Aren't We Forgetting What it Really Means to be Autistic?

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I'm lonely in a way that doesn't matter who I'm with or whether or not they care. It's a loneliness that ruins anything good and makes life seem perpetually empty. I used to have friends. They were good friends, great friends even. But when I was around them I felt like nothing. I could never express myself or relax... I was just trapped in my head. Having a girlfriend was that intensified. All I had was anxiety and insecurity. It's no wonder I hadn't asked a girl out before that or that I haven't asked a girl out since. It's no wonder I've ruined countless online friendships.

The closest I can get to happy is when I'm outside myself. When it's almost like "I" don't exist and only my interests or passions do. But that's hard to maintain when other people are involved and life isn't much more than other people. Not to mention it's pretty sad to begin with. To only feel okay when you're distanced from reality. Those who can actually enjoy time spent with others have something I never will. A joy of life, of the moment, of belonging to reality that forever escapes me.

It's obvious how lonely I am. How deeply I wish I could have closeness and love. I'm not some happy introvert who chooses to be alone. I'm alone because I'm too broken to know how to do anything else. The best chance I have at any remote contentment is to get good at something or do something good for others.

Last edited by Transyl on 30 Oct 2015, 2:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.

The literal meaning of autistic is not an accurate description of the disorder.

Hmm, I certainly have suffered from people....but not soley from that. It is not pleasant for me when I end up obsessing over unpleasant things because my brain just wont stop analyzing due to my aspergers brain. Granted it can work to my advantage when I want to learn about a topic or something. Also there are the sensory issues which can certainly cause suffering if something sets it off. That and whilst some people have contributed to suffering I've experienced...I still enjoy the company of some people and do form attachments and care about them.

For instance I do not think I would be more happy in a world without people.

I'm trapped in my head,

I get out of my head and I'm trapped in my home,

I walk out of my home and I'm trapped on a bus,

I step off the bus and I'm trapped in my job,

I step out of my job and it's straight to the benefits trap,

I would rather be trapped in my head.

Life is a trap.

Thank you Esra.

Ooo, i like Social and Emotional Disorder (SED) much better! "Autism" was originally one of the words used to describe schizophrenia. Back then, there was a popular theory that autism was the childhood version of schizophrenia--eventually autistic children would grow into schizophrenics. They had no scientific or empirical evidence for that theory, but that never stopped psychiatrists (especially psychoanalysts) before. I have a particular loathing for Freudian psychoanalysts, as being on a level with witch doctors and snake oil salesmen. They saw nonverbal or echolalic children as being similar to schizophrenic adults who sometimes went into catatonic states. The fact that autistic people don't usually have psychotic episodes or hallucinations didn't seem to phase the theorists.

I do see us as being isolated from others rather than completely withdrawn, unless it is by conscious choice. To some degree, all humans are "trapped in our own heads." We all struggle to make ourselves understood, and we do guesswork to figure out what other people are feeling, what they will do, and what they want. Our tools for doing these things are greatly impaired, so we are more separated from others than most. Nonverbal or low-verbal autistic people struggle to even express the most basic needs, and may hurt themselves or act out violently in frustration. Even highly verbal autistic children may get extremely frustrated by the unfathomable social rules, bullying, and difficulties in understanding our own emotional states. When I was a child, I was bullied, and acted out by punching, kicking, biting, throwing things, and screaming. It was not that I hated people or didn't want to be touched. It was that I had been hurt so much I wanted to clear a safe space around myself.

You could abbreviate Asperger's as AS (Asperger's Syndrome), or just say ASD instead as Asperger's is an ASD.

Yes but then it still just gets viewed as ''Autism'', and I feel that label is too serious for me. Social and Emotional Disorder describes me much better, because that's basically what I am. I am socially awkward in some ways, but still have social skills where I'm instinctively able to recognise body language other subtle non-verbal language without a problem, but my social anxiety really does hold me back. And obviously my emotions hold me back too; I get severely anxious, which affects employment, although I'm classed as ''normal'' so I have to work. Those are the only two issues that I basically have, so I'd feel much more comfortable if my diagnosis was Social and Emotional Disorder.

The problem is I don't think I was born this way. I was actually outgoing as a child. True, I talked mostly about what I was personally obsessing over at the time. The thing is I always recall WANTING other people to experience the same satisfaction I was feeling. So I always had a desire to influence other people. I was just more intense about very specific topics. It wasn't until I got older that I became more "trapped inside my own head". I think its because as I got older I started seeing myself differently. I felt it harder and harder to relate to others. I think its because there's less demands of social conformity when you're a child. People become more and more like the borg as they get older and I just drifted away.

"trapped within themselves" rang true for me 6 months ago... I've come to realize that I'm a very borderline case, and conditions that caused a loss of expressive abilities pushed me over that line into more Aspergerian thoughts and behaviors. Now that I have a medication that works and allows me to express myself and, thus, empathize more naturally, identity has, in fact, become a bit of a dilemma for me when, before, it seemed to be the only thing of which I felt certain.

I just had a new idea about autism. It occurred to me that for me, it means more than just being "stuck in my head," or "lost in thought" all of the time - it's more than just a "self-ism." I hate breaking down and confessing these sorts of things, because it makes me feel ashamed of who I am, knocks down my self-esteem a bit, even makes me feel a little bit less than human, and confuses me a bit, and you'll all understand why in the next few sentences.

I do have sensory processing issues (mostly with touch). But they're mild, at most.

I am echolalic. But it's all mental, none of it gets out of my mouth, and it never has, not to my knowledge at least.

I do stim. It used to be a lot more noticeable until I turned about twelve/thirteen, then it started to become less so. It started out as wrist flapping from about age six/seven until, again, about twelve/thirteen. Now, at twenty two, at most I'll just rock a little with my hands between my legs when I'm listening to music or get really excited, or I'll strut like a rooster with the back of my tongue pressed against my soft palate and my fists clench when I get really excited. My ex used to think that was really cute. I feel like I'm gonna cry now just remembering that...

I do think literally. I won't admit it to anyone, but I do.

I think in black/white terms. I won't admit that either, but I do.

I can be completely oblivious to social customs at times (when my mom calculated her tip for tonight's dinner, I thought to myself "Wow, if I had come here by myself, I wouldn't have even thought of that!" Just now, though, I remembered that there was probably a "tip section" of the bill, so they hold your hand through it, so to speak).

I have a lot of social anxiety, which spreads into driving and talking on the telephone.

I have an awkward gait, but I hate to admit it, because it makes me feel physically disabled.

I sometimes speak monotonously, and my laughs are a bit odd at times.

As much as I don't think I do, I do like routine and familiarity (I was going to have Cioppino tonight for dinner, but went with Chianti Chicken instead, because chicken with wine-based sauces is more familiar to me).

Basically, I believe that lower-functioning autistic people are considered such because they demonstrate autistic behaviors more conspicuously, whereas people like myself are just the opposite - it's more mental than behavioral, and goes less noticed.

There, are you all happy? This is gonna sound really frickin mean, and I apologize ahead of time for it, but I feel like a freak (edited out by moderator B19) and I hate it. I resent it more than ANYTHING. Go ahead and call me out on how much of an a**hole I'm being because of that comment, but it's true, I hate being autistic, and because it's SOOO mild for me, so UNBELIEVABLY mild, that makes it all the worse, because it confuses the hell out of me that I would have ANY relation with low-functioning autists whatsoever, yet it's true nonetheless.

So, what the hell do I do now? Do any of you have any helpful tips for reconciling with this condition? Do you guys have any insightful comments on why I have to be more fortunate than so many others in being higher functioning and a little bit more able to care for myself, and yet that's still not enough in a neurotypical world? (For Christ's sake, I'm twenty two, single again, living with my mother, and jobless, thanks to some s**thead manager and his supervisor goons who fired me after six weeks on my last job - I can't compete with these f***ing nineteen/twenty-year-olds who have been out of the house for a year or longer and have their s*** straight!)

Again, I really apologize to everyone for that last post and how I called all of you "freaks." I'm just having a hard time dealing with being very, VERY slightly autistic, feeling the same way that most other autistic people do on the inside, but expressing it outwardly very differently. When I would tell people that I was autistic from age nineteen until I stopped believing I was, they were pretty shocked to hear that I was. And I hated that. I almost hated them for it - as if they believed that all autistic people were low-functioning idiot-savants who couldn't even clothe or feed themselves, or take care of themselves in any way. Or at the very least were very awkward people who stimmed and stuttered a lot and didn't have many friends. Please forgive me, I'm just going through a rough time right now, and am struggling with my sense of identity.

Thank you for your apology. The phrase edited out was insulting to the entire membership here and comes under the category of inflammatory generalisation, a form of flaming, and that contravenes the forum rules. I am glad that you speedily thought better of it. This is appreciated. If you want to vent in future there is a thread in The Haven for this at the top of the page there.

B19 in mod mode

Thanks B. I'll check it out.

I know what it's like to be trapped in my own mind and can't even imagine what it's like to be otherwise.
Not trapped in the sense that I'm trying to get out but can't, but in the sense that it's the natural way I am.
I've been in my own world all my life. Always thinking about things and rarely communicating with the outside world.
I spend most of my time by myself thinking about things I'm interested in, things I've read, forming my own ideas and hypothesis while all the time having constant repetitive rhythmic hand and body movements.
The word autism describes me very much. I'm weird but I can take care of myself.

I don't feel trapped in my mind or in my own world.
As a kid, I appeared that way from the outside, but I never felt that way.
As an adult, I learned some communication skills, so I don't feel trapped.

Hans Asperger an Austrian was not some twat but a hero who saved Autistic people from bieng killed by the Nazi eugenics program. It was an english women Lorna Wing who popularized the term "Aspergers Syndrome" and "Autism Spectrum" which has led to many undiagnosed people getting diagnosed. Her bad for not hiring a public relations firm that could have told her that many people she helped get diagnosed would be offended by the mispronunciation of Aspergers(sarcasm).