Homeless soon, grew up in near isolation, lookin for advice!

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True, but isn't the effort worth it??
There are short-term goals and long term goals ...


Awesome!! !


I understand. Completely. However↓




That is why you need marketing and social skills and time management skills … A shop manager without them?!?

I am socially ret*d too (and time-ly challenged!), but I have but a lot of effort in an finally learned to almost pass for a 'slightly weird but sort of ok' person. I have even learned to cope with telephone calls! … well, at least somehow …
(With APD telephones are a real mountain of impossibility for me …)
An I have sort of learned to have and follow a schedule. Schedules are my lifeline, actually, I'm so lost without them.

So, it is all stressful and IF you are Aspien and it will stay stressful but part of it is learn-able. Which part and to what extent depends on the person. Very little for some, very much for some others.

But you don't know before you try.

That's just adult life.

We have hurdles to overcome.

Some hurdles will be permanent - meaning - we will be working on them all our lives. Getting sensory overload and struggling socially are some of those which will not go away for Aspiens. But we can manage to cope more skillfully. Even if it is only a little bit.

Some other hurdles however, will be completely overcome, will be mastered.

But.
Both need working on them. Learning and practicing.

Just stopping oneself with "oh, I can't do this", "oh, I'm not good at that" will take you nowhere.

The fact you can't do something now or are not good at something now doesn't mean you can't do it or became good at it in future either.

Decide you can and became good!

(or at least a wee bit better managing!)


I'm talking about this because ↓:

It is impossible to make guesses like this online!!
Probably even a professional psychologist would need a few days to make up their mind if it is learned behavior or innate!

All I can guess from your writing is:

1) You sound like you are more than able to learn whatever you need to succeed. In fact, your way of writing sounds like written by a very intelligent and eloquent person.
(Which does not rule out being a Aspien though, many have Mensa-level IQs)

2) You are doing the right things for your success - you learn, you seek an advice and you seek for second opinion, you have a goal.
Seeking advice and opinion online is great. I always do it first too.
But it doesn't weigh up talking to people … I know! That's the hard bit!! !
So ...
How about showing up in as many charities and churches as you can for both financial help and extra social interaction practice??

a) they are there to help (even if they are not always sufficiently effective) - Luzhin's advices above sound brilliant! Nothing beats knowledge based on first-hand experience!
b) they see all sorts of folks on daily basis and won't think much of your 'social retardement'.
I'd think actually showing up and talking to them might be a good way to get more talking-to-people practice outside work (and family members, who as I understand from your description are not of much use as far as social interaction goes)??

Maybe some of them wouldn't even mind if you volunteered to sort out their computers and then in return helped you to learn things like better advertising your services, marketing, talking to people, managing time - whatever you need for your future??

3) You say you've gotten better.

Either it is a coping mechanism - you have worked many things out and learned to manage the fear of talking to people. Or you are not an Aspian.

Because Aspergers don't go away.

If it's a coping mechanism - keep learning but don't expect the stress and fear to completely go away. We just have to be aware of it and learn to cope with it. And more you learn the better you can cope, possibly.

If you are not Aspian - well, even the dreading might go away eventually. That's good news.
But then new hurdles will pop up.
Because that's just adult life and being neurotypical does not mean being without struggles. Actually, because NTs worry about future all the time and about other peoples opinion of them all the time etc. sometimes I think they suffer more than people on spectrum … Just in a different way.


…

And lastly, erm, ultimately, does it matter if you are an Aspian or not??

I mean ...

You know your situation.
You are seeing it clearly and acknowledging it.
You are working on it.
You are working your way up.
Forget about the "I can't"'s and "I'm not good"'s and keep working.

It's not up to internet to tell how much better things will get
but one thing is sure -
if you gave up nothing would get better.

And this is not dependent on whether you have Aspergers or your symptoms are just learned behavior.

So, does it matter that much?

…

At least that's how I saw your posts and the thoughts it arose …


PS, edit - taking a qualification like GED is always a good idea, though I think you are right - it only matters a lot if you want to be employed by others.
If you want to stick with freelancing or self employment it is of small significance, more of a confidence booster and a learning experience.
But then again, you are employed at the moment and one never knows when one needs to be employed by others again - so it would be a good idea to get any training and qualifications you possible can under your belt, IMO.

I will definitely look into the Salvation Army. We have several of them in the town I work. Churches are one of the resources I had been considering after researching services last year.

I've never been in one so I only know what I've seen in movies. Do I just walk in and wait until the end of a service to talk to the pastor? Or is there some type of administration building inside for services? I'd be afraid of going inside and trying to sit in the back row and then getting called out for being new and to go introduce myself or something.

It only costs me about $45 to eat in a month so the gas cost would be hard to offset unless I was getting other services from them or was close enough to ride a bike to them.

Something I haven't mentioned is that I have no idea if my parents can be held accountable or have a legal liability. I have no doubt that it would be considered child abuse but is that beyond a statute of limitation now that I'm almost 26? I don't want to end up sharing my story with anyone who would eventually get my information and believe they are doing the right thing by turning my parents in.

It is embarrassing to me, just having woke up after making this thread I'm wondering what people think of my situation. I know it's not my fault but it's almost surreal to me thinking about how uncommon my life has been. I've wondered for a long time now how many others grew up like me, being isolated in the country but without a computer or internet access and the ability to communicate with other people.

I would never have gotten anywhere if it weren't for being able to learn on the computer and finding chat rooms to socialize before I went out for a job. It's sad to think that there could be many others without the option to be heard or experience the opinions of others. Yet at the same time I wouldn't want anyone feeling sad for me. For some reason that's one of the things that embarrasses me is thinking people might feel sorry for me.

That embarrassment is probably what will hold me back for a while once I'm living in my car. I'm hoping I would be miserable enough to get over that shame quickly once I'm in that situation though. Thanks for taking the time to reply to me.

I think you sound like a very strong person that has managed to survive a very hard life. I think it will go well for you in life.

I agree with what f9 wrote in answer to your question about if you have Aspergers.
The way you described your upbringing, will most certainly leave marks on even a “normal “person. Nobody but a professional can give you an answer to that question. But either way you have problems interacting with other people. The only advice I could give you on this matter is to read as much as possible, books about human behavior, relationships, anything that can help you out and learn you about these matters.

You are not the only person that gets nervous around other people, just learn not to show it. Maybe invest in better clothes, present yourself as someone who believes in themselves and others will believe it to. I used to think that people were busy thinking bad things about me all the time, until I grew up and realized that they are mostly busy thinking about themselves. Basically you just have to get other people to believe you are normal or whatever you wish them to think, you don’t have to believe it yourself, after a while it will goes easier.

I think families can be very difficult; my first thought when reading your text was that you need to move far away and make a fresh start. I understand your fears and that you cannot do this, I only hope your family deserves your devotion. You sound like a very unselfish person, just don’t completely forget about yourself, you cannot go through life being responsible for other people.

I wish I could give you some practical advice about your predicament, but I can’t since I live in another country were everything works different. But I wish you all the luck.

It would take about 18 months to possibly see some clients from that. The time and cost to market that would be very high and eliminate other projects like internet marketing. To even make it economically viable would mean I would have to go for bigger contracts which is something that most prospective employers would rather avoid by seeing someone local. For cheaper contracts there is too much risk involved in scams unless I could afford a lawyer specializing in internet laws to write me contracts.

Internet marketing takes just as long but guarantees passive profit for a much cheaper investment that doesn't have geographic stipulations or require the social interaction. I believe that is a better choice if I don't get better at interacting with people, or if I do then I lose nothing. I would gain the income to afford a lawyer and the marketing costs from it.

I haven't had the time over the last 6 months to work on anything like that though which has kind of made me depressed. Once I start living in my car or figure out somewhere else to go then I would have the time. That's another reason I don't want to pick up another job because I wouldn't have the time to get ahead.


I am actually very good at managing my time and schedule in all things but doing the actual work. I kind of just get in a zone and forget to look up at the clock. I am also a perfectionist which is a huge detriment to life in general for me. That mostly stems from my dad and never being able to do anything exactly like he wanted.

Because I rarely get work doing websites I often triple check everything and give them more value than they initially needed because I'm afraid if I lose a contract that it could be the one deciding if I go without a car or some other emergency that comes up. If I had more freedom to pick the jobs or at least had others lined up then it wouldn't be as bad.

I don't read books often but the best self help book I ever found is called Getting Things Done by David Allen. You can download it for free as an ebook if you know where to look, otherwise it's without a doubt worth it's value as hardcover from Amazon. It is the most practical and logical time management skills I ever learned.


I think why it is stressful for me and I dread it is that anytime I do end up talking with someone I haven't met before they are drawn to me for some reason. Most people really like me initially but I don't know why. I wonder if it's because I look like I'm handicapped from posture or body language. I once had a coworker tell me I reminded him of someone he worked with that was mentally challenged.

But I don't know what it is people see in me and I don't know what the next step is beyond the casual interaction. They either realize I'm shallow or very different from them when it goes any further or it just remains at the casual polite small talk until it becomes awkward on further encounters where I then dread seeing them.

I would say I'm probably a sociopath because I can read the intentions and motivations of people on a deep level if I've heard them talk long enough. But I don't see the body language or facial expressions. I can't even remember peoples faces or names very well. I wouldn't even recognize my parents in a crowd from 15 feet away unless I heard their voice.

I'm not very good of understanding the cues or intentions of what is happening in the moment or what the reason is behind some simple statements or casual talk as well. This also extends to clients.

I have no problem maintaining an initial professional relationship but after working for them long enough it becomes awkward because it seems as if they are trying to be my friend or simply get more personal. The one I just recently worked for has been really bad about asking me how my family is and if I've got a girlfriend. Lots of other questions that just don't seem appropriate for maintaining a business relationship.

Or perhaps that is normal but I don't really know how to respond when I don't want to say the truth. It seems that just cutting it short by saying everyone is good or I prefer being single because of economic reasons or time still results in there being awkward moments.

I'm sure many people here would love just to be able to get to the point I'm at but this is where I'm stagnant and really haven't figured out what to do from here the last few years. I always add variations into new conversations or interactions hoping to stumble upon whatever the answer but all I've learned is many ways that don't help.

There's some fundamental human connection or understanding that is missing.

Can you give an example of some social situation or interaction that you have learned to cope with? Like I'm not really sure what it means to better cope with a social interaction. Is that actually learning what it is you were doing wrong and practicing? Or masquerading the signs that lead to it being a negative situation?


Family is out of the question. Most don't even live in this state and the few who I could get along with I haven't seen at all or in a long time. I wouldn't want to further alienate my parents or siblings from them by answering why it is I never see them or how our side of the family actually is. My siblings weren't as isolated as me. They actually went to public schools and have good jobs/families of their own and can pass off for being somewhat normal.

My sister will be dead within another year from alcoholism according to her doctor and my brother just got out of prison a few months ago for killing someone in an accident which was all over the news. Those are further reason I don't want to have to answer if I did talk to extended family.

What are the charities besides churches? Is that like Salvation Army or are there other ones?

I would actually love to talk to someone about my situation provided they aren't connected to people at my job or family and I had the option to never be seen by them again. As I said in my reply earlier I'm afraid of saying anything incriminating about my parents.

I've considered some kind of self help group or therapy group but I'm not sure what it would be called exactly. Also just the cost of gas going to one let alone if they charge for it is something I would be afraid to spend money on without knowing how much it would actually help.

"You are working your way up." is kinda off. I feel like I've gone nowhere the last 3-4 years, let alone since I started working. I have gotten remarkably better at social interaction but I still don't really know what to do to go to the next step.

"And lastly, erm, ultimately, does it matter if you are an Aspian or not??" I brought it up to my dad about a year ago wanting to know what he thought. It was a bad idea because he doesn't believe in mental illnesses(probably because he was labelled 51/50 along with my mom) but his answer was that I was looking for a label to come up with a reason to eliminate self responsibility.

I would rather not have a stigmatized label but I do want to know why I am the way I am. My dad has always said I just didn't want to learn and we got into arguments about me never having had the opportunity. I believe that socializing should start as young as possible, much like he preaches about raising dogs or other animals. Most specialists that he would say are have no idea what they are talking about agree that you should be socialized starting from being a baby.

And I do want confirmation that it wasn't my fault. But more than anything I need an answer to why I am like this to know what to do about treatment or advancement. That's why I was asking if the treatment would be the same based on symptoms rather than cause.

I have a good idea what the symptoms are but I don't know how to resolve them. Like I don't know what the missing link is for connecting with people or understanding them.

I'm not opposed to getting a GED. I would like to go to college for nuclear physics one day if I ever had the money though not as an intention of getting a job in that field. That's one of the few subjects that I've found where the internet doesn't have adequate information. That would be more when I'm in my 40's or 50's after I've taken care of my current situation and could get established in life.

Anyways thanks for the long thought out observations.

Hey there. I have read a few self help books and on social interaction. I would say this is what has contributed to my sociopathic understanding of people. I'm more interested in gaining a connection with people than just understanding them.

It's that fundamental connection that I've never seen mentioned. It's as if the books are made for normal people who already have that connection but just want to enhance their understanding of human behavior.

I can get away from them. I don't ever expect to have contact with my parents again which is what I've wanted for a while. I just didn't want to leave my mom alone because of how much emotional abuse she gets from my dad. I'm the only person she has contact with right now that doesn't treat her badly. I don't enjoy being around her but I know how bad the feeling of being alone is which is why it bothers me.

Regarding the vehicles in my name. I have signed the pink slips just not dated so he can move them out of my name without me. He said he would do it once he was established and was doing some sidework where he wouldn't need benefits but he is old and disabled so I don't expect that to happen anytime soon. He's been procrastinating about doing extra work for years now.

If I could get worthwhile benefits I considered that I could get new pink slips from DMV and force him to take them under the threat of reporting them stolen but that would be a last resort because of my mom. I kind of expect him to kick my mom out anyways once they are gone after a while so I will at least need to keep in touch with my mom over email.

Good to hear from you.

I was socialized all my life but I still have terrible social skills.

I had a lot of friends in school who I socialized with every day.

But when I left high school I was terrible at meeting new people and forming new friendships.

If you had a lot of friends in school then how do you know you have terrible social skills? Do you mean because since school you aren't good at making new friends?

I would imagine that being forced to be around people in a familiar organization like a school is what gives you something in common to have initially made friends. I've read about this situation a lot. It makes me wonder what the difference is between school and getting a job or attending some other known organization at regular intervals where the conditions are similar.

The answers I've seen given are usually that there is some kind of transformation of thought and responsibility when transitioning from school to the grown up world. I would reason that maybe you didn't transition at the same pace or with the same type of considerations but maybe I misinterpreted your response.

It's questions about topics like this that have me wondering what the answer is, because maybe my solution resides somewhere within those types of problems.

As an edit, maybe when growing up you have not experienced life as much to build your own character, and by the time you leave school in the transition you have experienced enough to generate a significantly different character that gives you more contrast with other people, or otherwise simply having less in common.

Like without much variation in principles you can probably get along with anyone growing up, but as you age and become more rigid with new thoughts and beliefs, so too have others. I believe that would probably apply to everyone. When you meet people with much different beliefs or who come from different geographic locations as age can bring then perhaps that makes it harder to connect with people.

As a further edit, I suppose that's what it means to lack social skills. By not being able to connect with people in that new environment where others can. Didn't mean to question the validity of your response.

Yes I was terrible at forming new relationships,
although the boss was an introvert and I got along with him for a while,

As long as someone is intellectual or introverted I can form a friendship with them, it's just everyone else who I have trouble with (the other 80-90% of people)

I think that I have personally benefited from reading a lot of novels, it helps you understand how other people might think and see things differently from yourself. When I was younger it was more difficult to see things from others perspective than my own.

Why are you so sure that you have sociopathic tendencies? I think that it seems that you have empathy for others; otherwise you wouldn’t care about what happens to your parents. I have not read much about sociopaths, so I’m no expert. But I know that when you start looking for information/answers online (in my case medical reasons) because you have not gotten any satisfying information/answers from others. I think you will then find a lot that will sound like it could be something that you have, but in most cases it will not be true.
I really think that if you ever get the opportunity you need to go and see someone professional. I think it can be very helpful for you to learn what you have, or if you have nothing then they can help you finding ways of coping in social situations.

Have you never felt connected to someone? I can say that for me growing up, I have very seldom felt any real connection to anyone outside my family, I only had one friend my younger years, then I was part of a group of girls, but I never a real part. I didn’t get a real connection to anyone else until I was 25 and met my bf, and he lived in another country. What I’m trying to say is that I don’t think that everybody connects as easily with other people as what is seen as normal. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. Maybe you just haven’t met the right people.

You also write a lot about a shame that you feel, and a fear for what would happened if people would find out about your past and your missing education and so on. I think that this fear and shame is an enormous weight for you to carry around, and it probably makes it harder for you to connect to people. I think you need to deal with your past (which you are doing) and try to find people that you can trust; I find it hard to believe that anyone would ever hold your past against you. If they would then they would be a terrible person not worthy of your time.

I think keeping some distance from your parents is a good idea for your sanity.

Hey again Bondkatten(originally thought your name was Bondkitten lol)

Maybe I haven't read enough fiction or books on real life experiences and perhaps part of my reason is my dad always saying forms of media are not real accounts of experience.

I believe that the planning and proofreading of a story takes away from the possible benefit of learning what others are thinking. I believe that has contributed to my perfectionism in that from movies and reading online there is more structure vs the natural flow of a persons thoughts.

I am very good at seeing the perspective of others. I always place myself in others shoes which is how I learned so much about the intent and motivations of people. I often see what I would call their true intents that they may not even be aware of themselves or are otherwise trying to hide.

However that doesn't relate to feeling connected or truly understanding why they do the things they do. Perhaps that's because they are living in some partial fantasy and I expect people to know that so it doesn't make sense when their words or actions don't correlate to their intentions.


I don't necessarily believe I'm a sociopath, I just assumed with the overall topic of this board that members might already be familiar with the condition. I believe a lot of people have a misunderstanding of the differences between sociopaths and psychopaths since they are closely related.

A sociopath has a good understanding of people, their intentions and world views but lack the connection. The negative part associated with sociopathy is typically that a person will use that knowledge to advance in the world at the expense of others.

I do this to some degree at work by manipulating people to make my job easier, however, I won't do it if it actually does lead to negative consequences for the person. All the same some people feel this is still negative because you are in control of the actions of another person without them being aware of it.

I only believe that is negative when it actually does hurt them in some way. It's the only way I know to have someone behave or do something as I need without going through the motions a normal person would.

I closely relate this to AS because a coping mechanism I've seen discussed quite frequently is how to "hide" among normal people. That is done by rehearsing based on a set of known circumstances or behaviors to mimic being normal. Maybe it's a stretch but I was using sociopath as a word to summarize all of this to save space

As far as empathy that is usually lacking in a typical AS diagnosis, the only thing I can say for sure is that I can feel sorry for people in similar situations because I have experienced it and know how it feels. And I feel sorry for people despite saying I wouldn't want anyone feeling sorry for me because I know what it feels like to be sorry, so I wouldn't want anyone feeling that way.

I don't particular enjoy existing, not because I'm unhappy or anything but just the physical feeling of breathing and the weight of gravity itself. Sort of drags me down lol. Perhaps that's a part of the sensory issues. I do like being conscious though, and wouldn't ever do anything to end that because it would be a waste of my parents time despite how good or bad they are, along with the questions and problems other family members would face if I were to not be around.


No I've never understood what a connection is. I've never felt loved or even understand it. My understanding or perception of emotions is pretty limited. I have a short fuse and anger is the strongest emotion I feel at times. I don't yell or take it out on anyone but if something breaks or I'm careless about something then it really gets to me.

I remember being happy as a child like from 6-10 but I don't remember what it felt like, just that I was. That was when I started realizing life wasn't going to be very enjoyable that I chose just to remember that I was happy at one point. I pretty much just go through each day being neutral. I kind of rationalize happiness as being the opposite of anger so maybe the majority of the time I am neutral feeling that it is happiness.

I read that the German language had something like 40 or 50 words for different emotions. I can't even comprehend that there could be that many. I read about that when I first started researching AS and the lack of empathy or other emotions some are missing. That some people were helped by learning other languages besides English because it is more limited in the definition of emotions.

I do understand comedy/funny not sure what the correct term for that emotion would be. And that is probably why people like me in the beginning because I am decent at making jokes about almost anything in a carefree way, even if they are crude I typically don't offend anyone. That's kind of been my remedy to not being able to do small talk. But that seems to wear off quickly when there's no additional material to the character people see afterwards.

I don't typically look for or enjoy comedy like in movies or from other people but since it somewhat bridges a gap to the basic communication required in life I use it anyways.


I don't care too much about the education, as in many people at this job don't even have a GED either. It's more about having not been to school or being socialized that makes me worry what people would think of me. I'm sure you can probably tell by now I try to rationalize things logically, and I agree there's certainly no logic to feeling shame or guilty about it but I can't seem to get past that.

I'm not sure I'm dealing with my past. I guess coming here to explain about it counts as a step but I'm just looking for where to go next. I think I have some fundamental misconceptions about direction in life in general because I wasn't exposed to normal circumstances or everyday decision making while growing up.

As far as the 2 people I scared off I mean't it quite literally. I don't think they were bad, it just became awkward for them when they realized how messed up I am. They didn't know what to say or how to handle the situation. I'm not sure what I even expected them to say or think so maybe it was simply inappropriate.

I mean it is nice to just say what's been going on in my life and that someone else can give advice on that but maybe it is better to just try and forget everything. Quite a few normal people seem to use that as their solution to more minor issues. It's just that is basically what I've done all my life so far and haven't gotten anywhere with that.

I am curious, as a question to anyone that reads this, how my perceptions come across to you. Do I seem negative, stuck up, argumentative or anything? Do my posts have mindless chatter or a directionless sense about them?

I know that some people take more direct responses or a confident/authoritative form of writing as a person being too rigid or unwilling which is what I don't want to do. If I'm clearly wrong about something in my replies I would hope you understand that I must just be missing the point or some unspoken golden rule.

tbh you seem like a normal (for an aspie) guy in weird circumstances, the different colored molds and holes in the RV for example.

One option would be to look at the church's website. Some will give an email address for someonone you can contact. You could explain your situation to them that way as it may be easier for you to explain things by text. You don't have to explain everything to them about your situation if you don't feel comfortable about it. You might be able to get some financial assistence or other type of assistence besides food (Like clothing, or maybe even paying for a car repair). They also might want to verifiy what the money is going towards though. You could offer to help with lawn mowing or other basic chores in exchange for some money. I'd tell them you think you have (or might have) aspergers syndrome that makes communication difficult. You would probably be more likely to get help if you tell exactly what you plan to do with the money or if you have a different need. I'd tell them that you don't spend much on food anyways but are in need of other assisance.

If you get really depearate for cash you could make a sign and stand by the side of the road also. I am sure some people would be willing to help you.

Hi
Bondkitten Bondkatten (Farm cat)




It seems that you are relying a lot on your father’s thoughts and ideas; I think you would benefit from other people ideas and thoughts more. For me reading was also an escape from my problems, that was I was so drawn to fantasy books, for a while I didn't have to live in this one.



Sometime people are not ready to deal with whatever problems they have so they hide under falseness.



I have things I do to appear more normal, I see it as a way that helps you survive easier. I tend to put much effort in my appearance when I go out, I figured out a long time that people are nicer and more accepting of you if you look decent. I also have things that I’m not really doing on purpose, but apparently I do (psychologist told me) like I appear younger, sweet and so on. I smile a lot and so when I'm nervous. I'm always observing in new enviroments, and I like to get an understanding of new people before I interact with them. I think all this comes from knowing that you are different, and knowing that difference is not always accepted in our society, so we develop tactics for coping.



I feel sorry when people lose their family or friends or get sick. I'm sorry because I have been sick in my life and have lost people, I understand that feeling, but I'm sorry for them, I'm not remembering my feeling of lose and in fact feeling sorry for myself. (I'm not sure I'm making sense anymore, too tired) And whenever I hear something horrible is done to animals, I get physically sick. I can honestly say that I believe I have more empathy than some of the so called normal people that I have met in my life.




Did you ever feel loved as a child growing up? I doesn't sound that you had a very stable and safe upbringing, you must understand that that will leave marks.




Dealing is better than not dealing, I think if you ignore bad things in your life it will one day explode in you. But I honestly think you could benefit from talking to someone professionally. Also maybe a good idea to read some books about children that grew up in circumstances similar to yours? Maybe you will recognize similar behavior in them.

You sound very intelligent, and you have survived in abnormal circumstances, but you seem to be a bit too hard on yourself.

I never thought of emailing them. How do you think they would verify what I would spend it on though? I would assume they want some kinda verification before they give you the money instead of post-receipts.

Begging isn't really my thing. Especially since someone from work would recognize me eventually. I'd literally quit my job at that point. That's something that has kind of been bothering me about my current assignment at work. I have to kick homeless people off different properties. Usually about 8-15 a night or more if it's raining.

They get mad at the messenger all the while I'm looking at "this is going to be me soon". It's depressing.

And the great thing is: you are still only 25 years old--which is very young.

You've experienced lots in life.

I wonder how good you'd be if you helped other people by making use of your experience in some kind of therapeutic/social work capacity.

You could ask them what type of verification they want. They may not be so concerned about getting receipts, if they can verfy that your story is true and that you are actually in need of money. If you sent an email I'd mention that you are willing to verfy that you are actually in need of assistence. That would give them a chance to ask questions if they have any. It'd tell them in detail about your current living condtions, your concerns about the future, the types of expences you have, and how any aditional help would effect you.

I understand what you are saying about begging. I don't think I'd like that either. Your current job might not be fun but at least it is regular income.