I can't handle being around my mother

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So I recently discovered I am on the spectrum. A million things suddenly made sense to me. My whole life I had been brainwashed by mom, I think, to believe that just "being" something is good enough. No matter how hard the times were in our family, my mom made sure to let every single person (even close friends and family...) know that everything is just fine and she is as usual functioning at a very high level. I now realize she wasn't, our whole family wasn't, it was a front that even I stupidly fell for. She didn't let me get diagnosed growing up because I was too smart, I don't know if I should attribute that to her lack of knowledge on autism or what, but she said she did huge amounts of research.. Of course as you can imagine I was on adderall on and off in my childhood (I really didn't like it) I graduated 267/268 in my class (the bottom), and I'm supposedly in the 95% as far as "intelligence" goes (the top). This was a trend throughout my schooling, and my mom typically justified it by saying that she was the same way as a child, and now she's a successful project manager.. (only now am I realizing she is not cut out for the job in any way and struggles daily with it, it's almost killed her from stress, yet she still argues she's like "made for management". I still think it's because she is a beautiful, disty blonde but don't quote me on that. I mean her work partner recently filed a complaint about "inappropriate feelings and relationship" between them two. My mother was completely oblivious to this, but I think she has been riding on this her whole damn career

I was raised thinking if you act a certain way in public, dress a certain way and act of a certain class you are a valuable human being. My thinking was this f**king one dimensional. Of course she never had a social life thru my childhood, nor my dad, but she always just said this was because we were not in the "right social setting" with "smart and classy people". She maybe didn't say that directly but it was definitely the gist. This facade is just too much to handle now that I see it for what it is. She's still acting like everything is fine to everyone when our family is falling apart... I mean this woman is the type to constantly remind everyone when she has her dog around that "normally she's so good" and everyone is confused at the relevancy of the comment. Or when she is telling a story and has to include that "I only had one drink" when nobody was even thinking a single thing. sometimes she mentions how she didn't have much to drink when drinking wasn't even brought up.. Me and my sister are often left shaking our heads as she does this kind of stuff. Nobody f**king cares mom, people would probably appreciate you being honest just once. Even after her and my dad divorced recently, she still argues it was all him.. that he was the one that needed to change and she "rode it out for 10 years" no mother, you were dependent on him as much as he you, don't act like it was some kind of charity case. Even now a random guy has basically started living with her and she doesn't know how to get rid of him. or maybe she likes him and and is lying to even her own children because the guy is definitely not high class.

It is just made so bad by the fact that I know she has ASD or at least NVLD. She has a lack of social awareness that makes her trying so hard to fit in just extraordinarily grating to watch. She just doesn't get it. Don't tell her that. She "went to business school" so she understands people... She still argues business is good for me because I'm charismatic and logical socially. I think it's a horrible fit. I can understand people just fine, I can observe and give a good description of how it is going obviously and subtly, but real-time acting on it, me, my mom, we just aren't super good at it. We can build superficial connections with people we don't automatically like but there will always be a disconnect. I don't think she understands people enough to appreciate the value in every single person, they have to be valuable in her eyes, which are very narrow.. I can't remember the last time she talked positively about anyone besides her business partners in san fransisco. It's never about their personalities, it's about how they really "know how to live" and have all these cool luxuries and money and status and I'm like "well what are they like tho.." She is a beautiful blonde woman though, so maybe she hasn't really had to learn how to get along because the way mostly just paves for her. Ask her to develop a real relationship with someone and it's not going to happen, because with guys that take to her they will eventually want more out of it and girls just pick up on the insincerity too quickly and back away from her.

Don't get me wrong, my mom is smart, caring, I think.. i now realize it may have also been a facade, especially now that I'm not her little trophy to parade around, I'm her kid with recently self-diagnosed autism who decided to do away with all the fake superficial BS and now I'm suddenly a failure in my family. She doesn't realize the fake little perfect kid that is actually not functioning in real ways is still there. I can still do it, it's easy as f**k to be fake and compromise your own values practically every single day with every single person, but I just feel a plee from my body, to not lie anymore.. The first 18 years of my life I lacked the awareness to get anxiety or realize I'm fundamentally different and the next 6 were me trying to unleash the "truly normal" person within me, as if all my faking would someday solidify into reality. I actually thought this was how most people developed but I was just a bit late....

Now I've decided I'm done hiding the true me, and if you don't like it, suck it. Unfortunately that has garnered a huge amount of disrespect from my family who now suddenly think I've fallen off the rocks... Even someday when I succeed and can objectively prove I'm no longer a loser I don't think I will ever be able to get along with them again

Sorry for the rant, it's been upsetting me a lot :/ I end up rambling and writing a damn novel every time I try to convey even a simple idea. Maybe I should just be a writer, not sure if that's ideal either as I always come off as an arrogant twat in my writing, especially about people

I wish I could have played the "ditzy blonde" card. But I was a brunette.