Homeless soon, grew up in near isolation, lookin for advice!

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For me learning was the escape or distraction. I know I need other opinions than from my dad. I'm trying to illustrate where my thought patterns have come from. I just don't know how to change them. I think that is where the isolation has hurt me the most, because I wasn't subjected to other people's thoughts or ideas when growing up.


I typically dress professionally. Many people ask me if I was in the military because I am very rigid and don't show emotion. I did buy some clothes a few years ago that were more "normal" or casual but I never really noticed a change in how others perceived me.


I think I understand. I gave up feeling sorry for myself and being angry at how I was raised. I realized that it was just a waste of time and an emotional expense. It wasn't solving anything for me anyways. I used to blame my parents thinking they treated me the way they did on purpose but it wasn't until I realized that they have their own issues that caused them to be that way.

I guess that leaves me with no one to blame or to get answers from. I always hoped there would have been some reason they treated me that way. Other than just being crazy themselves that is.


That's just it. I basically raised myself. I actually asked my dad what happened a few years ago. He said that he raised my brother and sister and that my mom wanted to raise me, but apparently she didn't know or forgot she was supposed to. It sounds comical to me that that could be a reason.

My dad was always outside working around the farm with my brother so I never saw him much anyways. We would go years at a time without talking, without him even looking at me being that we were in the same house and I'm not even sure why, other than he had simply entirely relinquished responsibility to my mom.

My dad has always hated computers, TV, entertainment and games. We weren't allowed to watch cartoons. He has always told me I would fail because there's no money to be made in computer work. He wanted me to go into landscaping which was his business he had before he was disabled.

I wasn't allowed to use the computer for more than 1-2 hours a day until I was about 16. I had nothing else to do and that used to aggravate me. It didn't matter what I was doing on it he would always tell me I'm wasting my time playing games in the most demeaning tone he could muster.

I never acted out or talked back because the computer was the only thing I had to lose and I didn't want to risk it. It's not like I was some troubled kid that deserved to be punished growing up.

He said he would disown me if I ever got a minimum wage job but without going to school or having had any other training it's all I could do. We didn't talk for about 3 years when I got my first job. He has in his own way told me he's sorry a few years ago though.

One vivid memory I have that still haunts me is when I was about 14. I remember wanting Pokemon toys because it was something I saw on the news all the time because of it's popularity. I remember wanting to feel like I had something in common with other kids even though I never got as far as realizing it wouldn't have actually got me any closer to them.

I don't know if my mom told my grandmother or it was just luck but she bought me some of the toys for christmas. When my dad found out he made me burn them. He said I had to be the one to do it because it was evil(which he's atheist anyways, kind of ironic).

I just remember feeling like I was burning the opportunity to be like other kids. It was just the hopeless feeling that I don't think I could better describe.

There was never any encouragement offered. It was always I wasn't good enough or that I was living in a fantasy world. I now know that it is my dad living in the fantasy world because he says that about everyone now. He is the common link that is so alienated that he believes everyone else is wrong.

When I finally questioned him why he never socialized me he brought up the one positive time I do remember, which was the box car race he took me to. He built me my own box car and took me there but I didn't know at the time I was supposed to be talking to other kids. I thought I was just there for a race to have fun.

You probably noticed I haven't mentioned my mom much but that's mostly because she was off in her own world, either drunk or on pain killers. She did do my homeschooling but it wasn't through any school system and I did my own correcting of the work with answers from the back of the books that she would then look over.

So I hope that clarifies how loved I felt growing up lol.


I do agree. I assumed that with a story like mine that it would be apparent I needed professional help but I guess I haven't asked the question directly enough. I don't know who I would need to go to or what the cost would be. I obviously can't afford anything so I'm hoping there are psychologists(or is it psychiatrists?) that do pro bono work.

I did get the Obamacare insurance but I don't know if that would cover issues like this. And I'm afraid I might get some kind of 51/50 diagnosis and lose my job since it's security related. There's also the unanswered question of if I talk to a mental health person if they can still go after my parents for child abuse. I tried finding that out a few years ago what the statute of limitations is but I couldn't find anything. I don't think they can but I don't want to chance it without knowing for sure.

More specifically about who to go to. My knowledge of this area is limited to watching the movie Fight Club. In the beginning there is this guy who goes to all of these different support groups to feel better about himself by listening to the problems of everyone else. He goes to like 10 different ones.

Would I be looking for one on autism, emotional abandonment, child neglect or something else entirely? I don't know how to categorize what my issues are or even have an idea of what type of mental health area I need to go to.

I have also tried to find stories as close to mine which is why I mentioned in an earlier post why I wonder how many people are in my situation that are never heard because they didn't have a computer, because I can't find them. I would feel a lot better if I knew there was someone else like me that was able to break free and become successful.

I have found plenty of articles on child neglect but they never follow up with what happens in their adult life. Do these people just end up living on welfare outside of known society for the rest of their lives?

The closest I have found to my situation is wolf children, but they are far more worse. The porridge is either too hot or too cold it seems. You have helped my flush out my questions better so thanks for the time

I feel like I haven't experienced much though. I've never been more than 100 miles from home, never been to a bar or any kind of party. No adventures or outside education. No tattoos or piercings, no experimenting with drugs. I drink like 2-3 times a year. Pretty bland life. I've just spent that life reading a lot.

I would love to help people in that way because I actually can talk to people when they want advice about something I know about but my views are very outside the box and unconventional when it comes to seeing the problems of other people and kind of a double edged sword in that many people who say they want help don't always want the truth. It's something I always have to question myself about.

I just can't communicate on a personal level, and even when I am helping someone and it's enjoyable, I still don't feel any connection.

Maybe you have a too closed face, it might put some people of, but I think it something that you can practice on. In front of a mirror, pictures and so on. You need to learn to relax your face. I think some people have angry unfriendly faces, not on purpose, and that scares people away. I had this problem when I was young, I would only smile in front of known people. Then I was at vacation at my grandmothers and some woman went to my grandmother asking if I was a drug addict (never did anything like that, I was just always so focused, trying to be in control).




Very healthy and grown up approach to your past! Recognizing this is very good, realizing and identifying bad patterns in your family is a good start for breaking them.



It sounds like both your parents have mental health problems, is your father always completely truthful? Otherwise I would take what he says with a pinch of salt. I think that what you went through was abuse and neglect. I don't know if you use this term in the US, but here children that have grown up with parents with mental health issues and substance abuse are called "Maskrosbarn" which means Dandelion children. It refers to the fact that dandelions can grow up in the pavement without any nutrition. I think you are a strong person, I doubt I would be as sane growing up in your circumstances.




I think the difference is a psychologist is not a doctor; a psychiatrist is a doctor with specialty in psychology. I'm not sure which one you would benefit most from meeting.




I don't know how it works over there, but can you start with talking to a local doctor, maybe they can refer you to someone. Then maybe the psychologist/psychiatrist in turn can refer you to someone specialized if that is what you need.



Is there any support groups were you live? Like for relatives of people with substance abuse, mental health issues? Maybe it is a good place to start with meeting and talking to people that has gone through the same as you.

But one tip I have for you is that if you decide to go to a doctor, write everything down beforehand. I don't know if you have this problem but for me things that are difficult, shamefull. I tend to keep them so tightly in me, that it is difficult to get them out, sometimes even impossible sometimes, even though I want to get them out. If you decide to go for help (which I hope for your sake) then be honest don't lie to protect your parents. They cannot help you unless you are honest. Good luck

Thought I would post an update. I'm on my phone. Just started living in my car a few days ago. I found this apartment by luck that my income actually qualified for but had too much hope set on it. I got turned downed because I don't have credit or rental history and they wanted a cosigner. They even checked if a triple deposit could suffice but the manager decided it wouldn't be good enough.

Can't say the car is too comfortable and I still haven't really found an area to park that is either safe or where I'm not getting bugged by other security guards. Been getting about 2-3 hours of sleep a night which isn't that bad because that's about all I was getting at home.

Biggest challenge I haven't figured out how to handle is food because I can't run a thermoelectric cooler long enough without killing car battery and it will only get to about 70 degrees in the current heat which is going to get a lot worse. I don't really want the expense of ice either which would be about $1/day or nearly my cell phone bill in a month.

My car is also getting close to breaking down. I am glad I at least know I can free up the money I was going to use as deposits for that apartment which is about $2500 but I don't know if it's worth it to buy a new one and be broke again.

If my teeth wern't so bad I would just invest it all into camping gear and quit my job and get rid of the car and live in the mountains. Anyways if I keep my phone then maybe I'll post more updates.

If you quit your job and live in the mountains, how will you get food--except by hunting and gathering?

It wasn't that long ago that that's all humans ever knew how to do. But that would only be a viable option if I wouldn't be in need of a dentist within a few years

Yep...10,000 years ago, humans were TRAINED FROM BIRTH to hunt and gather.

As far as I know, you weren't trained that way. You might find it hard to get meat, especially at first....ESPECIALLY IN THE WINTER.

That guy on TV--what's his name? He is an expert at surviving on the land--and he was perpetually hungry! He was lucky to get some insects in the desert, or some snake in the forest. He always seemed to be dehydrated and malnourished when he went away from civilization.

I was really into Grizzly Adams and Jeremiah Johnson when I was younger, by the way. I would have liked to have lived that Mountain Man existence.

I think it's better if you could establish some kind of credit, so you could get a cheap apartment. Get a debit card. Or one of those "secured credit cards."

You almost got an apartment, even without credit! You could make repairs on your car, right? I would stick with the car for a while, until you get an apartment.

I have no doubt it would be tough which is why I would need to have a few months supply of food starting out. And I do doubt I'd ever get proficient at trapping or snaring and wouldn't want to worry about legalities of rifle hunting. But as I said it's not an option because of how bad my teeth are.

I did get a $1,000 credit card last week through wells Fargo but this apartment wanted 5 years of either good credit history or rental history. Or 2.5 years credit with 5 years rental history.

I'm kinda just crushed that I didn't get the apartment and can't see hanging on another 2.5 years for credit. I shouldn't have got my hopes up on that apartment. Would have made this a lot easier if I just stuck to the original plan of expecting to live in my car.

I've got to start looking for a place to park since its cooling off now so I probably won't be on much longer today.

I did contact three pastors in person from different churches but aside from free meals their programs are designed for drug addicts and felons or those who don't make as much money as me.

At $1200 it's almost enough to qualify for more apartments but it's just that I'm 25 withno credit or rental history.

I wonder if some other pastors might be able to give you a lead on an apartment.

LOL....I wouldn't become a ex-felon or a drug addict, just so you can get those services!

I know 2.5 years is a long time--but, you'd be surprised how fast time flies as you get older. You'll be 27.5 years old by that time--still young.

Maybe get a room in a rooming house, in the meantime?

I looked up a rooming/boarding house on Wikipedia but it doesn't look like something I've seen before unless you mean like renting a room from a private family or it goes by a different name around here. Can you show me a craigslist ad or website that is actively renting one so I know what to look for? Doesn't matter what state it's from.

I called a few motels but the cheapest I could find was $270-290/week which is barely cheaper than renting night by night. Would be $1100+/mo so not viable.

As far as working on the car I don't think it's a feasible idea. I've only worked on 4 cylinder inlines before and this is a 6. Its losing compression but I don't have a leakdown tester to know which head it's in. It has a valve rattle which is probably where the compression leak is but I don't have a mech stethoscope.

I sold my engine hoist a few years ago as well. I don't have a place to work on it. I could probably rent someone's yard in the country but it would take me at least a week to rebuild it. And I would have no way to take the heads to a machine shop without paying for a taxi 4 times or more if there's additional parts needed. I also can't really afford to take the time off from work because they have been having problems for the last 3 years getting someone to reliably fill 2 of the days on the route I do which is why they picked me and I've only been doing it a few months now.

I'm spending about $2.5/day on power steering fluid because I've got a leak somewhere which started last week. I ran it dry once and even after bleeding it's still squeeling so I think the pump got damaged. Not sure if it's tied to power brakes or not.

It may have been my brother that sabotaged it because he threatened to if I didn't take him to grocery store a few weeks ago and I was several days late when I did. That's about the only thing he could get to without being able to open the hood. He stole my other car last week that isn't even registered and haven't seen him since. The transmission wouldn't go above 3rd gear so it wasn't really useful to me anyways.

I'm only getting about 15mpg because none of my 02 sensors are working. It's been that way for a while. I could only trace the wiring harness about 75% because too much other stuff was in the way. It's either that or the ecm but I'm not good with electrical or transmission related diagnostics.

The transmission is the issue. These cars are known to be bad and Ford has a program that will cover half the cost of transmission rebuilds but only if done through a dealership which is about $4400. May as well take it to a private mechanic. It's been acting really bad the last few months.

I have no ac or heater and only the driver side window still works which the motor is starting to go out on it. That's what woke me up today. Was only about 11am but like 95 degrees inside.

I'm expecting a blowout anytime because the tires have severe splitting in the sidewalls from age and Sun. I'm not worried as long as it happens off the freeway at low speeds.

I'm probably forgetting other stuff right now. Basically the only reason to consider repairs is because I already know what's wrong with it more or less otherwise I couldn't do worse buying a new car if it at least started.

My brother is basically what pushed me over the edge to leaving early even though I probably won't see him until he's on the news again.

I found a spot to park I think where a few semi trucks are in a quiet rich area of town that I'm gonna try once it gets darker. I'm pretty sure someone will call the cops though at some point so I'll see what happens.

There's several other good areas I'd like to be but my company does checks on them and while I'm sure I could get a free pass since I work with them sooner or later a guard is gonna tell management and there's a couple people would love to bring that up at a meeting in front of 40-50 others to embarrass me.

Something along the lines of "this is the bum that represents why they have security in the first place. To get rid of people like him". As you can probably guess I'm still above that but hopefully I break down within a few weeks because those places are just too good not to use.

Thank you answering; I’m really sorry that things have not gotten better for you yet.

I cannot help to think that disappearing from society is a very bad idea, so many things can go wrong, and I don’t think it is something that will work for you. On some level most people, even you have some need for human contact in some form or we will go mad. I mean that is why we are on a forum.

If you go away then it will be even harder getting back when you cannot take it anymore, you already see how many problems you have because of lack of instance previously renting an apartment. It’ really isn’t fair. You wrote that you had contact with some pastors, but that they couldn’t help you because you were not a felon or drug addict…, did you tell them your story of how you grew up? Or are you still keeping it a secret? I cannot imagine that nobody would try to help you if they hear your story. Are there no programs that help people that are in problems because of mental health issues or just because of poverty or something?
I’m really sorry that you have to live I your car, and about that you couldn’t get the apartment, because of such absurd rules. Bur please think before abandoning what you have left, or if you feel you really have to leave everything then why not try moving to a complete other city and try living there first?

I really hope that things will get better for you and please try taking care of your physical and mental health.

The first pastor I talked to I couldn't even talk to. As soon as I brought up that I was sleeping in my car he started talking about how nothing was going to change if I didn't first accept God. He asked me about circumstances that lead to it and each question I tried to answer he would just cut me off after a few words like he already knew the summary to then reference someone else who was in my situation and how their life turned around because of God.

The other two were just very formal. I felt like I was at the dmv or being interviewed for a job.

Just got ran off from my spot by cops I'll edit later.

Urgh so frustrating, some people are just as*holes no matter what their profession is...
Some people just like judging others. I always thought that a true Christian should have compassion for all people, no matter their faith.
Are there no help organizations that are not religious?

'

I read the first page of this thread & your story.. is interesting. If you haven't read it, read "The complete guide to asperger's syndrome" by Dr. Tony Attwood. You can google for a torrent download. That will tell you pretty conclusively whether you have AS symptoms or not.

As for effective treatment, I shared my story here in January 2014 and many people still don't believe me - but - I've gone from on the verge of homelessness & bankrupt to happier, healthier, and wealthier than I've ever been over the last couple years or so. I met the right people, learned the right things, and figured out how to treat my symptoms via mostly diet & probiotics and I'm living a second life for it. If you're interested in reading my story and what I've learned and done, feel free to send me a PM with an email address and I'll email it to you.

I was too tired to finish reply earlier which is why I went to a new spot too early and got ran off. Cant go back there now but blame them because if you show favortism then fingers will point and someone will get into trouble.

Anyways I specifically went to smaller churches thinking it would be more personal. They all have some form of religious backing or funding but few of them are churches. They are all shelters or food banks but those are worse situations then sleeping on the street in a better area.

This city has one of the highest homeless populations in the state so resources are thin. It's mostly just drugs and gangs that cause people to be homeless here. I can't get any assistance because I make about $300 too much but if I pick up any more work it has to be about another 60 hours a week to be worthwhile.

I'm teetering on the edge of having to pay for healthcare and of course higher taxes/overtime tax which is probably the most unfair situation because it's literally cheaper to be poor if your close to a threshold.

I can't afford the wear or gas on my car to work 6-7 days a week either. It's like another hidden tax to soak up whatever I do make after going over.

I basically work to keep a car running and keep a car running to be able to work. That's why it doesn't seem worth it. And I do know that it is a one way ticket if I go off into the mountains but if I could just be happy for a few years it would be worth it. Except I can't because of my teeth.

It's like I can either pay to fix a car, rent a room, get my teeth fixed or invest in camping gear. I can only afford one of those so the only choice I have right now is to spend it on a car like I do every 2 years.

To me happiness would just be to not worry about losing my job and then car or the car breaking down and losing my job. The car is always on my mind especially when driving to work because it can happen in an instant. That's why I really wanted the apartment because I could walk to work in 6 minutes if I had to. Next to freeway and grocery as well so I wouldn't have to worry about if breaking down.

I'm actually only going to be paying about $75 less a month than rent/utilities would have cost just living in my car because I need a mailbox, storage and gym along with extra gas/wear just to go to all of places and finding spots to sleep.

I do still have some kind of hope that I would be able to afford a psychiatrist or drugs to change me so I could get a normal job that actually pays money. But I've been doubting that more and more recently. Not because of the cost but maybe there is no solution that I've just got too much damage. I'm not saying it wouldn't be better but maybe not enough to be normal enough for those things.

Several people here have said I seem to have a strong will or mental strength but I really don't. I just had to turn off most feelings of attachment and hope because if I didn't then I wouldn't be here right now. I'm like a machine that just follows a routine. As long as the gears haven't been chipped then I still run.

As far as needing people I do want some kind of connection but the last few years dealing with family, coworkers, acquaintances and resource organizations have just killed whatever trust I could have to anyone which was already fringe at best.

I just want to sleep without worry or constantly thinking. Just sleep for like 24 hours to catch up. Even that would be a huge moral boost.

Last edited by Wolfless on 29 Apr 2015, 12:35 am, edited 1 time in total.

I don't get why someone would have a hard time believing you or anyone here. This isn't reddit or Yahoo answers so there's nothing to gain by lying.

There's no question that I have the symptoms but so many of them can also be related to social neglect while growing up I think. I'll send you my email though.