Adult Meltdowns?

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Yes, shutdowns are a completely separate matter; I still have those fairly often, twice a month or more. A lengthy evening out with friends can shut me down easily.

Used to be that I would shout and/or punch a wall. That was when I was a kid. Things shifted in 20's, 30's. Now I lock up. Shutdowns. And they last varying periods of time.

A few years ago, I worked at a job with a really terrible two-faced b*tch for a boss. I didn't realize it at the time, but for at least the last year that I worked there, I was in either meltdown or shutdown mode 24/7 from the stress.

I should mention that I CAN speak, but only in a cruel way. Whatever I want to say comes out as mean, unintentionally. I'm basically just holding back the meltdown...and then it turns into a shutdown.

I decided in my 20s that I would not be "mean" (yell, be passive aggressive, not have sympathy for others) anymore, not realizing I was basically denying myself a meltdown. Well, you can't deny yourself a meltdown. For me, at least, this just turns it into a shutdown. The temper tantrum becomes a near-catatonic state.

Basically when I am staving off the meltdown, I resent ANYONE who tries to talk to me and am furious with them for demanding my attention. If they are being an idiot (=human being who makes mistakes) I want to punish them for it. I want to explain what they did wrong and hear an apology. All that stuff.

But my rational mind is a lovey-dovey jerk who wants everyone to feel wonderful all the time. And when people criticize me, I am deeply hurt. I want to help others avoid that kind of hurt, too -- not realizing until recently that most people don't get as hurt as I do from these things.

So I hold myself very still and say very little, and just deal with the horribleness (my internal dialogue that resents them, their very human behavior). I try very hard to keep my face smiling -- faker and faker as I lose the ability to control it -- and my voice friendly -- higher and higher registers...eventually turning into a Southern accent, which I do not have naturally and never have been able to do on purpose. (I grew up on the South but was a Northern transplant, and could never do the accent as a kid.)

I only recently realized all the weird hoops I was going through to be a mensch while autistic. I cannot do it. I can't be this ideal person, who's kind in the face of adversity and who keeps their cool in all situations. My body betrays me, and I lose it at the slightest little thing. Try telling this to a therapist and they will talk to you about deep breathing exercises. I am the master of deep breathing exercises. No, no, no. This is an Olympic-level problem, not Little League.

It's disappointing. Now I can just quietly contract my muscles and do the small, quiet, nearly imperceptible stimming I've learned over the years. I can say very little. And I have to escape. The problem is accepting it at an early phase. I'm still getting there. My rational mind is late at picking up the signals, and I am trying to train it to improve.

Thanks for replies!

I'm feeling frustrated today because I've just been to see my old psychologist (who I used to see all the time) to talk about the huge meltdown (and a smaller one the next night) I had when I started this topic.
I really don't know if she understands what a meltdown is. This one came completely out of the blue for me. It was a total brain snap. I think she thinks I just lost my temper.
I feel like I've had ECT or something (I haven't actually had ECT, so I don't really know) - my brain is just fried since my last meltdown.

I was telling her that I used to have a problem apologising for meltdowns because part of me feels like it's a horrendous experience for me that I can't control. Why should I apologise? (I do now though - apologise for the upset, or if scared anyone. I don't say nasty things to people generally so)...Anyway, she thought that was funny and said I need to let my irritation out in smaller bursts. This may be true and I'm not suggesting that we shouldn't take steps to prevent them, but I just got the feeling that she doesn't get it. Also, I have them in a series - 2 or 3 - and then I won't have one for months. I just forget about them at those times.

Thanks for reading. Just feeling misunderstood and bummed.

I guess growing out of meltdowns and shutdowns means that you get used to your surroundings and you are in control of your situations.

I was meltdown free for 7 years since my early 20s, then suddenly came back when my first son grew up to have his own egos and temper tantrums. He is soon to be 3 years old, and I also have very difficult time with him. When I first acknowledged my issues I tried to deal with him, but it was a major fail. It just made things worse. Now I just let my wife handle it and I just flee. It gets very difficult when I´m stuck with him though...

I am diagnosed high functioning autism due to my high IQ, but I really do not function highly in most other areas.

I am 25. I have severe meltdowns and sometimes I have aggressive challenging behaviour.

Meltdowns for me are screaming, swearing profusely (so much that I start involuntarily spitting), punching walls really hard and punching myself until I get bruises, biting my arms (sometimes until they bleed), sometimes smashing things (I had to hide all my glasses and ceramics, and only have plastic cups and tough plates in the kitchen because I was smashing glasses against walls), sometimes banging my head against the wall, and rocking vigorously. The only way I can stop them is to go under two weighted blankets and bite my chewy toy (in an attempt to prevent myself from biting myself) while rocking from side to side.

Sometimes I can tell a meltdown may be on the way and I take clonazepam beforehand.

Challenging behaviour for me is hitting / punching people around me and if I am restrained, I will use every single bit of my body's strength to resist. I have had public meltdowns many times before and if the police get involved, which has happened several times, I usually end up requiring four officers to pin me down and handcuff me (apparently I was breaching the peace and have caused damage to property before). I then would end up back in the secure unit.

I have been in secure units several times because I was so aggressive that I couldn't be handled anywhere else. I was on 1:1 nursing for a month a couple of times.

So yes I am an adult and I have severe meltdown issues. I've been having meltdowns for as long as I can remember and was expelled three times as a child until I went to a specialist gifted school that was very suitable for those on the spectrum.

I had meltdowns or something in that ballpark after days at school and having to interact as such.

This year I've had a couple of meltdowns the first time when someone who promised support failed to come through in regard to a very critical situation and when I put myself in a situation to minimize a less than constructive behaviour pattern in preparation for a rehab program, though the situation itself produced stressors. The lead up to the program was handled poorly with my primary practitioner taking holidays at critical times and the admissions co ordinator at the 'hab openly admitting she had 'forgotten' about me. I was in a holding pattern to access this service for around 2 months. Eventually I got into the mindset that if they're not gonna take it seriously, then nor will I. Felt really angry about it and that was the second meltdown for the year.

Stress it stress, bad situations are bad situations. Apparently emotional regulation and control is an issue for Spectrum peeps, but seriously, everyone has their breaking point, there's only so much s**t one can take. Lost a lot of people over this, I was in a bad place and said some things I shouldn't have. But still, I don't consider it a loss, either they weren't there for me or didn't know how. Sometimes it's the way the cookie crumbles I suppose *shrugs*

I've had bad meltdowns as an adult till I moved in with my girlfriend & it's very rare that I get them nowadays. Escaping a bad environment for me that I felt trapped in stopped my meltdowns so perhaps you can make some changes in your environment so you'd get them less even a very minor change may make a difference.

Steel Maiden, this sounds so full on. I really feel for you. It's amazing when there's that snap and you're just not in your usual / calm / logical mind anymore.
My psychiatrist once described it as something similar to an epileptic fit. I'm not sure exactly how - like an electrical storm maybe.

Are you on meds long term to try to prevent the meltdowns?
I've found that mood stabilisers have reduced the occurrence of mine significantly. I'm on Lithium at the moment.
It's worked well up 'til now!
I think my most recent meltdowms are a result of a stressful situation, a swing into hypo-mania, and fatigue (less resources).

Best wishes to you,
Zel.

P.S.
My signature says that I'm questioning the bipolar dx which I'm not.
I can't seem to work out how to change it

Thanks.

I agree with that hypothesis that it is like an epileptic seizure. As when I am not having a meltdown, I am logical and calm, as you mentioned above.

I am on olanzapine for the psychosis that I started experiencing at 12 years of age. However my psychosis is very stable right now with minimal symptoms. I was on mirtazapine for OCD and anxiety / meltdowns, but it did nothing for those. I am currently waiting for my psychiatrist to discuss other options (i.e. not antidepressants as I have tried many different ones and they all had an adverse effect on me); my dad contacted her this morning as he was very worried about me. I think valproate could help my meltdowns but my psychiatrist is very meds-cautious.

I've tried seven different antipsychotics (not all at once - one after the other) for psychosis and challenging behaviour. Olanzapine controls my psychosis but not my challenging behaviour.

The new WP seems to have lost its signature change option.

The sig option is back. You log into your account page, then click tab on the left that says Edit Sig

Ha ha, I just had a psych appointment today and she gave me some Valproate to try.
I'm going to see how I go for the next couple of weeks before trying them. I certainly need to do something if these meltdowns continue.
I'm scared of putting on weight, it's taken me years to lose the 10kg I put on from Seroquel.

All the best SM,
Zel.

I seem to have more of them lately. I don't get angry during meltdowns, just very upset with crying and self harm.