Seeking adult diagnosis

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Anyone get diagnosed as an adult? What prompted you to seek a diagnosis and what was that process like for you and your family?

Today is my birthday and I'm now 35 years old. So this week I will be going in for my psychological evaluation with the hope of obtaining a formal diagnosis of Asperger's. I guess after 35 years of feeling different from the rest of the world (and being diagnosed with ADHD, IBS, anxiety and depression) this is my birthday present to myself. "Happy Birthday, you have Asperger's!" Right.

I'm feeling very anxious and worried that I won't get the diagnosis I'm hoping for, which I guess makes me worried that I'll never figure out why I'm the way that I am. Originally, this obsession started out with wanting to have my father diagnosed. For as long as I can remember, I have always felt that he was odd. I just didn't know anyone that was like him and sometimes it was really embarrassing growing up because he had very little social and communication skills and was always in his own little world. But there were certain quirks about him that I noticed and picked up on as a kid, I found very interesting, like his daily routines and repetitive phrases. He also had an obsession with Frank Sinatra and would listen to songs over and over on repeat. I remember he used to read The Great Gatsby. He would read it aloud and I would shush him because it was distracting (not knowing that he actually needed to read aloud to comprehend what he was reading). He would read some of the phrases over and over again. I wondered when he would ever finish the book because it seemed like he had been reading the short novel for years. Then I finally realized he wasn't still reading it, he was just reading it over and over again. He would also read the dictionary. Which I haven't seen him do recently, but as a kid I remember every night he would read pages aloud. Till this day I have never seen anyone else pick up a dictionary for leisure reading. I think he was fortunate to find a career that he really enjoyed. He worked as a medical technologist because he never ended up finishing med school. He was able to work in the laboratory, which doesn't really require a whole lot of human contact. But somehow he always managed to either get himself fired or quit because of his social skills, or lack thereof. Because he was a workaholic and really good and what he did he always found a job easily. I think he was really great at his profession, because it required high visual processing skills. I also remember making him a visual schedule and posting it by the door, which is something I would do now for my students with autism (also ironic that I became a special education teacher and working directly with children on the autism spectrum). I guess, that is what lead me to look into Asperger's more for my father. The more I read into it, the more I became concerned because I identified with a lot of the "symptoms" or "traits" listed on other forums and websites. All these years, I had tried so hard not to be like him, but I guess it was inescapable.

So now I'm married and have three kids of my own. My husband is both NT and deaf. Despite any communication barrier, he always makes friends easily anywhere he goes. I on the other hand, have major social anxiety. I hate small talk and will avoid it as much as possible. I think over the years I have become better at these things and knowing when and where not to come out of the "chameleon" phase. For instance, I can do staff meetings (because they are required and if I don't eventually I will get fired) but sometimes I "accidentally" forget that we have one. Eating in the teacher's lounge is off limits for the most part, unless it is a party day, which I will make a short appearance because I feel obligated and then take off. I don't like calling people or having face to face conversation. I would much rather send an e-mail. I think that I can express myself much better in writing. But that can take hours for me to accomplish because I have a tendency to over analyze when I'm reading and writing e-mails. I spend a lot of time with people during the week that when I get back home I need solitude. I need to recharge and get ready for the next week, so I make sure I spend some time alone. I hate transitions especially when it something that is not expected. It drives me crazy. My husband and I would fight about this for a long time. But then he started to pick up on how much it would throw off my day when plans were changed last minute. Now he does a good job and talking me through it and letting me know in advanced if there is going to be a change. I think I have always had ADD or ADHD-PI and recently I have been taking adderall. Sometimes I feel like it just makes the ADD worse because now my audio processing is on overdrive and I'm picking up all this background noise. I think my ADD helped filter out noise and light that now is really bothering me. But I've always been sensitive to bright lights (which reminds me how my dad always wears sunglasses no matter how dark/light it is outside) and loud noises, especially the television. When I feel overstimulated I press my palms onto my eyes and kind of run my hands down my face. I didn't even realize I did this that often until a co-worker pointed it out. Sometimes in a new environment or social setting I will become mute. I think I had selective mutism growing up but never thought it was that serious because there were individuals that I spoke to (just a select few). But a lot of times my teachers would tell my mom that I would never speak in class. When I looked back at my yearbooks some of them said "You finally spoke!" or "You're so quiet, you should talk more." I also had a co-worker once tell me for the first ten months on the job, he thought I was actually mute. When I was younger I felt that I had friends but I wouldn't keep friends for a long time. I'm not really sure what happened. When I was close with a friend I would start to talk like her. I felt really weird about this and would try really had not to do it. Or if I visited another country, I would pick up on the accent very quickly. I think that this was all because I did not know how to act socially or speak in public so I would just pick up and mimic someone else. I don't think I really had any major collections growing up. I did have a rock collection and was really into that for awhile. I was always into books, whether I read them or not. I did spend a lot of time at the bookstores and would buy a lot of books that I never read. I like picking them up, smelling and feeling the paper and textures. I do love to read, I would just buy so many books and never have time to read all of them. I did spend a lot of time writing. I had pen pals when I was younger and would write all the time to them. But I also wrote a lot of stories and have journals and journals of stories and poetry. I've categorized my journals by different themes in my life. It bothers me if I write in a journal about something not related to that journal's theme, so I guess that is how I keep them organized. I do tend to become obsessed with different things like a television show or movie or book. I will hyperfocus and talk about this thing for hours, days, months, weeks and then I will move onto another obsession.

Okay, I feel like I'm just rambling on and I don't know what the point of this post is anymore. I just really wanted to hear from other individuals that were diagnosed as an adult. I don't know what an actually diagnosis will do, if it will help or how it will help. I feel that maybe if my dad had been diagnosed earlier in life it would have helped him tremendously in both his personal and professional life. I think I've spent too much time trying not to be like him that it's actually harmed me in the long run and created much more anxiety and stress in my life. There has to be someone else out there that can relate!

Search the forums here for "diagnosis" and you are sure to find many posts from others who have gone through getting diagnosed as an adult.

I was diagnosed as an adult. As part of my son's diagnosis, they go through family history. After going through my history and my present day self, he suggested i may also have aspergers and he could do an evaluation and diagnosis if I desired.

For the first few years after diagnosis it was interesting. The "that's why i do that" conclusion made some sense out of some of my behaviors. But that faded and ultimately the diagnosis has had no real effect on my life either positive or negative. Its just another diagnosis on the pile.

I was diagnosed last year, at age 43. Like you, I suspected I was on the spectrum for some years, and I hoped that I would find an explanation for what made me feel so out of place with most people and in most social contexts. Personally, I breathed a huge sigh of relief when I got the official ASD diagnosis. So many things in my life and my head finally made sense.

Based on what you've written, I suspect that you will have a similar reaction. A new chapter will begin for you.

I was diagnosed at 28. It was both a relief and a burden. It was a relief in that my family relationships improved (parents and siblings) as there was now an explanation for my behavior and mannerisms and they could learn how to deal with me. It was a burden in that my entire life I knew I was different somehow but I knew someday I'd eventually grow out of it. Losing that hope was hard.

Thank you for your replies to my original post and sorry for the late reply back. I find it very interesting to learn how other's have gone through the process of diagnosis. I have been through an emotional month of evaluations and meeting with the psychiatrist for feedback. As I mentioned before I have been previously diagnosed with IBS, depression, ADHD and general anxiety.

My feedback appointment was on the December 21st. I was told I do not have ADHD but that I have a high level of depression, anger and social anxiety. The psychiatrist told me that I could not have Asperger's syndrome because I desire a connection with other humans but I just do not have the social skills to develop and maintain relationships.

Is this true? Most individuals I know that have autism/asperger's do actually want to have relationships, but maybe just with a select number of people and they sometimes don't know how to make friends and keep friendship going. Just wondered what others thought about this.

He also stated that I have high logical and analytical skills and that I am very passive and will withdraw into fantasy instead of confrontation. His final diagnosis is depression and general anxiety. I don't feel as if I'm depressed, a lot of my emotions come out because of sensory issues and not because I feel like I'm in a hole or I'm sad. I really do not have the time/money to get a second opinion. But I do know that it affects my relationships with close family members and my marriage. But apparently, I'm the only one that believes I have Asperger's. To everyone else I'm a self-centered control freak.

Anyone else feeling this way? Thanks for all your help and advice!

I generally hate to contradict someone who is more educated in a field than I am...but that's pure BS. People with spectrum disorders can and very often do crave connections, they just have difficulty establishing those connections with NTs and sometimes with other spectrumites as well. I mean...if people on the spectrum didn't want to connect with other humans, who would Wrong Planet exist? Pretty sure this is a large group of ASD people connecting on a daily basis.


Yep, you're on the right track. Most Aspies won't want to go to huge parties every night, and might not want to have 300 friends, but they do want to have at least a close connection or two, if not more.


To me, these are very indicative of autism spectrum disorders.


Speaking solely from personal experience, I have observed this in adults on the spectrum specifically who have grown up without diagnosis. My theory is that they learned early on that communicating their viewpoint on confrontation often didn't get them anywhere, and was a very unsettling episode, so they learned to withdraw and be passive rather than "rock the boat". This isn't any solid psychological theory; just my observations of my own personal experience. I would love to see a study done that investigated this theory, though.


I'm pretty sure that depression and anxiety are two of the most common mis-diagnosises for Asperger's, so in a way, I'd think that the fact he diagnosed you with these is an indication you may be on the right path. When we tried to get my partner diagnosed, his Dr. was more interested in prescribing him medicine than giving him any formal diagnosis of anything, so we abandoned the pursuit. I think you can reap some of the benefits of diagnosis - like getting more understanding from those you love - even without a formal diagnosis if you can use some of the tools available to help them understand operating on the assumption that you have Asperger's. For example, let's say you find a blog article discussing the difficulty that Aspies face when dealing with change in their environment, and you feel like it really explains the way that you feel when they're changes (for example, if your wife rearranged the living room - to her, it freshened things up; to you, it changed your safe-zone, and she doesn't understand why you're being controlling about the living room, and you can't understand why she can't leave things how they were). You might not have a diagnosis of Asperger's, but you could still share this with your wife, and say "Hey look, this is how I feel when things change in my environment". As an NT, I've found articles like that to be very enlightening to help me understand my AS partner. He's not formally diagnosed, so technically, we don't really know that he has Asperger's; however, what we do know for sure is that the description of change in that article resonates with him, so whatever he has, that article can help me understand him. So now, when there's something that happens that requires major change, I can be more sympathetic and try to make the change as easy on him as possible...and when the change isn't required, I can avoid doing it. While a diagnosis would be nice (especially to convince some family members who can't imagine there's anything wrong with any relation of theirs *facepalm* ), I think some of the benefits can still be enjoyed if you are creative about how you utilize what information you have.

I am a sociologist finishing a MS. I study autistic adults and my special interest area is autistic workers. Autistic identity is another of interest areas. I don't know your therapist, and there is no licensing body to "qualify" me for what I do, so really my answer is as good as any internet authority.

I suggest taking an online self-diagnosis test. I like the RAADS-R best. The scoring confuses some people, so let me know if you need help with this. Then I would also just browse about here on WrongPlanet and read what other autistic adults are saying, specifically what other women say. If it resonates with you, you might be the same "kind" of person.

It's simply not true that autistic people don't seek connections with other people. That's an offensive stereotype. I mean, I could go out and get a job counseling people with PTSD because I technically have the education for it, but I am not qualified to do that. I don't know enough about it. It would irresponsible for me to give advice about something I don't know about. Your therapist is probably familiar with one or two people on the spectrum and is erroneously assuming that all people on the spectrum are the same as the people she knows.

Just from what I read that you wrote in this thread, I would also be suspicious that your dad is an aspie (has high spectrum autism) and that you may be as well. Sometimes, certainly not always, two aspies can be abrasive to one another. My husband and his brother drive each other nuts and are both aspies. It took them both a long time to realize that they are both very similar, but with completely different interests. Maybe it's the case with you and your dad. He is interested in the dictionary, you are not, lol.

You've come to the right place. Trust your instincts, and keep exploring. People here are very helpful, and there's always someone around when you need to talk.

I love that you used this example because this is exactly what went down yesterday afternoon, when my husband tried to move a piece of furniture in our living room. I can completely relate to the safe-zone as I feel that my home and belongings are an extension of myself.

Also, thank you for your post. I agree completely and it is good to hear what other's have experienced seeking diagnosis. I think part of what I'm experiencing stems from the fact that not many women seek diagnosis and/or are misdiagnosed.

You might want to read Tony Attwood's Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome. He is a psychologist (I think) and noted that a lot of AS girls (and some boys) retreat into a fantasy world where they are socially successful and accepted, unlike in their real world. Many will have imaginary friends that are always available and treat them as the hero of their own story. Attwood also noted that many AS children will make attempts to socialize, but will be rebuffed and ridiculed for their awkward efforts. Many of us want to have friends, but give up trying after too many failures.

Anxiety and depression seems like a natural outcome for people with ASD, especially girls, who tend to point their emotions inward, as anxiety, depression, and feelings of low self worth, instead of outward in acts of aggression or arrogance. If you live in a world that hurts you, you're going to get sad and anxious. Being a control freak is almost a universal symptom, I think, especially if you have any sensory issues--you're trying to minimize the pain and distraction in your environment.

I had a similar reaction from my first psychiatrist. I was too verbal and I could make eye contact, so I couldn't have Asperger's. I wonder if these people have had any experience in dealing with people on the spectrum. Ask for a referral to a clinical psychologist who has tested people on the spectrum. A psychiatrist is really more for medication management.

I just said this somewhere else, but I'll say it again here.

Counselors and therapists are used to seeing people whose autistic traits are causing them problems. It could be that a person IS having problems, but their autistic traits happen to be helping them cope and succeed.

Some people are able to fake it well enough in the areas that bug neurotypicals, so they can talk like an NT, move their arms when they walk, they can chit chat appropriately, whatever, but they can also become superman or superwoman when it comes to their interests. This kind of aspie is very powerful, and not a character we hear enough about. Because this kind of person may not ever seek a diagnosis. If they come to realize they are autistic, they may not bother to tell anyone else. So all we are left with are the people who go public because they are overcoming something related to autism.

Oops realized I'd mis-read or mis-remembered your post as I was posting, and thought you'd referenced a wife instead of a husband...sorry! But same thing applies either way haha and you'd managed to look over it.

My man (plus some articles online) helped me understand a lot about the "safe zones" concept. I don't want to ramble on too far here, but I did post on my blog HERE about learning from my Aspie boyfriend about the need to not change things too much and leave his safe zones alone. It was an all-new thing for me...but now, I try my best to keep things as-is, and when things have to be changed, at least try to make the change as quick as possible.


I hadn't thought about it that way, but I think that's a really good point. Because an autistic person who has adapted well to the NT world is less likely to seek diagnosis, it makes sense that the psychiatrists and psychologists aren't used to seeing them, but I hadn't ever thought of it that way...thanks for sharing this.

It's OK LilaA. I understood what you were saying and could still relate as female. I will definitely bookmark your blog and share with my spouse. He also found it humorous that your post regarding rearranging furniture was written so close in time to our argument about just that.

Thank you everyone for sharing advice and resources. I will definitely look into all of these suggestions.