Circling around diagnosis

Post Reply New Topic

Hi, I'm a 30 year old Australian living in the UK. Doing (or trying, but struggling to manage doing) a PhD in history. I registered here years ago and posted a couple of times, but drifted away. I was told I might have "Asperger tendencies", which worked for me for a time, undiagnosed (my then therapist thought my behaviours were better explained by PTSD or similar because I was bullied extensively as a child), and now my (different) therapist thinks that my resistance to therapy might be explained by autism, so she's asking me to get myself re-diagnosed. Also have depression since 12, and generalised anxiety disorder diagnosed at 26 but it's likely that I've had that as long as the depression.

I'm waiting for my next appointment to see my psychiatrist, and in the meantime, I'm struggling to know what to do with all of this. Part of me gets why my therapist might think this way. Part of me is really upset at the idea, and can't see it at all. And for the most part, I have no idea what I do with this. My therapist wants me to seek out this diagnosis because she thinks my neurology is fundamentally different, and so there are things I can't change, that I need to be accommodated. But, despite the fact we've talked about it, I don't really understand why. And I guess I want to change. Well, I want to be functional. I want to get my PhD and get a job and be a fully contributing adult. And I fear I have to change for that to happen.

hi GDA,

I am in the middle of waiting for the results of diagnosis; I can't tell you what would be best for you, but I will say a couple of things since I was asking myself whether to go ahead and it's been a bit of an emotional roller coaster.
First is, since deciding, yes, this probably is me and I will go through the Dx, I've started to have a lot more compassion for myself about things that are hard for me, and I hope I'll forgive myself for disappointments in life that have to do with things that are extra hard for me as a likely aspie. (Instead of blaming myself, or my luck, for not succeeding in those areas.)
Second, just since the last screening appointment, I found some online youtubes by Sarah Hendrickx and then read her book about Girls and Women with ASD. There's so much to read out there that it's a bit overwhelming. I was reading tons of stuff, but her material, for me, is what made me see the cost of having learned quite well to fit in, and then hit some limits. (I had been asking myself: if I get a label will I 'become' disabled and give in to limits, or will I look for other ways to get around them.--and that second possibility is where the emotional roller coaster reaches hope instead of grief for me.) These are just my experience, as I said, I can't give advice....

Thank you, Chickadee, that's really helpful. I just watched Sarah Hedrickx' video on anxiety, and I think I'm going to order that book.

I guess my problem is that, although I've always been socially awkward, I don't know what's autism, what's depression or anxiety, and what's just me not being good enough. And I feel like I've been banging my head against a brick wall for a very long time trying to fix things (I've been in therapy since 1998). Which is fine if they can be fixed. But if they can't, I'm not sure I can accept myself as someone who probably can't work full time, who can't get a PhD (it's a lofty goal but it's all I've wanted for so long, and it's the only way to follow my special interest adequately).

I just have to wait for my psychiatrist to offer me an appointment. I tried to go to my GP about it, but she told me to see my psychiatrist. My psychiatrist must not think it's time to see me yet.

Welcome!

Your experience with your therapist is similar to mine before I was diagnosed. I had several lengthy spells of CBT that apparently made very little difference to the anxiety and depression for which I had been referred. I ended up being assessed and diagnosed via the same path - a therapist (the third I'd seen) who realised that my behaviour wasn't similar to most of her other patients, and though that my symptoms might be better explained by an underlying condition.

Many 'talking therapists' are not very well versed in the traits of autism (there's only one or two in a hundred of us), and in the NHS are often not in a position where they can indicate a diagnosis for professional reasons, even if they have a specific condition in mind. I can remember when I was advised to get assessed that I was very unclear and anxious about what the therapist had noticed.

However, I would trust the therapists intuition there is something worth looking into. Once I'd been through the assessment, and worked with an "autism aware" therapist, it became clear why previous attempts at CBT had been unsuccessful, and I was able to begin making some progress.

I think for me some of the incentive for seeking Dx was to find help and support that would really help me where I feel blocked or not able to reach certain goals. I see a kind of dilemma: do I think, 'oh, I am disabled. something is broken' nd give up on them, or do I think 'oh, I really am wired differently and that is extra hard for me. But other aspies have managed X and so I am going to somehow find a new way of approaching the goal, or new support, and then manage it. I waver between the two. And one reason I am on the forum is because I want to find some hope and new resources.

Knowing what can or cannot be changed tells you where to target your resources. Goals can be chosen more wisely, and you have more facts to back you up when advocating for your choices as a patient.

Hi Trogluddite,

What I don't really understand is the question of what can or can't be changed. Like: my basic baseline
has always been anxiety and overwhelm. If that's hardwired in, does it mean I need to think differently about them,
or that I can't learn to think differently about them so I can only have them get in my way less with
chemicals? I don't want to give up on my goals and dreams...