So I posted in the infamous AS partners forum for NT's...

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I've never been prone to that particular behaviour pattern myself. But here's a link to a really good blog post about it: http://www.aspiestrategy.com/2011/03/beaver-and-mole.html

I have some thoughts of my own to add: I was lucky to be diagnosed as a child, and that my parents were so understanding and supportive. This enabled me to work on my issues from an early stage, and feel proud each time I learned a new way of functioning that most people would take for granted, rather than just feeling like a defective human being with no clue what was wrong with me. But when I look back at my own personal development, I feel grateful that I did not end up marrying my first few girlfriends. I was not ready for a serious relationship, and it might have ended up disastrous.

For example, on ASPartners some of them talk about how their partners will never, ever back down or concede a point, even when it should be obvious they are wrong. As a result they never work on themselves in any way their partner asks them to, and seem to deflect every issue back at their partner.

Well, when I was much younger I felt like I was near the bottom of the social hierarchy. Everyone looked down on me and I felt like I was beneath them. Yet I knew I was extremely logical and would be able to beat most of my peers in a debate, so this became heavily tied to my self-worth. It was one of the only ways in which I could feel superior or even equal to others, and therefore compensate for all the ways in which I felt like a loser. Discussion and debate were also the only way I knew of connecting with others. Whenever someone said something to me, the only way I knew to respond was by trying to make a very clever observation about it which that person had not thought of. In my mind, I felt I needed to prove my worth to others by demonstrating my superior logic. This also meant that I had to be right about everything. Unfortunately this also meant that not only did I often ramble on and bore others, and fail to make them feel validated and heard, but also that even if I knew I had been proven wrong I couldn't bring myself to admit it - that would be a major blow to my sense of identity. This complex was very negative in relationships, and could come across as extremely arrogant and unsympathetic.

At a certain point I realised what I was doing and how unnecessary it was, as well as discovering other ways of connecting with people. I resolved to turn it around, and believe I have since become quite the opposite kind of person. My friendships and relationships became much better as a result. But what if I had never come to that realisation, or married before I'd done enough work on myself? I could have ended up being one of those partners who is simply maddening to live with.

As always I can only speak from my own experience, but I wonder whether other people with AS, especially undiagnosed, might have similar issues.

Last edited by JPS on 18 Feb 2015, 8:41 am, edited 2 times in total.

I would think it'd be fairly easy to distinguish between the "silent treatment" (a primarily NT effort at manipulation) and a simple desire for solitude. If they're confusing the two, then they've got some bizarre neurology of their own.

We have NT users with thousands of posts.

They ban someone for associating with us, even though she's broadly sympathetic to their cause.

And yet they think we're the hate site?

I stand by my earlier Grand Dragons remark. I hope you find a healthier community to meet your needs, elkclan.

I just realised there's something I ought to add. Although being right was overly important to me, I would never have even considered deliberately hurting someone just to avoid being seen as wrong. Perhaps the most important thing of all for me is/was upholding my own moral code, and thus "gaslighting" as they call it would have been utterly unthinkable, under any circumstances. In fact it still makes little sense to me that anyone would behave that way. From what I read, this strong sense of morals is common among aspies.

Why do you think it would be easy to distinguish a manipulative silence from a benign one? If the neurotypical partner is unaware of their autism, I would think it would be natural to infer malicious intent.

I'd think it would depend on whether the aspie is able to understand themselves and explain it well e.g. "I'm sorry, I'm overwhelmed and just need to recharge. It's not your fault, it's just something I need to do now".

I agree. Also, the NT partner would have to be accepting of the need for "space." This would ideally be something that is considered at the beginning of the relationship.

People give the silent treatment when they're angry about something. Generally it follows some kind of argument.
If there hasn't been an argument, then why would anyone assume their partner is giving them the silent treatment? That seems paranoid and/or grossly insecure. Anytime someone wants alone time they must be pizzed off about something? That's ridiculous. Even NTs want alone time now and then.

I think it's a reasonable assumption if you don't know your partner has autism. And if the partner does know and is willing to put up with this withdrawal from communication, then they have to find ways to cope with it.

We'll have to agree to disagree. I don't see wanting alone time as inherently aspie (though the increased quantity is). Further, I don't think it constitutes a "withdrawal from communication" (unless you're walking away in the middle of a conversation, which would be both rude and bizarre), and I don't think it's such a hardship for the other person as to require "coping".

I think coping is a fair word. There is an emotional need that nts have, that the symptoms of autism make hard to meet. Not that it's unworkable, perhaps the nt is a loner or so social that these needs are met elsewhere. But autistic people are intrinsically socially challenged.
I can agree to disagree.

Even this is not always the case. I don't have much need for solitude, and connect with my wife in all the "NT" ways e. g. cuddles, loving glances, various gestures that show we care about each other, complements, listening to each other and offering moral support etc. This doesn't come from following some intricate script. I've just changed a great deal from that child who was diagnosed with AS all that time ago. We're not just defined by the neurological wiring we're born with, but our upbringing, choices and life experiences too. And autism is such a hard condition to pin down - all of us are affected slightly differently.

The autistics in my house never shut up (that means me + 1). Someone would be hard pressed to get the silent treatment from us.

True. Can I ask if doing things in NT ways is still something you have to work at or has it become natural?

OMG, my son has HFA and the "silent treatment" from him would last about 30 seconds.
And you'd be relieved to get it!

Here too.