Trying to figure out if I have social anxiety or Asperger's

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Until quite recently I was quite sure I had social anxiety but after researching the diagnostic criteria for Asperger's, I feel like a lot of the symptoms are applicable to me. I've always struggled in social situations, dating back to when I was a child. One of my earliest memories is of when I had a birthday party when I was still in nursery, I think I must have been 3 or 4 years old at the time. Instead of being happy and excited, as a neurotypical child would be expected to feel in that situation, I felt extremely nervous. I hated being the centre of attention and being in the spotlight. I've felt that way for most of my life, and still do as an adult. At school, I struggled to make friends, and often found myself being excluded from groups and not being invited to other kids' parties or sleepovers. During activities in which you were required to have a partner, I was often excluded because no one wanted to play with me. I didn't fit in, basically. I don't think autism was ever flagged up as a possibility for me at the time, though this happened from the mid-90s through the early 2000s. The condition wasn't as prominent or as understood as it is now, I think.

My difficulties with social interaction go far beyond just not liking attention or being in the spotlight, though. The first thing I can think of is that I find eye contact very awkward. I can usually only maintain it for a few seconds, then I instinctively look away. I absolutely dread meeting new people or talking to strangers, and try to go out of my way to avoid situations that may require me to do so. I won't make phone calls to people I don't know, under any circumstances, unless it's an emergency. Until a few years ago, my mum had to make doctors' and dentists' appointments for me because I couldn't do them myself. I didn't want her to keep making them. I haven't been to the dentist for 6 years because I've been too afraid to make an appointment. I'm lucky that I haven't needed to. I'm not afraid of the treatment at all, it's the social interaction that scares me. On my last visit, when I was 19, I recall that the dentist himself left the room for a few minutes, and I was left alone with his female assistant. I wouldn't make eye contact with her, and I remember being overwhelmed by fear and repeating to myself internally, "Please do not talk to me". I feel the same in group situations. I keep my opinions or thoughts to myself and try to stay as quiet as possible, and hope no one will attempt to talk to me. I haven't actually been in such a situation in real life for a long, long time though. I'm a complete recluse. I have no friends or social acquaintances in real life, no friends on facebook (literally none), and no contacts on my phone. I only feel comfortable talking to people online using chat programs such as skype, though I can only communicate using text chat. I've also played multiple online games where voice communication is expected, and often have to conjure excuses for my refusal to participate in it.

I have a few other abnormal social behaviors that I can think of. When talking to strangers or people I don't know very well, I hold my hands in front of me and fidget with them. I do a repetitive, twisting and squeezing motion with them. I also don't make gestures (such as hand signals or eye movements), and don't like talking to people if they aren't seated in close proximity to me. I won't shout to someone upstairs in the house if I'm downstairs, or vice-versa.

I've looked at the non-social criteria for Asperger's, and there are a few of those criteria that I also think apply to me. I don't like change or new experiences. I feel that if something is new to me or unexpected, then I'm probably not going to like it. I don't like surprises or unfamiliar situations. I will meticulously analyze and think about something until my head hurts. I'll think about every possible negative scenario that could occur, and expect it to happen to me. I then end up not trying anything at all. I also adhere to specific routines, and I'm resistant to changing any of them. Someone suggested to me once that I was "very set in my ways" for someone so young. I also read that Autistic people often struggle with the transition into adulthood and living independently. I still live with my parents, have never had a job, and I'm very immature for my age. I'm terrified of moving out, living alone and coping with the big, cruel, unforgiving world on my own.

I was wondering if any of this could be an indicator of ASD or Asperger's. How do you get diagnosed as an adult? I live in the UK where overtly negative attitudes to mental health are deeply entrenched. I feel like getting diagnosed with something might help me in some way, though.

i'm not even sure it's possible to naturally be that shy/socially anxious without being autistic, but i'm no expert i guess.
i mean you basically described me and i have asperger's.

You could have both.

You definitely have a severe social anxiety but it doesn't mean you don't have Asperger since Asperger can often cause social anxiety. Do you have any other traits? Do you have special interests? Do you have sensory issues? Do you have stims other than the anxiety caused fidgeting? Do you like to do the same thing over and over? Are you able to read other people body language? Can you accurately guess how others feel without being told?

Social anxiety can mimic ASD. Fear interferes with social life. Causes awkward body language, eye contact avoidance, anxious body movements. Makes the person shut in his/her own mind and house, avoiding social interaction at all costs. But at all about the fear.
After the social anxiety is cured everything returns to normal.


I am fortunate enough to not being affected by the social anxiety while having AS even though social anxiety is a common comorbid of AS.

I still avoid social interaction, prefer my routine and struggle with phone calls/voice communication but fear is not the motor to my behavior.

I don't participate in social life because I am too busy with my special interest and daily routine to remember about any interaction. No fear there, simple forgetfulness. I don't remember I have friends on daily basic because they are not part of my routine, I just recall about them when a birthday of any of us is coming and similar occasions.

I stick to my routine because its the way I life, it's predictable, I don't have to plan how my next day would look like since they are all the same.

I don't like voice calls because I have trouble recognizing speech. Voice mixes with all the background noises and human speech bores me to death so I have to focus really hard to understand what someone is saying. It doesn't matter who I talk to. I feel the same even when talking through phone to my own mother.

I do fear complex social interaction such as making appointments to doctors or signing up to schools but its not a social related fear. If it was just humans I could deal with it - I don't have any trouble asking strangers for directions when I am lost or speaking my mind when I don't agree, even if I have to oppose an authority in front of a lot of people. But in new/rare situations I simply cannot imagine what I am supposed to do, how to start, who to speak to, what to say. If I were in a situation a few times before or there was someone in front of me who needed the same thing that I do I am fine. I just repeat the scene I have in my memory.
The unknown is what causes trouble.

I also don't overanalise the situation. Actually my mind goes blank when I face an unknown situation and there is nothing in there. I am out of ideas, not because I refuse all of them due to thinking why they are wrong but because I don't have any ideas at all. Once I get an idea I will just try it out because I trust it's the right choice.
I often end up saying what I need to someone in the office (any stranger will do, I can ask a patient, a doctor, a mailman or whoever happens to be passing by ) and following any directions I get, step by step.

What you describe could very easily be said about me as well, I also went through the dilemma of not being sure 'is this social anxiety or aspergers'. Early in my assessment process i discussed this with my psychologist who explained the difference (only talking about the social aspect of aspergers mind you) along these lines:-

Social Anxiety: Instinctively understands people but are unable to interact due to an crippling anxiety at the thought of interacting.

Aspergers: Does not instinctively understand people.

I may have overly simplified the distinction made by my psychologist, but i hope this helps at least as a starting point for you.

Most of what you describe seems like social + general anxiety.
The social problems seem like social anxiety.
The non-social problems seem like anxiety in general.
I suggest that you see a therapist about anxiety, since it is not good to have so much anxiety in your life.

As a young child I saw kids grouping together and didn't understand what that was about or want to be part of it, but beyond that, I hadn't any idea what I didn't see. Kind of like being color blind. If you know someone who is kind and honest, perhaps you could ask next time there's any awkwardness whether maybe you seem a little socially clueless and see what they say.

If you are on the spectrum people may see you are different. They may not know what to call what they see, but they may see something's different. I wouldn't use the word autism or aspergers though, as then they may get into reassuring rather than answering how they see you.

I would almost 100% guarantee that you have a fairly severe case of Aspergers.
I would urge you to try and get diagnosed. If you're willing to take medications, there are medications which can be tremendously helpful. But they can have side effects.

Your first step should be to locate a psychiatrist (which I think is covered under the NHS in the UK) who specializes in aspergers and autism and make an appointment. You're going to have to talk to this person, uncomfortable as it may make you. You can have your parents or somebody else you feel comfortable with in the room with you when you go to the psychiatrist if you think it will help you.

Psychiatrist appointments tend to be 1/2 an hour or less in length, and if the doctor offers you more, just say you aren't comfortable with long sessions as conversation makes you uncomfortable. If you do have aspergers it should only take a couple of sessions to diagnose you and the severity of your issue. At that point your psychiatrist can recommend medications to you that may help you. I would suggest that you at least give them a chance for a year and see how you feel. "Brain medications" as I call them do not kick in instantly the way an aspirin does. They take a few weeks to a few months to reach full effect. Taking them for a year won't do any permanent damage to you.

Look for Aspergers/Autism supports in your community. There is an agency where I live in Canada called Kerry's place that I am involved in. They do Autism support services. I go to meetings once a week where I can socialize with other asperger's people, and I do one on one support to help me with things like employment, socialization, and so forth.

If you can find them in your area, these groups may be a good place for you to actually find some facebook friends and add some numbers to your contacts on your phone. Maybe even hang out with someone from time to time. You'll find that these people are like you. They're usually not very loud, they don't like long drawn out conversations, they don't like prolonged eye contact. Usually you can bring things that will make you feel comfortable to these meetings. Some of the people who have an especially hard time with conversation bring ear plugs, and they pop them in their ears half way into the group sometimes for ten minutes until they can center themselves again, then they take them out. Some people bring Nintendo 3DS with them and stare at it the whole time and play Super Mario so they don't have to make eye contact. You are not expected to participate. You can just go to listen. You usually need a letter of diagnosis to attend one of these places though, and their services are usually free.

If you do in fact have Aspergers or anything else the NHS considers a "disability" (I prefer DIFFERENTLY abled to DISabled) you may be eligible for a monthly pension. I receive $1000/month because of my aspergers/depression/anxiety. It's not a lot of money, but it is better than nothing, and allows me to buy things that I like and need to make my life more comfortable.

You're going to need to get moving on this one way or another though, because unless you come from a wealthy family and have a couple of million pounds coming your way after your parents are gone, you're going to need to support yourself one day.

For this reason I am studying to be a computer technician. It's a job with very interesting subject matter that requires very little contact with human beings. If you work out of a shop, you don't need to talk to anybody. You get handed a "broken" computer with a printed description of a problem, you solve the problem, and repeat. No need to talk to anyone. A lot of recluses take computer technician jobs. Once you move up the ladder you can make quite decent money at it.

By the way, I'D like to be your facebook friend. Go to
https://www.facebook.com/pablo.r.escoba

and add me.