Impressing People

Post Reply New Topic

I read the interview Alex did with Steve Silberman. One paragraph really stood out to me:

"But I realized that I did not have to invest so much energy in what neurotypicals do all the time, which is what I would call reputation management. You walk into a room, you figure out who the powerful, cute, or cool people are and then you try to impress them; and neurotypicals put a lot of energy into that, including me. I realized I didn’t have to impress anybody because nobody was trying to impress anybody. People were just being themselves. And it taught me a really profound lesson and that was something [which] really struck me about Autreat."

I guess it never occurred to me that neurotypical people actually took note of these things. I've read or heard comments from guys who, for example, talk about impressing girls. I never did anything to "impress" the opposite sex other than trying to be a nice guy.

Likewise, I don't take notice of powerful people as such. That probably explains a lot of the misunderstandings and conflicts I've experienced over the years. Powerful neurotypicals generally seem to crave recognition of their status that I can't appreciate. It just seems like so much shallowness to me.

It's true. Especially NT women. That's why fashion and makeup are such big industries. As an NT, I know that first impressions usually depend on hair, makeup, clothes and how I carry myself (smiling, eye contact). Communication and personality come later, but since you may not even talk to everyone you see that just means your appearance is even more important. And like they say, "You only have one chance to make a good first impression". Most of the time NT women dress for other NT women because most men don't know anything about designer purses or clothes. I believe when men dress up they dress to impress both sexes.

This concept has bothered me for years. Especially the "powerful" or "important" concepts. These people are nobody special and are just people like me. Why should I be impressed? If you do not earn my respect you do not get it. I don't function well around those types because I see it as a personal challenge to confront their "status". This naturally has caused many issues for me. If you put yourself on a pedestal, I really, really want to be the one to knock you off. But if you put yourself down I likewise am compelled to help you up.

I hated this idea so much that I (unconsciously until recently) went out of my way to repel and offend people. This impressed a certain group of people without my realizing it. I never did any of that stuff to impress anyone, but yet still got roped into that social dynamic.

Many people who are "outcasts" are just people impressing a different social group. The "it's cool to be not cool" types. I still can't get why people just aren't what they are and why appearances are so damn important. Cleanliness has a practical purpose, so you don't smell. But I could never understand things like wearing shirts and ties and shaving. These are such needless annoyances that only serve to complicate life and make people uncomfortable.

Authenticity, is this even a valued trait in the "NT" world? I'm pretty sure there was a time where it was. Seems to be a hindrance in our society today.

It's not just NT's doing it. I was told that Daryl Hannah and Michael Jackson are/were Aspies? Any Aspie in the entertainment industry has to do the same thing and keep up with appearances because they are idolized by mostly an NT audience.

I'd like to think that I'm not trying to impress anyone but the truth is that I often catch myself doing so. Just being honest. I don't think there is a way to completely dismiss the desire to impress others (particularly NTs that have power) unless you live in the wilderness or something. There is simply too much at stake - like relationships and careers - to be authentic to the furthest extent possible. I should know because there are times I decide to say and do what I really want and it isn't always received well. I would think that goes for most people. That being said, impressing others doesn't always mean conforming to expectations as you can be "cool" for doing something different, as beakybird noted. But there is still some point of reference.

To be rid of the desire to impress others would mean to eliminate any and all kinds of social hierarchy. There would cease to be any standards and as great as that might sound there are certainly downsides. Those that are authentically themselves and wish to harm others is a clear example.

I've never cared about "impressing" anyone so much as just blending into a given environment if there was a necessity to do so, such as a workplace or a forced social situation where something was at stake where you can't rock the boat, like meeting or trying to get along with new in-laws.

I don't remember ever caring about figuring out "Hmm, who is the powerful person in this room, I need to impress them!" I've never been aware of that. I just wanted to not have my weirdness noticed too much, in order to simply blend in and survive.

Or as I've just noticed Untilwereturn puts it: "just to get by in the neurotypical world," get by being the operative motivation.

Steve Silberman seems to be referring to "masking" or faking NT, and he seems to be saying that he found that his own reason for faking of "doing what neurotypicals do" was all about sharing in an NT need to impress certain other NT people.

I have to say I don't relate to that reason at all.

Any faking NT I've done had no motivation to mimic an NT's need to impress, but instead, like I said in my opening statement, simply arose from my awareness that I didn't feel acceptable being my real, spectrumie self and just wanted to blend into the NT world in order to survive in it, not "impress" anyone.

It's hierarchy. You're supposed to "kiss up" and "impress" those with social power, if you don't that's the same as attacking said person-- which is an attack on the hierarchy itself and must be punished. The fact that you don't really care about why they think they're special is irrelevant; that you acknowledge their power over you is all that matters. If the hierarchy values vanity you must comply and value vanity as well, failure to comply will make you subversive and subversives must either be punished to submission or discarded.

Ok, I'm done with "Borg" tone now. That being said, in my opinion hierarchy is the number one problem autistic people face: we have an inherent ability to not understand power and how it operates.

I am NT and I don't try to impress people. I don't think all NTs do this, because I know that many of my friends haven't and neither do most of my family.

_________________
Unapologetically, Norny.
-chronically drunk

I encountered this awkward position recently when I considered contacting a group from which I want information. It occurred to me that I'm unlikely to be accepted, and therefore get the information I want, because I'm not impressive if you view my circumstances from the perspectives of a social norm. I assume I needed to be more impressive in this way before I contact them - my job, financial situation, physical situation - yeah. It was odd. It had never occurred to me before because I never bothered currying favour, was oblivious to social cliques and uninterested in gaining status, power or sex. It seems to me these were the main reasons to be impressive, and it never mattered. It just sucks at the moment that I assume I need to be impressive in order to gain what I want.

I hold most people in too much contempt for me to want to impress them.