"You can't be autistic, you can speak/write/have a job"

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I relate to this so much, and I am sorry you are going through this. I grew up in the 80s and everyone thought I was just extremely withdrawn and shy with a few odd quirks like grimacing and hand-flapping. Now I am in my late 30s and I have a successful career and am working on a graduate degree. My neuropsychologist looked like he was going to bust up laughing when I told him I wanted an evaluation for autism, and said that I display too much self-awareness and independence to be autistic. I am so frustrated. I may look successful on the outside but I largely "fake" my way through social interactions and am pretty much clueless about how to make and keep friends. I am hoping to get the correct diagnosis soon but I am not sure what I will do after that. My insurance doesn't cover any kind of therapy for autism. But I suppose it will at least validate what I've always suspected about myself. It is frustrating to feel like no one can see or acknowledge my struggles.

It was late, and I had a fever last night.

The snow conversation (which was 10% about having help shoveling) was all about starting a conversation with my husband.

It was the equivalent of "How's it going? Nice day, eh?" It was a conversation small talk starter.

(this happened at my husband's work)

"Oh, I didn't know you like Earl Black tea, what brand is it?"

The secretary was trying to make small talk with my husband. He panic and said, "I don't know, look at the tea tag.", and kept looking at the computer screen wishing she would go away...lol..

I am very direct with my husband now, but I'm not on the spectrum. In his perfect world, people would give him lists and times that they would want interaction with him. Like 3 pm small talk with wife. 5 pm ask kid about school. And organic, non scripted conversation is difficult.

It is interesting to note, the people who wrote they had no problems helping out/offering help are women, which is why probably why ASD is under reported in females.

NTs might not help, but there is a HUGE underlying, unspoken reason why they aren't moving their asses. My husband didn't help because it never occurred to him to do it. I've had NT coworkers and relatives total ignore people. It's usually because they hated their guts, or some other dynamic going on. It wasn't that they didn't know they should.

How does that differ from having trouble believing?



If it's purely an NT perspective, why have I seen it also sometimes echoed by people with autism?



What I said was people with autism on this forum have said why bother getting tested to some people.



You're right there shouldn't be. But certainly there have been some in my nearly three years here who have seemed questionable based on what they had to say about themselves. What I am doing is expounding on why doubt exists in some cases.

I was not saying that you personally are one of those cases.

I have always been treated normal in my home so how my mother treated me she treated my brothers so she would be visual with them too. She wanted me to feel normal, not different and didn't want me thinking I was broken or had something wrong with me. I will notice when my mom points to something, she will actually say what she is pointing at, not go "Oh look at that" and having to guess what she is looking at and look her direction she is looking at.

My wife just points. I get so frustrated when I can't understand what she wants. So many things to choose from. So, shouldn't people say what they want?

As the OP, I should point out that the original topic was about not being believed by mental health professionals, not just any NT on the street, or even another autistic person. When my friend said, "But you don't seem autistic", I am not mad at him. He's a web designer, not a psychologist, so I would not expect him to know much about it. And if an autistic person who was diagnosed in childhood says it, well, I try to be understanding, because their experience is very different from mine. I may have a milder case, most likely they had better access to people who knew the symptoms (I was born in 1966 in Arkansas), and perhaps their parents were more interested in the well-being of their child than what the neighbors thought. If Ezra finds it hard to believe, well, I shrug. Maybe he doesn't have much experience of people like me, or doesn't know all the pain I went through in childhood and adult life. Be assured, it is much, much more than just feeling socially awkward and bullying.

However, I do find this argument of "are you autistic enough" to be divisive, hurtful, and not helpful to the community. This is not a misery contest. Autism is not an exclusive club, with a bunch of middle-aged people trying to break down the door. Maybe us "late-diagnosers" have a milder case, but we also got none of the therapy, intervention, special classes, accommodation to our senses, or understanding. Many of us had families and teachers that treated us as the bad kid. My own mother called me a "sick psychopath" once. She also once wished I was dead. My third grade teacher called Mom up and told her I was ret*d. I was beat up constantly, and my Mom asked me what I did to provoke it. If my senses overloaded, I was told to stop being dramatic.

My original point was, I reached out to mental health professionals, who should know better, and was rejected and given the run-around. Some of them were saying things not even supported by a quick skim of the DSM-V. I was not seeking affirmation from them--I was seeking some sort of therapy or treatment that might make me not feel like killing myself every day. THAT is why I sought diagnosis at this late date. If anybody else doesn't believe me, it is of no consequence.

^^^^^I believe you. Went through and going through very similar circumstances. My teachers were the opposite though. They always derided me for 'being too smart to do such stupid things' or some such variant. Mother didn't say things like "Wish you were dead" but did other things just as damaging.

And, I too, am looking for something to make things better for me and the people around me. Only by identifying a cause can I move forward.

Tired of being 'the bad kid'.

Thanks, zkydz. I was initially labeled ret*d because my speech was so incomprehensible that mostly only my family understood me. I also had trouble understanding my teacher, because we'd moved to Virginia and I couldn't understand anybody's accent. I also had undiagnosed nearsightedness, which meant I couldn't see the chalkboard, and we had just started writing in cursive, so my writing was just about illegible. Often times, I would sit at my desk and tune everybody out. Mom did get me tested but all they said was that my IQ was above average and that I was emotionally immature. Asperger's was not known in the US until I was in college.

I am still trying to make sense of the fact that I do not really have a southern accent. I was raised by a thick as molasses southern accent family, grew up primarily in the south and didn't live for a long time out of the south until I moved to NYC in '89. How I spoke was always described as precise and odd without the southern accent. Been commented on that I never had one and I didn't ever leave the south until I was almost 8. Jeepers, southerners are maniacal about their accents......

I remember having to be told how to use a stencil. It just did not make sense to me. I always just drew. I always got chided for my art in the grade schools because I would just try things. It wasn't until I got into High School that it was thought cool because I was drawing and giving away and then selling comic book poster drawings. I was telling an art teacher once how I would visualize the Human Torch (Comic Book Fan) and how to render it. She looked at me and said (I will never forget this), "Zkydz, I don;t think the Human Torch is real." My grade school art experiences reminded me of this:

I would have either read the box or handed it to her for her to read.

No i agree with EraS, its amazing to me that there are PARENTS on this site on the spectrum, like i cant stand people touching me at all and there are people on the spectrum PROCREATING?!

I find it baffiling why so many licensed proffessionals are so behind in thier knowledge. Most GP's are much less knowledgable the experts about depression but unlike Autism they are not 30 years behind the times and clueless.

I am not understanding this statement or following what your point is. Do we have to all be the same?

P.S. although I am married, it's to someone who is definitely not "neurotypical", and my first long-term relationship was at age 29. I dumped most people in 3 dates or less before her, because I just couldn't stand to be around them. Prior to her sex was more of an experiment with very boring results, and most people were so irritating I couldn't tolerate their company long enough to develop feelings.

I feel the same way about it. I am just kind of stunned after reading through this thread.

I can understand why someone might think I'm slow or stupid if I don't pick up on a hint. But, assuming that it's a deliberate "f**k you"???? To me that just sounds, I don't know, insane. And frankly, if I really wanted to say f**k you to someone I would probably just say it straight up, not convey it in some indirect way like that.

Yeah, right there, the very fact that you can get a date and get married is beyond me, i was lucky enough for guys to ask me out but they dumped me because of quote "too inappropriate" or "too distant".

"Do we all have to be the same?' its not about being the same, its the fact that someone with a social disability can actually form a meaningful relationship with another person and get married.

im not accusing you of not being on the spectrum its just very very odd and baffling to me that anyone with autism can get a spouse and have sex.

personally i don't want to have sex, at all, i dont want to be touched at all, i dont receive joy or feelings of 'love" when i kiss a person or hug or hold a person, ,even if its with a person i love. i just get overwhelmed and overstimmulated, i wouldn't even call it uncomfterble or boring its just strange and pointless. I understand some people on the spectrum have a big need to have a partner, i just dont get it..

When I read about someone in their 40/50/60's who have a spouse, kids, etc. and get diagnosed I consider them lucky. I'm even jealous.

I was diagnosed at 60 with no spouse, no kids, no life. Only thing I have is an extraordinary ability with software but it took most of my life to finally get it through my head to not keep quitting jobs. So now I'm financially secure but money won't buy me happiness. It won't buy me celebrating that 25th, 35th, whatever year anniversary, nor kids of my own. I dated a woman who complained that her daughter stopped talking to her. I had to hold back and not say I wish I had a daughter who didn't talk to me because then at least I'd have a daughter.

GodzillaWoman wrote most of my life story except I don't have siblings and my parents were working middle class struggling to get by. When I was young they thought I was a great kid because I was quiet, didn't bother anyone and would play in a corner by myself when company came over. As I grew older it was the litany of "stop doing that!" (I was stimming and sometimes I would get hit for it), "behave!", "act your age!". I was chastised for talking about things that were too advanced for 'older' people to understand because I was making them look bad.

I know there are some here that don't want the physical or emotional relationship. And that's okay, that is them. But it is something I feel I want. I'm on one side of the window looking in on the rest of the world. There is no one on my my side of the window with whom I can share the joys I see on this side.