First time in history!! !! The NT/AS open hotline ! !! !! !

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I think most NTs have this myth where they think an undesirable trait of one aspie they know is a trait of AS. This "out of sight, out of mind" is a trait of your friend, not a trait of AS. You'll see loads of posts on WP where we still pine for friends and relatives lost ages ago.

Amandar, I'm very non-jealous as a natural state, but I am quick to detect when something is wrong in a relationship of mine and I'm being betrayed, whether in thought or deed.

I agree. And it's worked very well so far. The only good thing I did in my life, so please everyone continue respecting the rules! Greentea/Moondust

It would be better to moderate it: AS is a one-thing-at-a-time syndrome.
If too much is happening in his life, he may not remember to keep all lines open, but it doesn´t mean, that he forgot YOU. It´s a matter of how many "pages", he can keep track of per day.
So, yes, he might forget to text you, if your text isn´t in front of him.
Text him and ask, how he is doing .

I still don't really, at 28 years of age.
I conceptually know that they exist, and that NTs put a lot of value on them, but internally, no, i don't really *know* what they are


I have not yet, but a general lack of relationships and the point above might play a role in this


It might be for him, but i don't think it is general.
Personally, i'll only text if i have something to say; if nothing of interest happens and you don't say/ask anything, i will not text either.

Hi... the thread looked like it was welcoming of NT folk hoping to understand their AS partner, and that's my case. Hopefully, you'll have some advice or at least some insight. I'm very open to learning more about AS so if I make any sort of faux pas, I apologize and please feel free to correct me.

My girlfriend has a really bad case of executive dysfunction, so much so that, even though she's a freelance artist, she hasn't been able to complete any of her commissions or search for new clients for over three months. We've been living together for two years, and I've been okay with occasionally taking care of her half of our financial obligations because I understand that sometimes her brain just won't let her do things, but I run my own business and between a bad quarter and taking on her rent and equipment needs, I'm absolutely 100% unable to support us anymore. I had to ask my parents for a loan.

I talked to her and she said she understood I can't support her anymore, but she has still been unable to make herself apply to jobs, work on her commissions, or find new clients. I have tried doing little things to assist her-- when she gets overly upset about her computer malfunctioning, I stop what I'm doing to fix it. I make food for her when she can't manage to feed herself. Etc. etc. But she is still unable to focus or motivate herself; she says it feels like she knows she must and she wants to, but just can't make herself do it. She's started saying "she knows she sucks" and despite trying to clarify that I don't think that, and that I know she can't help it, she keeps insisting she's "terrible."

I have suggested both therapy and medication but she says they don't help, and I don't want to force her to if she genuinely finds them unhelpful and unpleasant, especially since I've read some therapy can be very abusive, and she's already had one bad experience with a DBT therapist who told her she "wasn't trying to get better" and threatened to terminate her patient file. But I'm at the end of my rope. I do not know how to help her, and I am financially incapable of continuing to support her. I'm afraid that my emotional turmoil is only distressing her and making the situation worse, since she shuts down and says she can't physically react or think when I get upset.

If you experience executive dysfunction, what do you do to help avoid triggering it? Is there something your NT friends and family do that usually helps? Any and all advice and insight would be appreciated.

I think you're confusing executive dysfunction with depression.

ED is when you can't do something technically, coordinate movements, like tie your shoes or organize your agenda. You try and try but do it wrong.

Depression is when you can't bring yourself to do something you are technically able to do. Depression, needless to say, is not a trait of AS and requires a totally different treatment to get better at coping with life than AS.

Ok. So we're looking at a core cause that's different than her AS? Thank you for the clarification.

You suggested therapy and meds, and I too think it's the best idea, but if she doesn't want to, maybe she's too depressed to seek help, maybe you could talk to her parents...?

Yes.

Well, we're both autonomous adults, so her parents don't exactly have any control over what she does with her life anymore. We're both 25. However, I talked to her earlier today and asked if she thought it might be better attributed to depression instead of her AS, and she admitted it might and agreed to go see a therapist, even though, and I quote, "it probably won't be effective." But that's progress, at least; thank you for your help.

I guess, a different question I have as well is about her... freeze-ups. I mentioned in my earlier post that, when I get upset (read, speak sternly-- I don't necessarily have to be angry), she sort of shuts down. When we first started dating, I thought she was just giving me the silent treatment, but since then we've talked about it a lot and she's said it's more like, she just gets overwhelmed and can't respond? Physically, she tenses up, won't make eye contact, can't vocally respond, and says her thoughts go blank. A lot of times she can't physically move, either, even for minutes after I've left. She says it takes her a while to "reboot" once that state gets triggered. Is that normal? What's that called? Besides leaving her alone and reassuring her that I'm not mad (or if I am, doing my best to calmly state that I still love her and we can talk later), is there anything I can do to help her "reboot" faster, or even avoid going into a freeze-up?

Thanks again.

There are some things I don't know if they are a product of my AS or of my abusive childhood. This reaction you mention is one of them. It'd be interesting to know. The latter responds well to therapy. The former I guess can't be changed much...

-brightly

The core of the problem, sounds to me like, you have a few expectations of your partner. You want to change her to fit you (huge mistake pal). You should understand that Freelance Artist is not the most financially sound carreer path and if you really do love and want to be with her, you may need to Man-up and accept financial responsibility for the pair of you (like the olden days of our grandparents).

You probably like that she is different, unique, and maybe a bit weird. Don't ruin it. Don't expect her to change at all if you want this to work long term. I am no expert, but pressure to change oneself may not help with depression either. It is like saying one is feeble and lacks value and may even be a contributing factor. Having your love and acceptence may be all she needs to get out of this rut. Focus on her good points as much or even more than you discuss or think about her capacity to fill your expectations. See what happens.

You might just be trying to teach a fish to climb a tree. Try finding her water instead.

Consider this: You give up on love and end up with someone else who makes twice what you do and is emotionally secure but looks down on you for being a mess compared to her. What is wrong with you? Now you (same you as today) are the one with all the problems to fix and you will never feel right, unless, you are loved and accepted for the person you are, and not for what you have to be taken.

ASD manifests itself differently in females but for me, I freeze-up in response to volume. When things get too loud, I can't think. Don't swear or raise the volume of your voice. A calm level tone would be good to practice and see how she responds.

These are just some quick thoughts. I am in no way successful in life and am quite open to disregard or correction. I wish you both joy and fullfillment. If you fix your problems, more will certainly come down upon you, so just pace yourself and try to enjoy each moment. Money is no more than a tool. Don't trash a good car for the want of a wrench. If you can ignore the money issue, ask yourself this, do you have a good relationship? Could you be using money to say that you are not happy being with her? Love is far more rare and precious than money. When you look back on your life, you will see the things you focused on.

Beware your point of concentration at all times. It is your life's paintbrush.

Is this a new drop in her professional effectiveness, or has she simply never been able to make enough to break even?

It's a drop; it's true freelancing is not the most lucrative career, and we've both had rough spots in the past, but she's not even working on her own projects anymore. Like I said, she seems to get more and more overwhelmed/exhausted by the slightest negative stimuli-- usually technological malfunctions but she also often complains about loud noises, extreme temperatures, and being unable to find specific items (like keys) in ways that seem like overreactions to me, but I think are perhaps overloading her. Once she overloads and her goal is interrupted, she has to go stim or play calming video games for an hour or two to calm down before she can try again-- although at that point she may no longer see the point in trying to accomplish anything.



Couple of assumptions that I guess I should clear up. 1) I'm also a freelance artist. I write & help others write for a living, and understand the difference between what it takes to be a hobby artist and what it takes to be a career artist. I promise I have a very realistic view of how much she should be able to make. 2) I'm also female, so I don't think "manning up like our grandparents" is quite the right option. Especially since 3/4 of our grandmothers were working class anyway, and therefore also contributed to the household incomes of our parents. Similarly, both our mothers chose to pursue professional careers, though out of desire instead of necessity: the breadwinner/homemaker (or patron/artist) dynamic just isn't one that either of our families really value. We're both more blue-collar, puritanical "find joy in a job well done" people, and I think that more than the money thing is what worries me-- that she's no longer finding satisfaction in either the work that feeds her body or the work that feeds her soul.

Despite that, yes, I have considered closing my freelance business and getting a full-time copywriting job. She's straight up said that, if I did that, she would feel more guilty than she already does because, even though it's nice to have the stressors off her, what she really wants is to be able to accomplish the things she needs to, and not have to "inconvenience" others to survive. (Despite me telling her that I don't find her an inconvenience, I just literally can't afford to support both of us currently. I would if I could.) I am glad, though, to know that staying calm and quiet will help her freeze-ups. I'm naturally loud, but I'm definitely willing to work on my volume if it'll help her. Thank you for helping me with that. Is there anything that helps you reboot when you freeze like that?

We've started looking for a therapist, and are hoping to find one that has some training in handling autism spectrum patients, so that we don't have a repeat of the DBT Fiasco-- is there anything we should make sure to ask the therapists to make sure they'll work with her and not resort to something like carrot & stick behavior modification? I don't want her to have to face a situation like that again. Any suggestions on how to find the right one?

Also, thank you all for your responses, seriously. It's been really helpful, not just because of the answering questions, but it's also helped me feel less alone and more like there's something I can do to help her feel better. I really, really appreciate it and, again, if I say something uninformed or start derailing, please feel free to correct me.

Thanks. Sounds like a combination of worsening autistic sensory issues and depression / defeatism / stress, and I guess those things tend to antagonise each other. Then of course there's the practical issue of financial survival on top of that. All I can suggest is to try to break the vicious cycle by alleviating the symptoms as much as possible, using whatever means at your disposal. Therapy sounds like a good idea - I understand your reluctance to try that again after the previous bad experience though. I guess all you can do is to give it a go and hope a good therapist turns up this time.

Good that you're prepared to go for a full-time job if need be. Hopefully it might be possible to convince her that she needn't feel guilty if it comes to that. It's not her fault, people do get ill and sometimes these things have to be done for a while.

Sorry to hear these things are happening to you, and I wish I could be more helpful.