Anxiety when listening to favourite songs

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Hey all, so here goes my second post on this ever-interesting forum.

I'll start off by saying that in my first post I mentioned that I was diagnosed at a young age with Asperger's syndrome, but after talking to my mum recently, I have since found out that the doctor did not end up diagnosing me at all - he said that I fit under various different categories/diagnoses... Before talking to my mum recently, as far as I can remember, I've thought that I have Asperger's syndrome/am a "mild" somewhere on the autism spectrum.

I wanted to talk about something specific today, and that is the anxiety(?) that I feel when listening to my favourite songs. A little handy info: all my favourite songs are sung by a popular Russian woman who goes by the name 'МакSим' (more or less pronounced as "Maxim"). I'm actually listening to these songs right now and from time to time, depending on the sounds/words that she is singing, and the volume of the music, and whether or not I THINK that other people can hear, I can feel a level of what I would call anxiety. I've never really been sure why this happens, etc., but I experience this anxiety with the Russian language (which has been my unchanging obsessive interest for just over 5 years) not only when listening to songs. I could go on and on about all the instances in daily where it causes me some kind of trouble, be it dangerous trouble (on the roads, I can elaborate on that...), or just the "inside" trouble, like anxiety and such...

So, there are lots of factors that affect the level of anxiety - right now I'm sitting in my room in a comfy chair, with the window open (neighbours, in my opinion, can more or less hear my music), headphones on, door open, family members moving freely about our small home. I do not listen to my music in such a way usually. But right now I am just doing it regardless, although because I took my headphones off and checked how loud it is (not very to the average person, but to me it's kinda loud), I am already feeling more or less a constant feeling of anxiety because I now KNOW that people can hear it but not understand, i.e. know that it's in a different language. That fact is what seems to give me the anxiety.

Right now I'm really trying to pinpoint various things about this dilemma. How's this for something odd: when Maxim sings something that in my opinion would sound weird to an English-speaker, I instantly get a pang of this unpleasant feeling of anxiety or worry or something negative. There are certain songs of hers that have certain words or phrases that are aesthetically pleasing to me, but these same phrases/words are what cause the biggest pangs. As SOON as she sings, like, the first syllable of the word/phrase, I instantly start obsessively thinking about what people who are near may think. I have been struggling with these problems for far too long and and fed up with them.

Come to think of it, today I was thinking about whether or not I stim in my daily life. I couldn't think of anything (but I'm sure I do sometimes), but now, listening to her music in such a way that it gives me more or less a level of constant anxiety, I am finding myself typing louder and faster in order to 'drown out' the feelings. It seems to work sort of. Hitting random keys at a fast rate (just now) seems to sort of do the trick... I am tapping my toe against the wall of the desk at which I'm sitting right now. I can stop it myself, I can choose to continue. Not sure if it's helping the anxiety or not. It's quite hard for me to get a better understanding of how this all works, but I'm trying to right now as I type and listen to her music.

I've just stopped my music and am now listening to the ambient sounds (neighbours, family members, etc.), and I actually feel kinda awkward now that I don't have that constant sound in my ears which drowns out all ambient sounds... really weird, but this is what happens whenever I listen to her music (her music is, more or less, all I ever listen to).

Not sure how much of this made sense to you guys 'n' gals, but there you go. Insight/advice would be ever so greatly appreciated! Btw, for those of you who haven't read my previous post entitled "Social anxiety, I think it's called...", I am seeing a psychologist and slowly getting all these problems off my chest, but I feel that it would be wise to share them here also. As I said, there are other circumstances/situations in which I am affected in some way by listening to my music, and would be happy to share them - just let me know in your replies.

Thank you!

Hey rwils79, welcome to WP.

As I read your post I found myself feeling that I could relate a little bit. I also read your introductory post too. I have social anxiety as well and worry a lot about what others think, though I'm not as bad as I used to be. It can get better!

There's certain songs I love that I only tell very few others about. I never play those tracks out loud unless I have the house to myself and know that nobody will be able to hear it. Even then, I don't have it going too loudly and I'm always on the lookout in case someone sneaks in (this is why headphones are just easier!). Anyway, I also get anxiety and feelings of what I would best describe as embarrassment. If there's a funny sound to the music, or strange-sounding vocals, I go all uncomfortable inside and imagine how 'weirded out' people would be if they realised what kind of stuff I listen to. To be honest, my stuff isn't even that weird but it's still enough to make me feel self-conscious. Sometimes I'll engage in behaviours sort of like what you described, or even skip parts of songs if I'm in a particularly sensitive mood.

When you listen and you know for certain that no one else could hear it, do you still get the anxiety? Or is it just the thought of how others would perceive it that makes you feel like that? Are you afraid of what they would say if they approached you about it? Maybe it's a protective mechanism because you love the songs so much and don't want your concept of them to be tainted by others' opinions.

Music has all sorts of different effects on me too, and sometimes it can be painful! So I don't think you're alone.

Hey Myriad, thank you for your reply! It is quite comforting to know that there are others out there with similar struggles.

When you listen and you know for certain that no one else could hear it, do you still get the anxiety?
Nowhere near as much, if at all. All I really do is go "ah yes... there's that moment again that I don't like other people hearing... now why is that?"

Or is it just the thought of how others would perceive it that makes you feel like that?
Yes, that would seem to be the root of the problem. How they might perceive it, what their thoughts might be, etc., even though I CANNOT know for sure what they're thinking unless I ask...)

Are you afraid of what they would say if they approached you about it? Maybe it's a protective mechanism because you love the songs so much and don't want your concept of them to be tainted by others' opinions.
Nowadays I pretty much know that my family will not come into my room and criticise my music or whatever, but I still get that feeling of 'embarrassment' - yes, I think you described it better with that word. Now, I've never actually been approached by anyone - family or not - about my choice of music. No one has ever said anything. If anything, I've gotten positive feedback: about a year ago, I was listening to this same music at a different house on my iPad out loud, and my dad was within a metre's distance. He actually said something along the lines of the singer being a nice one (pleasant-sounding songs), even though he couldn't understand it like I could. That's pretty much the only ever time I've ever had someone say something.

No worries, it's actually quite comforting for me too!

Well to me it does seem that it pretty much stems from what you imagine others might think. I'd reckon it's related to social anxiety (or even low self-esteem?) but I'm no expert of course. So you talked to your psychologist about this particular issue? If so, what did they say? It might be worth going over it with them in detail if it's really bothering you.

It's hard to not care about others' opinions (I know!) but I guess it's important to remember that everybody perceives things differently. I know I'm stating the obvious, but what sounds nice to one person's ears may not sound nice to another's, and that's okay! It doesn't mean there's anything inherently wrong with the music, it's just not to their tastes. And when you think about it, if someone is not familiar with Russian then it's bound to sound foreign to their ears because they're not used to it like you are. But I think it's also okay to keep the music to yourself and listen to it on your own terms. I do it with mine and it's a nice escape.

Sorry I can't be more insightful. I'm interested to see if someone else can add a fresh perspective!

Yes - either social anxiety or low self-esteem (bullied at various schools for a long time), I tend to agree with you there. I have in fact talked to my psychologist about this issue in particular. I told him about how I even struggle with the issue at home just with family around, and his advice/insight was, as far as I can remember, for me to face my fears and play the music around them and see their reactions for myself. Well, can't say I've done that yet, since I still struggle. I even struggle to talk about some of my issues with my parents, and they know I struggle to tell them. I've been opening up in recent times (past few months, I guess) and sharing some issues in my life with them, though. Seems to help somewhat.

And yes - this specific issue does bother me quite a bit, along with a plethora of other issues in my life... ah, fun. I am talking to my psycho about all these issues because I do sincerely want to overcome them or at least learn how to cope with them/manage them to an extent...would much rather overcome them. In a few weeks' time I will be getting an official diagnosis organised by my psych. Here's hoping that'll give me some insight and knowledge about myself.

I appreciate your replies, Myriad. It will most certainly be interesting to see others' perspectives.

Thanks, I'm glad I've at least been of some help!

I admire the way you're tackling your problems head-on. I also like what your psychologist said about playing the music, even though that does sound anxiety-provoking (for me too -- it's something I don't even think I could do yet). I think mustering up the courage to play it to your family would be a good achievement to work towards! That way you will probably be less anxious about what they might think because you will know for sure instead. And hey, even if they do have negative things to say, it doesn't really matter because they are simply subjective opinions. Nothing more, nothing less.

I guess we know these things in theory but putting into practice is harder. I'm still learning myself. You have a good psychologist though and I don't doubt you'll make progress. When you say diagnosis, do you mean for ASD? Good luck with it all.

Boy, I can definitely relate to this thread. There are a handful of songs I like a lot that, when I listen to them, make me suicidal. I've related that notion before to WP and people wrote in immediately to tell me life is worth living, don't do it, etc. People thought that, because I was currently listening to those songs, I was planning something final. I'm actually not sure if I was, but it did cross my mind.

Those songs - all happy, high tempo and upbeat in nature - that trigger me into suicidal ideation are "Sky High" by Jigsaw, "Feelin' Stronger Every Day" by Chicago and "Age of Aquarius" by 5th Dimension. I have no clue why that happens, but if I were to listen to them over and over in a row, I would feel like my life is done and I should get on with offing myself. Very odd. I'm sure some psychiatrist or psychologist have a good explanation for that because I don't. All I can do is try my best to minimize listening to them, especially "Sky High", because of the way they make me feel.

With my feeble little mind I'm going to take a stab at an explanation.

Those three songs I'd mentioned are, to me, perfect. They're perfectly written, perfectly produced, perfect instrumentation, perfect performance, perfect blend of a wide assortment of instruments (drums, keyboards, guitars, horns, vocals, strings, percussives, etc) - the epitome of the musical craft of songwriting and production, something I aspire to. I wonder if, upon hearing those songs, somewhere in the back of my mind, I could never approach their greatness and so I think I shouldn't continue on? Maybe it's like an artist who aspires to create the greatest painting known to man then, by accident, someone introduces him to Rembrandt or Botticelli. He is so beside himself with the awesomeness of their creations that he just wants to leap off a bridge to end his pain, not of jealousy, but the realization that absolute greatness had already been achieved.

I also feel the same way when I see beautiful people. Not just casually beautiful but extremely, gorgeous beautiful. In my life I've seen four or five guys and two girls that were perfect flawless beauties, like they'd just stepped out of a painting or something. And the weird thing is I feel absolutely honored for having shared the same space with them, like I was given a great gift that no money could by. And of course, if they talked to me, I'd melt like ice cream in the sun. This is probably why I like crime and horror movies so much. There's nothing pretty in those, and I obviously can't handle pretty. Just a thought.

Myriad, I haven't actually been tackling them as head-on as my psych suggested. I'd love to be able to, just like you, but cannot at the moment.

When I say diagnosis, I mean for ASD, yes. Or whatever else the diagnoser happens to find in me...

redrobin62, that's a really interesting phenomenon. Can't say I've ever had such suicidal ideation whilst listening to songs, but in my life I have been depressed to the point where I've thought about (not acted upon, though) the idea of suicide. Just thought I'd relay my thoughts to you.

I think you're onto something redrobin62... I know when I look at pictures of certain landscapes or watch certain movies I get a similar feeling. However I think my depression comes from knowing that I'll never be able to go to those places or immerse myself in the beauty. They're not tangible and I will always be longing from afar. But I don't disagree with your explanation. I've always kind of thought that when it comes to music, it has some kind of physiological effect on me, like it alters my brain in the same way a drug might.

rwils79, I actually think you are tackling them just by seeing your psych, taking on board his suggestions and even joining WP. You could have chosen to sit back and just avoid the things that make you anxious but you've taken the steps to get the help you need. We all have to start somewhere, right? I'm seeing someone soon to maybe get diagnosed as well, so we're kind of in the same boat.

I'm glad you don't experience that kind of effect when listening to music. I hope you're doing better now since those times.

I think I can relate, because when I was younger (it doesn't happen so much now) I had odd anxieties about things like this.

Certain songs, I didn't feel comfortable about people overhearing in my family home -- even though there was nothing particularly embarrassing about them. It just felt like the music was personal to me -- this seems to echo your post.

I also had the weirdest fixation on records skipping! This is a bit different from your issue, but it became something that made listening to music anxiety producing for me, many years ago. This was a phenomenon peculiar to the vinyl record era. I grew up with vinyl being the only music media we had. Sometimes the needle would "skip" if there was a slight flaw in the spiral groove of the record. It had to do with getting the weight of the tone-arm right, and other factors. Sometime if you had a better record player it didn't happen as much as with a cheaper one.

The needle jumping or skipping once in a while was a common thing most people had experienced, back in those days. But for some reason, when it happened while I was playing a record in my family home, I felt mortified. Somehow I felt that MY record skipping, and the ugly jump in the music, which offended my aesthetic sense I guess, was some kind of reflection on me. That is completely without logic of course, but at the time I just had that visceral reaction.

If I analyse it I think perhaps it was something to do with disruption of expectations, similar to how I reacted badly to disruptions to my routine. That's the only thing I can connect it too -- something was supposed to take place in a certain predictable way, and suddenly something ugly and jolting happened, hence my reaction of shock, horror and even embarrassment, as if it's my fault because I'm playing the record. I hated for anyone to have to hear it, even though if they did they wouldn't have thought ANYTHING about it. But I felt like they would.

I suspect that this kind of thing might be something some other people on the spectrum might have experienced, as it may be related to the lower threshold for anxiety about "little things" in general, or things that feel like a very personal experience being overheard by someone else, at least I feel it is in my case.