Do you live in your head a lot?
nick007
Veteran
Joined: 4 May 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 27,722
Location: was Louisiana but now Vermont in capitalistic military dictatorship called USA
I feel I live in my head alot but I don't really think about much. I just kind of zone out.
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NowhereWoman
Velociraptor
Joined: 1 Jul 2009
Age: 57
Gender: Female
Posts: 499
Location: Los Angeles, CA
I didn't read the whole thread - my computer is so slow to load today and it's frustrating so I skipped to Reply. Anyway, I maladaptive-daydream. I don't know if that's an offensive term to anyone here but that's what I do, and what I've always done. I have always been able to create elaborate scenarios in my head and randomly do it all day, and then for longer periods, such as a half hour to an hour before I fall asleep. I will also do it on long car rides and the like.
I actually utilized this propensity when I was teaching myself to act NT as a child (my own decision, nobody told me to do this - they simply told me to "act normal!" - and certainly nobody told me to create social stories; I don't even know if that term was created yet - this was in the late 70s). Anyway, my ability to literally feel as if I'm "living" my daydream scenarios (though I don't actually think they're real - hope that distinction is clear) enabled me to create scenarios in my mind about meeting up with another student, for example, and what she would say, and what and how I would reply...how I would move my hands to make my point, whether and when to laugh and how loudly, and so on.
I still do this today. I will envision one of my children's IEPs, for example. I'll draft (so to speak) an opening joke to break the ice at the table, go over what I'll say and how they might respond and how they might respond to that.
But the majority of the time, when I'm "in my head," it's imaginary and I can do all sorts of wonderful things, and people like me.
I think it's fine that you "maladaptive daydream." It seems to serve a useful purpose for you.
Would you say it helps in enabling you to precisely clarify situations?
When I went to college, I used to dream about the answers to questions right before exams.
I'm interested in your experience with autism. Let me tell you mine, briefly:
I was diagnosed with autism when I was three years old. I had some of the classic symptoms--which caused psychologists to have a grim prognosis for me : institutionalization. Of course, I had no speech. My memories of that time consist of my mother dragging me from doctor to doctor. When I got older, I had mistaken being put on the EEG machine with having "brain surgery." I thought the "brain surgery" enabled me to have speech.
I was diagnosed with "brain damage/injury" maybe a year later. They didn't believe I was autistic (i.e., Kanner autistic) any more. Many people who are know HFA/Asperger's would probably have been diagnosed with "brain damage/injury" in the 1960s.
NowhereWoman
Velociraptor
Joined: 1 Jul 2009
Age: 57
Gender: Female
Posts: 499
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Kratfie...thinking about that little boy on the table thinking he had brain surgery and innocently thinking the "surgery" enabled him to speak kind of made me tear up a little.
I have not been officially DXd. I don't want to pay for the assessment(s), which would be a bit much for us to bear financially (okay, a lot to bear financially) and I worry that having a DX could affect things in the future...like health coverage. I don't know whether that's a valid concern but I've heard it can happen. I suppose rather than just assuming based on some posts on the internet, I really should investigate it myself, but again, I haven't felt compelled to, as I am coping, and it's a little late for ABA which I wouldn't want anyway.
I will try to make my experience(s) really brief because I get REALLY wordy, to the point of annoying everyone I come across. First of all, two psychs have asked me point-blank after a few minutes of introductory conversation whether I was ever DX as being on the spectrum. My son's neuropsych asked me three years ago whether I'd ever been DXd with Asperger Syndrome (as it was still a DX at that time) and my other son's psychiatrist (whom he must see as he has ADHD and that is only covered by our insurance under psychiatric) asked me more recently whether I was autistic.
As a little girl (this is embarrassing) I had terrible toileting problems. I was never "aware" of when I needed to go. I was very unaware of my body in general, and my body in space. I was always quite clumsy and never felt at home in my body and had no idea everyone else didn't feel that way. I thought I just needed to "grow up" and it would go away or something, so initially, I didn't really worry about it, I just noticed it. However, as I got older I was severely mocked for my extreme inabilities in sports. As I was a little girl, and in the chauvinistic 70s sports abilities shouldn't have counted at all, that's pretty much an indication of JUST how bad I was. I was always the kid who lost the game for the team in gym, always the last kid chosen for teams and always with that "s**t, I get HER" look.
I was always hypersensitive to noise. Loudness as part of it, but specific noises were also involved, such as the sounds of people chewing, or certain high-pitched tones. I would cover my ears as it almost felt painful...hard to describe.
My parents divorced when I was eight, and we moved and I had to go to a much bigger school, like literally four times the amount of children, in a city v. the little hamlet we had lived in before. The noise and confusion on the playground was terrible. I was totally confused by all of it and would sit on the playground with my head on my knees and rock to soothe myself. It's weird to think about that today...I mean nobody noticed??? That didn't seem weird? A kid rocking on the tarmac? I'd rock and rock and silently beg God over and over to take me back home to my Daddy and my quiet room on my quiet street.
I never was able to make friends, really. Once in a while I'd have a friend for a bit, but eventually they'd notice how weird I was and they'd back off. I didn't really want many friends anyway. I was always up in a tree somewhere reading a book, or in a corner reading a book (including at parties), or in my room reading a book, or reading a book while walking to school (not kidding). I was considered "a snob" because I avoided social interaction, realizing by then how people would start to give me that "is there something wrong with you?" look and wishing to avoid that, so I'd not really say hello to the other kids when I passed them in the halls, and I would sit by myself at lunch...and so I was bullied horrifically.
I became suicidal several times over how bad things were. The girls at school would gang up, follow inches behind me and scream "Read any good books lately?" and shriek about my stupid clothes (I never have had fashion sense) or my "weird sounds" (I used to make little sounds in my throat) or whatever...all. the. way. home. Other times they'd pull my hair, grab something important to me that I'd taken to school and throw it away or tear it up and watch me cry, etc., etc. I'd daydream that I had lots of friends who liked how I was different, and they called it special, not weird. I'd daydream that I won the game at school and everyone was cheering or that I was all grown up and had become beautiful and people loved me.
But of course reality is reality and my daydreams couldn't stamp out what was happening to me at the hands of my peers. I told my mother...she told me if I wanted to stop getting picked on, I'd stop acting weird. At other times, she'd beat me, throw me into things, jeer at and humiliate me in front of company, etc. as "lessons" to give me "motivation" to "stop being weird and crazy and sick". She told me I was a cancer and should be "cut out" of the "healthy" part of the "body," meaning my family and told me it would be so terribly tragic if I had a terrible accident on the stairs and then told me the police would never suspect her but even if they did, they wouldn't blame her.
My mother would also frequently complain that I never looked anyone in the eye, that I didn't make facial expressions enough, and that that my voice sounded monotonous and like a robot's voice.
At around age 10.5 I decided I'd had enough and I set to deliberately teaching myself how to act around others. As I said above, I'd practice in my head. In order to know what to practice, I studied the other kids' moves, trying not to let them notice I was staring at them. My best M.O. was to peek from above a book because then I could quickly put my eyes back down on the book if their eyes happened to turn my way. I would watch what they said to one another, what the response would be, how they were sitting, what direction they were sitting in, how their voices lilted, when it was appropriate to laugh, etc. I also worked hard on my sense of humor, which was then and is now considered to be very quirky. Actually, I started joking around all the time at that point and I still do today. I keep people laughing, or I think I do...until I finally "get" that I'm doing it too much and it's uncomfortable...so, I don't have that totally down...but the thing is I DO see humor in the world, little quirky stuff, very Steven Wright-type stuff. I had that then too and I capitalized on it because I found that if you make people laugh, they're more willing to be your friend.
At that point I started having a friend or two but never really a very "good" friend...I did sleepovers and so on but I didn't really maintain those relationships. People would come and go. I didn't really like going to parties and the like, either. Especially in high school...they were always so loud, so confusing and I hate the feeling of being drunk.
So...that's about it...and that was way too long...suffice to say I made myself get out there...I made myself "pass"...I got jobs, good ones...had and have a family. I still realize how different I really am, but I am finally starting to come to terms with the fact that I will NEVER be "just right" and like other people the way I wanted to be. I am currently 48 years old.
Thank you for having asked. That was so very kind and caring of you.
Yes.
In my head all sorts of things happen. I found that I would play out scenes like movies in my mind that I would act out when I was alone, it was like I had too much in my mind and I would write it down but it was never as good as played in my mind so I never actually went anywhere with it all, even though I often thought if I could focus for long enough I might enjoy writing a novel.
I always said that the world in my head was so much better than the real world that it made me sad sometimes.
I often zone out, especially when out in public. I suppose my coping mechanism for being out in the world is to retreat further into myself so that I often end up at my destination with little recollection of how I got there because I was off in my own world and walking on autopilot.
I spend the vast majority of my time in my head. I do something that I call Imaginings. Basically I construct a little avatar of myself and drop her into any scenario that I'm currently into [such as Doctor Who or a video game or even my own books]. My mind is a little like Youtube and Google Images, but much 'cleaner'.
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