Can you see through "white lies"?

Post Reply New Topic

I don't mean the harmful lies intended to harm or take advantage of you, but the little white lies people tell to save face or be discrete.

While I've gotten better at it in hindsight, it's still a challenge to pick up on spontaneously. Which can lead to embarrassment, but not always, because despite what NTs may tell you there isn't always a concealed meaning.

An example: years ago, I called this young woman I'd met in a bar. She told me she was a single mom. At one point in the conversation she told me the father was deceased. I took it at face value saying oh no, that's awful. When I told my NT friend about it - the one I'd been with in the bar, he replied with a laugh, "Man, don't you know that chicks only say that 'the father is dead' if they don't know who the real father is?? Get it?!"

Yeah, OK, I get that, but it doesn't rule out the possibility of the guy really being dead. Like if he's one of those rough guys who was killed in a motorbike crash or gang murder.

Another time, at the age of 21, I called a girl a couple of days after our first date and she told me that she just reconciled with her ex - not seeing it was a white lie, I took at face value and replied "Really? Wow.". The same thing happened later on a new first date, but by then I wisened up and realized it was total BS. put that one under the broader banner of " it's not you, it's me"

I generally can't. For example, people volunteer that they will follow up or that they are eager to meet again, only to disappear and leave me scratching my head wondering what I did wrong... People lie an awful lot, and it is perplexing when they go out of their way to offer something when they could have simply said nothing.

I can. For example, when I brought my boyfriend a box of biscuits, I knew by his reaction that I had brought the wrong one. Well, his reaction was all like ''ohh, thank you, just what I needed!'' and he was smiling and gave me a kiss to say thanks. I asked him if he was sure he liked that sort, and he said ''yes, I do. Thanks!'' But even though he was smiling and looked rather pleased, something in his voice kind of made me think that it was the wrong box of biscuits. Then a little while later he actually confessed to me that it was the wrong box of biscuits, and he was only happy when I first gave them to him because he didn't want me to be upset. I knew that. I know how white lies work. I suppose it was awkward for him to just bluntly say right away ''oh no, these aren't the box of biscuits I wanted''. So I understood that.

I always find it REALLY hard to tell people the truth when they buy me something I'm not keen on. I just think ''well at least they thought of me'', and just be grateful for what they got me. I can't even confess a bit later on that their gift wasn't what I wanted. It's so hard. This is where I feel so much different from most other Aspies, because most Aspies seem to want everyone to be blunt, including themselves, and they find all white lies pointless. But there is a point to white lies. I know it sounds like white lies shouldn't be told in any situation, but white lies have a point. I would hate everybody being totally blunt with me. At least when people tell you a white lie, even if you have a feeling that it's a white lie, at least there's still a chance that it might not be a white lie, so you can choose to believe it or not. When somebody's just blunt to your face, it can sometimes be a little shocking or upsetting, etc.

Nope, I always assume someone is always telling the truth but then I realize later down the road they were maybe saying it just to be nice. I have read on here what people say to be polite to spare your feelings and I have learned cues like someone always being busy when you try and invite them or ask them out and that means they don't like you or they are not into you and not interested.

Well, generally I've found that appreciating white lies has led to less frustration and upset. When I think back to say the age of 21, and how bewildered I was like everyone was Japanese.

Trouble is, if you respond with "are you sure? Is there something else you want to say?" Then it could make you seem insecure in certain contexts, like the first date example.

Luckily I don't have enough human contact in real life to have to worry about spotting lies, white or not.

I can usually spot them online though as I'm a very observant person.

No. Usually not, - unless I´ve learned them.

More than the typical aspie, but still 'behind the curve' overall, which pains me because I can pull off being NT for a while.

I don't know if I can always see through white lies, but when I do, it makes me mad. I would rather a person be honest with me, or just not say anything at all, than to put on some fake-nice polite act with me.

I can spot black lies. White lies not so much...

But yeah if a girl is making up excuses not to go on a date with you, then that's an indirect way of saying she's not interested.

I have a hard time seeing through them but it does make me mad when I find out & would much rather people be upfront & honest with me like I am with them.

Hmm, I have never heard that excuse, but there could be several explanations for it. I would probably have taken it at face value, too - even if I suspected it was a lie, I wouldn't assume that was the reason. I'd just figure she didn't want to divulge a lot of personal information to a guy she just met, or that she intentionally no longer had any contact with the child's father.



Getting gifts can make me so uncomfortable, that it actually annoys me when people do it. I never know how to react, and even if I'm pleased, I feel I've disappointed them by not being effusive enough, but its just not my nature to fawn and gush. If its something I'm not excited about, I can't do anything except smile awkwardly and say thank you (which in itself makes me feel like I'm being dishonest). As Sheldon Cooper says "You haven't given me a gift, you've given me a social obligation," and I do not appreciate it.




I think I usually spot them fairly easily - once in a while, it may not dawn on me until later, when I'm reviewing the conversation in my head, but but I can generally spot excuses a mile away and I would just rather they came out and said "I don't want to do that." 'Cause I can respect that, I'm asked to do things I don't want to do all the time, I totally get that, just say so, but don't BS me.

A lie, no matter what flavor, essentially says to me: "You're too stupid to figure out what I'm really up to, so I'm going to manipulate you with this lame fiction."

Yeah, I know what you mean, I would rather the person just come right out and say no.



Or else, the way I interpret it, it often means, "I KNOW you will figure this out, but you won't be able to call me on it because I've camouflaged it so nicely."

I usually know it when people lie to me. When I was in primary school. Kids deceived me to make me look like a fool and laughed and picked on me. This made me more wary of statements made by others. White lies are pretty much the same as other lies to me.