My mum and wanting to live on my own - PLEASE HELP!! !

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Firstly, I am 17 years old and live in the UK so if anyone could give me advice on finding alternative accommodation and how I would be able to apply for it, that would be really helpful.

Me and my mum can get on well and after getting my diagnosis we got on much better because she understands me better. However, I think my mum is the one who really needs support and help. This is because she can be very erratic, angry and then all of a sudden happy and very nice towards everyone and me. I don't think she is bipolar but I do think she may be depressed in some way because for some time now I have always thought that the arguments my family have were always caused by me, but in reality it's actually her. My mum doesn't work anymore and she's in her late fifties, she is arthritic so isn't able to move with ease all the time. Majority of the days while my sister and I are at school and my dad is at work she doesn't leave the house or even change from her pj's. Some days she doesn't get out of bed for a long time either. I have spoken to someone at school and they, from what I've told them, believe she may be depressed too. My mum does not realise that the things she tells me off for, like not leaving the house for days, she does too. But I don't leave the house because I mostly have nothing to do, I go out with my friends when I'm invited but when else am I meant to leave? My mum has virtually no social life and this has an effect on my dad who I think wants more of one. In relation to wanting to move out, about 10 minutes ago my mum demanded that me and my sister tidied our rooms, so we did. And when she checked mine she was still unsatisfied and I merely pointed out it was my room and that other parent's would not dictate how I choose to lay mine out (it was not even that untidy). She then was quite abusive and said I should move out from her house if I don't like it, but it's not her house it's my dad as he is the one that paid for it. Among all the mean things she said, I tried to maintain a teenage "I don't care leave me alone" act. But the worst thing she said was "I'd rather die than be you" to me. I don't think she realises how sad it makes me feel. I don't know what to do because I love my mum but she is very erratic and as it is also coming up to my AS Level exams I don't need this. I want to help her and I've even had my educational psychologist have meetings with her to get her to understand that she is wrong sometimes and after she just ridiculed me.

Please help me, I am unsure what to do and I don't want to do anything I may regret because I am VERY unhappy.

I hope someone with insight who knows about resources for you comes along soon, but in the meanwhile, I would say keep in close contact with your educational psychologist about this matter; it's good that you already recruited them to help you and that they have already spoken with your mum. Keep updating them and emphasize that this situation is stressing you to such a point that your exam performance may be threatened.

I think it's extremely important to impress upon your educational psychologist that the way you feel in your home truly is seriously threatening your emotional well being and thus your education at this critical point.

Can you also tell your dad how serious things feel for you? You need to recruit the attention and help of as many adults as you can right now, to help your cause and get people who may help to see that your mother's issues are compromising your ability to cope.

I'm really sorry your so upset right now. I totally agree, what your Mum said to you was really hurtful! Is she having a particularily tough day today? Or has she said this kind of thing to you before? Do you think when things have calmed down (like in the morning over breakfast maybe) that you might be able to discuss with her how this made you feel? Or could you talk with your Dad about it?

I live in the UK, I don't know about the options available to you in terms of moving out. And I do think you'd be better to try and resolve things at home first.

If it's any comfort, I moved out from home at 18, after my A-levels. I was doing an Art foundation course in a city several hours away from home, and my mum and dad found somewhere for me to stay, but and then I moved into somewhere more cool with friends. College notice boards are usually a good place to look for house/flat shares.

Good Luck

Its terrible your mom is talking to you like that

I do not live in the UK so I cannot give you info on support to move out and such... but I'm sure you can inquire at your school...maybe a counselor or such? They should know or at least have the links/contact info for the gov. offices that handle it.

Finally, your mom could be going through deep depression and people do tend to 'snap' with hurtful comments like that. Unless she has been making such comments for a long time I'd say don't take them to heart (even though they hurt) as they were probably said in one of those moments.

Thank you everyone for your feedback. Upon reflection I've realised a couple of things -

1. Me and my mum don't necessarily have to get along all the time, and even when she is in the wrong as long as I have somewhere to talk about how I am made to feel then it will be fine.

2. My mum is a good woman and I think she is not okay. So I am going to try and remember that when she gets angry with me for no reason, especially as I know what it's like to feel angry a lot.

3. I may not always remember any of this but that's alright because I think being sad is just something I'll have to deal with, as it's apparently within the context of my personal experience with Asperger's.

4. I have a very supportive school and group of teachers that want to help me, along with some very nice friends who accept me.

5. Even if I move out when I'm 18 (I asked a trusted teacher for help in to research), I will still love my mum and I will be happier.

Thanks again for making me realise. I think today is a good day and I will try very hard to remember all I have realised and all you guys have said.

You have a good, compassionate heart.

I hope "life" doesn't cause you to lose that.

Hi Alanaargh,

I've been watching your post, and I'm really impressed with your response. You are clearly a very mature, considerate and compassionate young man. I am so glad to hear you have a supportive team to help you make the transition away from home when you decide to do it. I wish you the very best with your exams and the next step after that. And hopefully you mum will get some support for herself to be kinder to you and you sister.

Fiona

Hi,

I second what F10ona1 says above. You have an approach to life that is way beyond your years, and I think this will help you through your current difficulties. Please keep us posted about your situation, and if you would like to chat at all then you can always send me or one of the others a pm.

Hello everyone, thank you again for your comments. I am frequently told I'm quite deep for my age, which can be both a good and bad thing as you can imagine.

I think I will write another post about all of this in August or September maybe because I will have my exam results by then and will be in my final sixth form year. By then I believe lots will have changed, hopefully these will be positive changes.

Also, I'm a girl

Best of luck with your exams and with everything else.

I second Fnord's comment. Go you!

Also, I'm a girl