Eye Contact

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this thread is confusing me. I thought people with AS didn't make I contact because they just don't know that it's a thing people are "supposed" to do.


i have been thinking on/off for years that my appalling social skills and inability to function in the human world *could* be something like AS (very unwilling to self-diagnose though).

and with research i find all my arguments against are apparently wrong!

I know i'm supposed to make eye contact. but it makes me feel super uncomfortable. and i can't focus on what people are saying

i am curious about how others feel when making eye contact (NT included). i don't even like making eye contact with cameras. It makes me feel nauseous and confused and distracted. especially when i realise people are making eye contact with me

also i was convinced i couldn't be AS because i have if anything too much empathy. but apparently people with AS can have empathy...

btw: i am definitely not saying there is anything wrong with AS, just never wanted to succumb to labels and diagnoses as "excuses" for perceived inadequacies!

Thanks Aurora!

I definitely relate to the too much empathy. Engaging with people feels like a sensory overload rather than a lack of information.
There is a lot that AS people say that I relate to. But the official diagnostic criteria are very general and not easy to understand. I don't interact with people enough to know what "normal" is anyway

I also have a very hard time with eye contact. I feel unnatural when looking in someone's for 15 seconds.

I think I could manage staring at someone I know well for a decent amount of time for the fun of it but my main issue with eye contact is managing both that and conversation. I cannot think about what the other person is saying if i'm looking them in the eyes because I can only process one of the two things at a time.

A bit of a long answer, but hopefully some of you will relate to this.

I don't really remember making eye contact as a young child, at least not directly. People were just part of the background to me when I was very young, and I would see their faces as a whole rather than looking at their eyes. I didn't start speaking until I was almost 4 years old, mostly because I chose to observe rather than engage others. I would take in everything that was going on around me, but I wouldn't really interact very much. And so eye contact wasn't something that I really understood as being a thing.

As I got older and began interacting more, I remember eye contact feeling 'unnatural', and so I would look down or to the side rather than straight at people. Direct eye contact was by this stage something that I would consciously try to avoid. I also started to develop a number of prominent stimming habits. This included severe head-shaking, repeatedly folding up my arms, brushing my fingertips together, and quietly making plosive sounds with my lips and tongue. I remember this being fairly prominent, even when others were speaking to me, and so I would often be asked why I shook my head and did all of the other 'weird' stuff.

As time went on, I started to suppress most of my stimming habits, and I gradually taught myself to focus on or near to a person's face when I was being spoken to. All of this was to avoid the embarrassment of having my behaviour constantly challenged, and also to try and feel 'normal' and to fit in.

By the time I reached adulthood, I had learned to mask a lot of my behaviour, especially when around others, and I had also taught myself a clever way of avoiding direct eye contact without being noticed. During conversation, I would look at the space in between the person's eyes, or at the top of their nose just underneath eye level. This way, it looks like I am making eye contact, even when I am not. This doesn't always work, but it does help most of the time.

At this stage in my life, eye contact is much less of an issue however. If I am talking to someone that I am close to, or that I feel comfortable with, I can actually maintain direct eye contact for fairly long periods without it feeling too weird. But for other times, or when speaking with someone I don't really know or feel comfortable around, the trick I mentioned above really does help.

@InsomniaGirl, I also think the idea you suggested in your OP sounds like it could help a lot of people

I'm uncomfortable with eye-contact, because I really don't know how long I should be looking at the other person v. looking away. Also find eye-contact unnecessary when ascertaining the content of that person's speech (although, it's supposed to convey non-verbals, I find the eye-contact distracting).

Usually I can make decent eye contact. But sometimes it feels uncomfortable to. Like if I just had a conversation with someone and that conversation has fizzled out and we're just sitting there silently, I feel awkward and avoid looking at them.