Smiling....

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I was again last night during dinner reminded that in many situations that I dont smile. Often times Im forced into situations where my spouse does this thing with her index fingers depressed into her cheeks with a smiling gesture, in an attempt to "get to me to smile". Im told that because I dont smile, it affects her in an extremely negative way. So negative in fact that she espouses the idea that it affects our daughter, and to a level that makes her question the very nature of our relationship. Admittedly Im not very good at relationships. Im great around the house. I cook, I clean, and do all the domestic style activities, and relatively well, and I do all of this on top of being a really old Network Engineer, with advanced unix skills. Scary thought huh?

My question is, how to do you, each of you even, get around the Smiling issue. Do you feel you have to do it? Are you forced into doing it? Does the fact that you dont do affect others around you?

Trying to smile more, but sometimes its hard.

Yes, I feel compelled to smile. If I don't smile, eventually some annoying person will make the "Why don't you smile" comment. So I smile, adjust eye contact, adjust posture, move arms a certain way while walking a certain way as the situation demands. Exhausting.

What really matters isn't what facial expression someone has, but what is in their heart and how they express that. Smiles can be faked.

Last edited by arkatron on 24 Feb 2016, 3:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I find this a very tricky subject too. My default facial expression seems to give people the impression that I am very serious all the time, very often with quite a frown - it's even been describes as a 'scowl' once or twice. I've been told explicitly that it makes me less approachable on more than one occasion.

The trouble is that most people seem to have a sixth sense for what is a "real smile" - i.e. not consciously forced. So I find that trying to smile more doesn't always help very much, as people can often read the 'falseness' of it.

At times it hurts to smile but people still need me to. Being positive has no agenda.

Being a happy person is not about lying.

I know exactly what you mean. I have been told many times that I "scowl", look unhappy, affecting others. Its usually at the dinner table at the end of the day, when Im at my emotional worst because the day has been long and hard on me.

And yes, when I attempt to fake it, that makes the situation worse, because my spouse thinks Im not only being NOT genuine, but also trying to over compensate at the same time. Im stuck in a conundrum when i try to smile (and fail, because that gets me into severe trouble), and it screws up. Or I dont, and that causes even bigger problems.

A long standing issue is that I dont do enough in the relationship to compenstate for my own problems. To offset my emotional inabilities, I bend over backwards to get non-emotional stuff done, and quickly. The normal household duties that dont get done, etc. That doesnt seem to help either.

I appreciate everyones replies.

- Practice smiling and figure out how to apply it in a situation. I for example can struggle smiling while talking so I smile beforehand because it’s easier to retain then not. I also smile when others do.
- It depends on your objective. If you want to be friends with people then yes you have to do it so yes I feel it. And yes society forces me to this relates back to objective. If you want to be a part of the typical society there are some things you have to do.
- Smiling affects everyone around you your wife is correct it adversely affects her and your daughter. This is due to nonverbal communication. For instance when you’re supposed to be smiling at your wife and daughter consider you’re supposed to be saying all this:
“I like you.” or “I love you.”
“You are important.”
“You are safe.”
“You are an amazing person.”
These are some of the phrases you are telling them when you smile but there are many more. It explains why she gets mad at you for faking because she hears you saying these lines but also hears you say “Kust kidding they were all lies.”. I would hope she’d be more reasonable about your inexperience with nonverbal communication perhaps you could discuss it with her?

To put smiling into context though an average person can smile several hundred times a day thus you could devote an hour every day to reciting such lines to her and still not be equivalent. So don’t presume you can say them once a day if you want to compensate for not smiling you’ll need to say them several hundred times a day, several dozen every hour, once every few minutes. It’s really annoying when you try to translate nonverbal communication over to verbal.

- And there is also a neurological component that she responds to aside from the nonverbal communication. It's like how animals release pheromones to induce heat in a mate. A smile also produces a neurological response in others making them feel happier.

With the deepest of respect to your other half, i don't think she's being very fair to you.
My other half goes into the kitchen to get beer, that's it
He reckons the "house is broken" if tidying up n dinner n stuff hasn't been done.
The man kills me, that's a fact



To speak from the other side of the equation, i don't force him to do anything he's not comfortable with (bar stuff like putting his plate back in the kitchen cos even cleaning-fairies get to have a break)
And although I only have what's written here to go on, I don't feel you should be forced into anything either.

Don't get me wrong, I had this same concern with my other half when we first got together. I thought he wasn't happy because he doesn't smile much. I'd ask him if he was ok etc. We got past it. She needs to get past this too.

Have you spoken to her regards how you feel about this smiling business? Does she understand you're feeling anxious over this issue?

imo you guys need to talk. Yes, it affects NTs when we don't see some smiling but we're also capable of getting over it. Least, we should be if we want the partnership. There sounds as tho there needs to be more work from her side regards understanding your needs and limitations. Frankly, you sound like you do plenty around the house. So what if you don't always smile? You're doing stuff for her that more than makes up for it and should be keeping her smiling anyway.
Yes, there should be give and take in a partnership but it's not like you're lacking in the giving front, going by what's been said here.

With that said, I appreciate this is important to her and you're trying to oblige. Maybe compromise on something else but admit to her you're struggling with this one.

Please talk to her and help her understand how she's making you feel. Hopefully it will do the trick : )