Obsessive suicidal/general death thoughts

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For a long time I have struggled with the things I think inside my head, I imagine my own death a lot and it is mostly suicide. I also think about other people I love or care about dying nearly as frequently. It made sense 2 years ago because I was depressed and sad all the time, but now I am in a much better place. I do have anxiety and panic attacks however, but there are not as often either. I don't understand why I think these things so obsessively, it makes me sad a lot because I don't think I will kill myself but I sometimes plan it out, even though I won't do it. And a lot of the time, I struggle to stop being upset for a long time if something has deeply upset me and this is when I plan my death. But then I wake up the next day like nothing has happened. On a regular day, mostly when I am walking to and from college (sixth form) I think about death and suicide and I want it to stop desperately.

I suspect that my anxiety has manifested itself in to a different form, rather than being completely visible like it was before through panic attacks and hiding away. I am in my last year of sixth form also, and I am happy with where I'm at and the people I'm surrounded by but I'm scared that once this changes I will kill myself. I have kind of told someone about my thoughts, but not as in depth.

I would appreciate any form of advice or even personal experiences explained would be helpful. Is this a common issue among those on the spectrum?

Also, I'm not OCD or anything, just AS, Dyspraxia, SPD and Anxiety (though not as prominent currently).

Hmm maybe it's because you cannot imagine yourself having a future or you don't have goals? If you are feeling like there is no point to your life, your not making any contribution then it's understandable.

When I left high school I genuinely thought I would die because I'm not in education anymore and didn't know what to do next.
Also I thought maybe I'd get killed and id be gone before 20 but so far I'm still alive. I'm not actually sure why. Even now I'm a bit suprised that what I thought hasn't come true.

Maybe because death is a strange subject. We have a conciousness and we have a hard time understanding death. It's such a change.

I had it too when I was your age. Except I was not only thinking about death and suicide but also dreaming about it a lot and I was actually... quite happy due to those thoughts. They felt like a catharsis for some reason.

Then, when I was wondering what it might mean I come across this sentence:

"Kill yourself but don't cause any harm to your body".

Thoughts and dreams about death and suicide mean you don't accept your current self and want a change but the change is scary so it gets compared to death. Thinking about suicide is paradoxically a positive thing because it means you are ready for that change. You are not scared anymore, you want to change and are determined to do what it takes to fix yourself.

You are ready to "kill yourself". Metaphorically. When we change something in us "dies", the current self. You don't actually plan to kill your body, you only imagine killing yourself. What dies in your thoughts is your upset, anxious self.

It's OK.

Those thoughts will stop once you actually change and find a new self or learn to accept your current self.

BTW. Real suicide thoughts mean exactly the same! The person is ready to change and has the strength to do so. They just interpret the suicidal thoughts literally and kill their whole body instead of metaphorically killing their current selves and gaining a new one.

Pure-O OCD?
I know you said you don't have OCD but this one often goes undetected.

I think about sickness and death all the time. Probably a lot comes from my job, but I tend to dwell a lot on death when I'm depressed - in fact thats how I can tell I'm depressed. Never suicide of myself.

Are there particular things that are triggering these thoughts? If you are thinking suicidal thoughts while walking to and from college then maybe you can make a slight change to the walk that will break the pattern. Maybe change the route you take or do some sort of activity while walking. This could be listening to music, reflecting on the day, planning what will come next, playing some sort of game (ex. Finding an object that starts with A, then B, then C, etc.), or just paying attention to what you are sensing in your environment (things you see, hear, feel, or smell).

I've just recently had a period of dark thinking and have worked to reduce the frequency of those kinds of thoughts. It's not a quick process as thoughts can be connected with people, places, and things that are part of your everyday life.

If you are afraid of things going downhill as a result of upcoming changes then maybe it's a good idea to make sure you have a good safety net in place just in case. You can also consider having something handy in case you get into a negative headspace (ex. A list of calming activities or people you can reach out to). I found an app called "Safety Plan" to be particularly helpful when I was feeling really down. And if you ever really get worried go to an emergency room.

On a regular day, mostly when I am walking to and from college (sixth form) I think about death and suicide and I want it to stop desperately.

Suicidal ideation can become an entrenched thought pattern. Sometimes this is a refuge when there is anxiety with others or other situations. Sometimes this becomes an attractive exercise because it gives one a sense of control. Sometimes this becomes (ironically) a survival tactic in that if life is seen as threatening, this can come to be seen as a solution. Sometimes those who feel mistreated by others come to see this as a way to strike back.

There are certain events that can shake the foundation of a persons life.

Death of a spouse or child.
Going to prison.
Going into or coming out of military service.
Finishing school and starting a “real life”
Divorce.

If a person has come to have a strong suicide ideation, they may be more vulnerable to act on those thoughts especially if they encounter a tumultuous life transition.

Some ways to break the thought process is to substitute a different thought process and strengthen it as the suicidal thoughts fade away.

1. Consider writing a note to a sibling, cousin, or parent as a way to strength a familial relational connection.
2. Consider seeking out those to whom you can serve.
3. Consider searching out a religious faith.
4. Consider getting involved in a local group activity.
5. Consider getting a penpal.

There are things that can be done to weave oneself more into the fabric of life as opposed to mentally cutting the remaining threads that hold us to life.

I was a recently diagnosed high-functioning AS though I probably carried depression and anxiety with me much through my adolescence. My take on the recurrent suicidal ideation- by that I mean from my own experience- is that it was backed by a persistent desire to see the world coherent and reasoned to an obsessive-compulsive degree.

I presumed that my lack of place in the world and the other unexplained phenomena (desire to live, protect, the pathological drives to sustain one's internal world) was placed on a backdrop of self-loathing and despair which directed me towards solving these 'problems' because the rational mindset decreed that only by understanding the base principles could there be some fulfillment, harmony or negation of pain. I questioned incessantly about grief, mourning because the ideas were so foreign to me that grief was a positive behaviour when it had provided no practical amelioration to a situation. It spirals down there into the concept of death and ruminations about 'what if I didn't exist?' or 'Would the pain end if I were gone?' or 'How would people react?'. Perhaps in those episodes where I see people mourning me, I would feel valued and needed.

I held no practical value towards carrying out suicide because there was no validation to those visualisations Though in the way I mentioned they can perhaps have a positive effect on our self-concept. It even acts as a deterrent to committing it because those ideations hold that you will be missed by some and therefore you do have value. (That brings some shivers to me- sudden recollections)

You become addicted to those thoughts and they form a circuit in your brain which fades into the distance but never completely- the firing hammer always on the ready. Anxieties relevant to what caused the train of thought in the first people would cause it to fire again.

Possibly, reinterpreting the situation in a more positive light (like what one of the posters said about the suicide being the annihilation of the past self, the death of those fears) or deconstructing your own thought processes until you arrive at what triggers the incident so that you can develop an avoidance mechanism could work.

This was just a rush of unstructured stream-of-consciousness so I'm not even sure whether there's a even tiny bit that's helpful here but I hope I could help out even a little bit.