How do I explain these problems to my boyfriend?

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I don't know how to tell my boyfriend about how sometimes I just can't put how I feel or why I react to things the way I do into words. I also don't know how to tell him what a shutdown and semi-shutdown is like. He is not diagnosed with any neurodevelopmental disorder, and I have autism spectrum disorder.

I don't know how to tell him why I'm upset about some things, because I don't always know why I just feel... not right.
I don't know how to tell him why I react to some things in a way that seems completely random and unnecessary to him, because I don't always know why I react to things the way I do.

Sometimes when I kind of know why, I still don't know how to describe it. I have a really hard time describing the reason for me reacting a certain way, and even sometimes what I'm actually reacting to.

I also don't know how to tell him what a shutdown is like or always why I have them. He thinks that I just leave the Skype call to go ignore him for an hour, but I'm not trying to ignore him. Sometimes, when I have a mini-shutdown that isn't full on disconnected from the world, I stay in the Skype call with him and rock back and forth while being mute, because everything is just... attacking my mind at that point.

I don't know how to tell him why I go mute during a shut down or semi-shutdown. I don't know how to tell him that during a shutdown I just can't speak, because I just can't gather up any words or information. I tell him that, but I don't know how to make him understand.

I don't know how to tell him why I frequently say "no" at things. I say it in situations that seem random to him, but I say it when something just isn't right and I can't explain why, when something is too much and I can't explain why, when I automatically and not on purpose attempt to avoid a situation of something that would involve me to explain some reason for something about my reactions that I don't know how to explain, and generally just things like that. I just stutter and say, "no no no no no... no.. just... i... noooo.. no no," like that.

I tell my boyfriend that I'm sorry, and he says that he loves everything about me and loves that I'm special and unique, but I just know that I'm troubling him, because he also says things to me like, "could you do me a favor and stop saying 'no' to me?" and, "why can't you just speak to me?" and, "please stop ignoring me don't neglect me," and things like that. After I try to explain, which I usually can't and when I do it's very poor, he says that it's okay and that he should've stopped prodding, but I just know that he'd probably rather me be normal.

There are just some things about me that I can not fully translate into words for the life of me.

Does he know about your autism?

Yeah, and I told him some things about it, but I don't think he'll ever remember or understand very well in the first place.

I've never been in a relationship before myself so I don't know if my advice and experiences of having to explain my autism and shutdowns/meltdowns to other people will help, but I do have very close friends whom I've had to explain it to. I, too, find it very difficult to put my thoughts into words and to communicate verbally when upset.

My advice to you is that if you find it easier to write your thoughts down than to communicate verbally, perhaps jot down your thoughts instead and read them out to him instead? Maybe write down explanations about your autism? This helps me a lot in situations where I struggle to communicate verbally or to communicate in general.

What are shutdowns like for you? Are they like a haze in your mind where you forget how to speak?

I can type/write better than I can speak, but even so, the problem is putting the things in my head into words altogether.

Shutdowns for me consist of... basically what it says. I can't speak except for sometimes just making random sounds and saying "no," and my only reactions to anything are either spazzing out or just no reaction. I can hardly think at all, and I surely can't process whatever external information is trying to get to me. It feels like everything is attacking me.

Sometimes though, I have semi-shutdowns where I feel really overwhelmed and respond more to things, but I slowly get harder to understand, and it is almost like a meltdown, but it's definitely closer to a shutdown.

This is something that I have struggled with. My boyfriend finished with me on wednesday, he thinks that he doesn't make me happy and he can't handle it when I need time out. I try really hard not to have big meltdowns, in fact I can only remember having very few in my life (mini meltdowns when things don't go quite right or how I think they should are more common) How I think that I cope (and not meltdown) is to shut down or take myself out of the situation, which could just involve me not speaking to him for a few days, but as he likes to speak to me on the phone every night I think that upset him. He said that it just doesn't work for him and what would happen if we were to live together. I tried to explain that at the moment I just wasn't comfortable enough with him to see me having a meltdown as I am aware that I appear mental (rocking, mumbling etc)
I should point out that I have not be diagnosed, I am 34 and only self diagnosed last year after years of wondering why I was different, I even thought that I was possibly bisexual for 18 years as I don't feel particularly male or female and I'm generally attracted to a person rather than a particular sex. I bought the book Aspergirls and gave it to my boyfriend to read as although I think some of it is not quite me, lots of it described how I felt. He read it and said that it wasn't me and that I wasn't like that. I said that he doesn't know what goes on in my head! I have tried at length to tell him how I think and feel and why I do things, but like serenaserenaserena says sometimes I just don't have words for it and it's just a feeling that I can't describe.
The beginning of the end this time (we have split up before) was that I kept saying that something wasn't right, it wasn't necessarily anything to do with him, but I didn't know what it was. He kept pushing me for a reason because was in a semi shutdown (over a week of me barely speaking unless he directly asked me something, which is very out of character for me) as he pushed me other things came out that probably weren't important, but as I was put on the spot something had to come out. In the end I decided that I had anxiety caused by his ex wife attacking me a month earlier. Tbh I still am not sure it was that as it was just a feeling that something wasn't right. Another thing to consider for me is that I feel other peoples emotions, but can't always make sense of them, he says he wasn't feeling down, but it's possible that I was feeling down because he was, but to discuss this is a whole other post...
We split up and now I feel much better. I love him and still want to be with him, but he told me that he doesn't want to be with me and he isn't happy, so it's an easy decision to not pursue that relationship any further as I only want him to be happy and if that is without me then I can do that. Though this does make me wonder, especially as we have split up before and then got back together, does the fact that I can do this make me look cold hearted and that I never cared? So all in all I can totally understand the frustration caused by being unable to make your partner understand you, however it sounds to me like you have quite an understanding and caring boyfriend there serenaserenaserena

If you're having a shut-down, just tell your boyfriend that you would rather be alone for a moment or two. Tell him that you still like him, and that you value the relationship--but, sometimes, people need to be alone. Doesn't he ever want to be alone sometimes as well?

I would wait until the right time. The right time, in my opinion, is when you're both in a mood for deep communication. Maybe he'll tell you some things. When that happens, you could tell him some things as well--about your autism. Maybe you should get him a book about Asperger's/Autism--like Tony Attwood's book. Frequently, it's good when people learn things from books.

Many of my friends and my fiance have learned to understand me. I never had a term for it such as "meltdown", but I do experience it. I called it "me-time". When I just can't deal with people (loved or not), and I just need to be alone. I typically will just throw on my headphones and go for a walk. My fiance now can tell when I'm getting to that point, and just tells me to go away. She doesn't give me the chance to make her feel ignored. But, that works for me. I know I don't/wouldn't have the words to explain what I'm feeling, so being able to just go away for a little bit helps a lot.

I'd try to explain to him that it has nothing to do with him, but just in general, you need your time. It's hard to fake and assimilate for long periods of a time. Sometimes you need to reset.

You can invite him to read about autism. My first boyfriend refused to read anything about it and I would try and tell him about myself but he didn't seem to get it. I would say i am also guilty too because I didn't bother to read about ADHD and I thought I knew about it and understood it just like how he thought he knew about it and understood it by being with me and watching how I act.

The second boyfriend bothered reading about it but he unfortunately used it like a bible and acted like it described me and started to stereotype it and think they were all the same. I couldn't be AS because I was not good with math and I couldn't have AS because I wasn't organized enough for him or I couldn't have it because I was too childish to have it and because I was not into tech stuff and electronics and because I was too into my own world.

If your partner can't understand you and continues to not understand you, your relationship with him isn't going to be any better and it's not going to be a good one. I speak from what I have observed from other people who also have gone through this and by my own experience.

He completely accepts me and makes an effort to understand; I just don't know how to explain these particular things to him.

This particular topic is a tough one to explain and translate for NT's because there really are very few good examples in the NT world for them to relate to. The closest I've ever come was to get them to imagine that they have been awake for 4 days (to convey the absolute mental exhaustion) trying to study for an exam (to convey how mentally challenging it can be to focus on someone socially) while in the middle of a heavy metal concert (to convey how we are constantly bombarded by sensory overload) and they simply pass out because their body shuts down from being up so long. Then explain that your shutdowns are simply your way of mentally passing out and what you really need is the mental equivalent of being put to bed so you can recharge your strength. And just like it doesn't help to have someone jumping up and down and shouting next to their bed when they are trying to sleep, it doesn't help you recover when they keep trying to get you to interact. They should do what any considerate person would do, turn out the lights and quietly walk away.

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ASD, ADHD-PI, PTSD , BI-Polar 2

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Imagine my therapist's embarrassment when it turned out they really were after me.

I wish I knew how to help but I have similar trouble explaining why I do things. Sometimes I feel kinda off but don't know why either.
Maybe if you tell him it's just something you do? Tell him your not so good at explaining things.