Trying to imitate NTs feels like trespassing

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When I try to act like an NT, I feel that I'm not supposed to do that. It's as if I was trespassing on someone else's private property, because I do something that I'm not supposed to do.
Do you experience this feeling?

Yes and I am an NT

weird, right?

-paradox

_________________
Unapologetically, Norny.
-chronically drunk

But that means you are imitating yourself!
The question is for aspies.

I cannot act like an "NT". I'm not even sure what "NT" is.

I do my best to behave in an appropriate manner as befits the social situation.

This has taken many many years of practice and I am certain that there is a certain amount of copycat behaviour involved but I'm not certain that I have copied it from the "NT's".

It's probably that I am an amalgamation of many kinds.

I do not feel like a trespasser.

I feel like a monkey.

on the rare occasions I"ve gone out of my way to try to be outgoing, bubbly, friendly, eye-contact-making, talkative, smiley, etc. I've felt exactly the same way I felt in elementary school when my friend and I decided to pretend we were from "down south" and spoke all day in a southern accent - it feels like funny game/ an act/ a practical joke that I'm playing on everyone else. Except it's not funny for anyone, it's just exhausting and results in a lot of people expecting me to be very different from how I really am the next time I see them, and then having to explain to them why it doesn't mean that I'm angry or depressed or upset with them or anything else. In fact it has nothing to do with them. Which I think they hate - that nothing I do has anything to do with them.

(as a hilarious-but-probably-only-to-me aside, it occurs to me that I've used both Windows NT and Windows ME and I hate to say it but NT is in fact better than ME. )

I don’t think I’ve ever felt that way specifically for trying to imitate neurotypicals, but I wasn’t diagnosed till my mid twenties, and Asperger’s was unheard of a few years earlier. It sounds familiar to me anyway—I’ve often felt it wasn’t right for me to do what I wanted to do and others did with no problem, because that seemed to be their territory.

I particularly felt guilty for wanting to read and become cultured. For years, I avoided school libraries, feeling I didn’t belong in them—it probably helped that I never knew how to behave there. When I became a good student (as good as you can be said to be when you have no life, and your parents are fed up with your obsessive studying, that is, no matter how high your marks may be), I also felt like I had no business as one—I felt like an unwelcome guest in the club of the real nerds. At that time, I was in a posh school where most everyone regarded me as a country bumpkin, which further seemed to imply I wasn’t supposed to be educated or a good student.

I'm late diagnosed, so I've been trying to imitate NTs for decades, with varying degrees of success. Now I imitate NTs as a means of survival, because I'm not sure if I would be penalized for acting like my true, goofy, oddball self. I am particularly scared about this at work. Would it hurt my career if I be myself? Should I do everything by NT rules because I live in an NT world? Would people hate the authentic me, or appreciate it because I'm not holding back my enthusiasm, passion, and humor? My wife and mom are telling me that the real, weird me is a good person to know. I'm still trying to believe it.

It's exhausting and mentally taxing. I usually need a nap (or just quiet decompression time) when I get home if I've been out and about, especially if socializing was involved.

It actually feels pretty good and natural to act NT. I just feel like most of the time people are too annoying for me to act NT.

Ugh I try and act NT from time to time but I find it exhausting. There's so much to think about - eye contact, tone, posture, hand movements, small talk etc. I really can't do small talk

I didn't get diagnosed till I was 18 so for years I tried to fit in with little to no success. I don't know about trespassing per say, but it definitely didn't feel natural at all when I tried to imitate people. Now I don't even try and just act like myself.

At home, I can act HFA/AS all I want. I don't have the whole class of 2016 watching me. But when it comes to school, that's where I have to go into my "NT-ish mode." I talk with NTs as if I was an NT. But I don't act stupid, like many do. I follow routines, I follow directions, and I make sure my homework is finished. If my routine is broken, don't expect me to forget about it and say "oh, I'll try again next time." I'm NOT happy when my routine is broke!! Or if something happens out of thin air, and I don't even know about it.
A few days ago in my Government class (we are doing a fake "Congress" right now with bills and debates), the teacher told us about a "Committee List." But she only mentioned it for two seconds, and I thought it was an in-class assignment. Next day I see a few people with a committee list finished and printed out. What the heck!? Why didn't I get full directions?! !

When it comes to conversation with NTs at school or at a school function, I have to always go to my "censored/safe list" of topics. Interests NTs and I share. If I talk about my interests, which are probably one-of-a-kind at my high school, people will probably find me weird and boring, I'll probably lose friends, they won't understand what it is, etc etc. Sometimes I have awkward silences because I have nothing else to talk about (other than the uncensored/too weird for school list). I don't talk about my uncensored list with the kids in Special Olympics or on the spectrum either, it is something I keep to myself. (And no, I'm not in Special Olympics, but our school has a S-O program).