Bullying or overreaction?

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I am new to these forums (just joined today), and I probably should wait until I have a few more posts to start my own thread, but this is something that has been itching at my mind for a while and I want to put it out there.

I used to work at a residential facility for younger kids with autism. It was in a more rural area, so there were many who worked there who were not experienced with kids or mental health in general. I would often see the staff mimicking the kids to their faces and getting them to do the things they considered funny, like singing a song or saying certain things. This would only happen with the non-verbal or partially verbal kids, and even though I always got the pushback of "he/she likes it" since he was smiling and getting attention, it made me uncomfortable. I was bullied as a kid because of my autism, and I did not want to participate in doing the same thing, even if the kids were unaware of it. That being said, it was also a hard job (workers getting hurt was a regular thing), and I believe that in hard jobs humor is necessary in order to maintain sanity. But then again that should not happen at the extent of the kids who can't defend themselves.

I did say something at the time, but was dismissed. Then I tried to model the behavior for others, but no one noticed. I've moved on from that job and I work in a far more professional place, but I keep wondering if I was thinking to harshly back then or if I was right to get so angry. Now, I feel like this should be obvious, but as a person who naturally second-guesses herself at every opportunity, I have to wonder. Also, is there an effective way to respond to that without being a jerk? I feel like I did respond that way, and - like all judgmental chides - it went in one ear and out the other. Any thoughts?

I wouldn't say it's bullying but it's certainly not the behavior I would expect out of a person in a caregivers role. What turned you off, from my estimation, is that the children were being treated like pets and not like full fledged human beings. Unfortunately this is a common problem for people on the lower end of the spectrum. Abusive and bullying, perhaps not, but that doesn't necessarily mean it was an overreaction on your part either.

You were in the right.What they were doing was exploiting the children who couldn't defend themselves.That's messed up how people mess with the kids on the lower part of the spectrum.

I concur with the above two posts. That kind of behaviour would make me feel uncomfortable too.

Dear OP, I wish everyone working in your field had the same attitude as yourself.
All the best, and don't let the b*stards grind you down.

Thanks for all the feedback! I'm okay with not calling it bullying, although it does appear like it was definitely wrong. I did try to talk to leadership about it at the time, but it was definitely not a priority with them. Pretty much all of the people I worked with have since left that place, and one can see why.

My question is this: how in the future can this behavior be confronted without coming across like a jerk? I might have let my emotions get the best of me at the time, I admit, but I'm wondering if anyone has encountered anything similar and has confronted it in an effective way.

This is obviously not an acceptable thing to do, and take advantage of somebody's mental difference, and use that to create humor in your workplace. I dont know how much you can do about it personally, but maybe try explain that to some of the co-workers and see how they react to your proposal. I doubt you will succeed, but it is worth a try. Also, dont worry too much about the way they treat others around you. Because, there's a saying, "you have to learn to worry about yourself first, and THEN the others that surround you". I know this might sound selfish, or as if you dont care about anyone around you, but, put yourself at a priority. If it is a day job, and you make money out of it, then you are merely supposed to do your job, nothing beyond that. As much as this might hurt you to hear me saying this, you should probably do your job and nothing beyond that such as trying to stop something that is probably impossible to be stopped in the first place. Sometimes its "every one for his own", and I think that applies in this case very much. Had they were your children, or somebody extremely close I would say try crusade for it a little bit more, but, that is not the case. So just try what you can, and if nothing helps, dont exhaust yourself about it too much, because it wont be worth it.

Unless you have a lot of strength and power, or someone who does is behind you, almost any criticism can backfire. Many times the only effective strategy seems to be to act as though the person is doing their best, means well, and is fine, or you have a small suggestion for them to consider. I don't like it but once people feel criticized, they get defensive, make themselves victims of you and you can be targeted as the problem.

If you have a relationship with someone with power maybe you could brainstorm how to shift the culture because it would help improve everyone's safety so you aren't directly criticizing the behavior, you're focused on how to improve safety. And if you choose to confront, that might be a way to approach it, researching ways to improve safety that are low or no cost as that's something people might want to be behind. Your user name suggests you might be in a role where you could take some leadership on how staff engage with the kids so as to reduce injuries and goes without saying that improving the climate of respect is essential to that.

I think leaders who spend time leading their own people don't create an us versus them atmosphere, leaders who are too busy meeting with other leaders to plan how things will be done without listening to staff is what creates that. Leaders who listen and lead are rare. I hope you'll be one!

I just wanted to add my empathy/sympathy. I am so sorry that you were bullied because of your autism when you were young, I was too...and it sucked (especially when it came from adults/teachers). I am also sorry to hear that this is something that you are encountering in institutions for autistic children - sad that it is happening and also sad that you, as a former victim of bullies are the one left in the position to confront it but grateful that you are taking it on. It is important.

I think that the point about it being a problem in the culture of the work place is key.

I have never had success confronting people about bad behavior. This tactic often makes both the behaviour and the person's/group's attitude towards me worse. I am not sure how to word my first suggestion in a way that does not make me sound manipulative...but what has worked for me is to take the time to analyze the situation and the people involved and find subtle ways to nudge the entire situation towards your desired outcome. How can the subjects be motivated to choose positive behaviours. In my experience this is a long-game and requires a lot of trial and error to discover positive/negative reinforcing tactics that will work with each different group or individual...but this tactic has worked well for me in numerous tough situations where I could not jeopardize my job by being direct.

The other tactic that I have had success with in situations where I feel change needs to happen more quickly is to find a quiet moment to speak one-on-one with someone else involved in the situation. Sometimes I will select a natural ally - someone who is outside of the problem and has shown some sign of being troubled by the situation, depending on circumstances it can be more effective to select someone who is engaging in the problem behavior. I would then ask if I could maybe get their help figuring out what to do about the problem, being very careful to keep all the language I use specific to me and how I feel about the problem and why I feel that way. Personalizing the situation in this way will usually cause the person I am speaking with to engage in emotional sympathy with me (and prevents them from feeling directly criticized). This tactic will often result in their taking action to fix the problem independently, or will result in their offering advise which I can then get them involved in implimenting. This is sneaky, I know, but it allows me to put the problem into the hands of someone who has the social aptitude to resolve it more effectively than I could and it allows the person I have chosen as an ally the good feeling of being the 'hero' who brings about positive change. I always feel more personally exposed and at risk with this second tactic, but I am more comfortable with it ethically because it allows my chosen ally the opportunity for some personal growth with their own sense of empathy and ethics.

Good luck with this issue in the future and thank you so much for doing the job that you do. I am so grateful that there are people with autism working with autistic kids...they are lucky to have someone in their corner who 'gets it'.

Just one final thought: are there laws/rules/guidelines for the treatment/standards of care that autistic children receive in the types of institutions you work with that should be changed or better enforced? Could this be a subject that disability advocacy groups would take on? That might be a big picture way to engage with the issue and use your unique understanding of this issue to create entire-culture level change?