Internal vs. External

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Sometimes it has been hard for me to realize what I seem like to other people because I'm only thinking about how things feel internally.

For example in Jr. High sometimes when I was sitting at my desk I would put my hand up against my cheekbone with my elbow on the table and rest like that. It would feel fine to me but on the outside it would look weird as my cheek was stretched out, etc. and people would make fun of me for sitting like that.

If I made noises like grunting of any kind when straining to pick up an object or something people would start laughing. I had to remind myself they could hear me because I didn't think about this on my own. I had to learn how to do it quietly without people hearing me.

I also learned a lot of other things like this only through bitter experience of people seeing and laughing. Sometimes for example when I hear an irritating noise my head will flick a little bit and people don't see this as a normal reaction to an irritating noise. They see someone making a "spastic movement" and think it's funny. So I have had to start learning NOT to do this where anyone can see me.

I feel like I'm constantly having to stifle what are to me normal sounds and actions because I feel like I'm always being watched and judged and if I screw up people will laugh at me or think of me as trash.

Many of us went through that, and had to create a set of categories.
This behavior is only private vs this behavior can be public
It's hard, but you'll do it.

I usually can avoid anything obviously weird most of the time... but every once in a while I'll screw up. People just don't get how frustrating this can be or how much hell it can put someone through to have to learn this by trial and error. All they can do most of the time is judge harshly and/or think it's funny. I feel like the majority of the time I can pass for normal now but that only came through hard bitter experience.

Thanks for your reply. It helps to know I'm not the only one.

This is exactly like me in every way, I couldn't describe it better!!

I'm glad I'm not the only one even though I'm sorry that other people like you have struggled with this. I don't know if that sentence makes sense or not.

Anyway, this kind of struggle has made me feel very bad about myself in the past because after you make a mistake like this people don't automatically forget it. They remember stuff like that for a long time, and it makes it difficult to interact with those people from that point on. Then if you make another mistake they really start to hate/judge.

I've been laughed at for a lot of things, but other things have taken me a lot longer to figure out because no one laughed out loud and I only found out I was doing something weird when I overheard someone talking about it much later. BTW I grunt too, but people have just learned that I do and it's not that weird anymore. I think.

Thanks everyone for the replies.

I agree one of the worst things is when they don't openly laugh. At least when they laugh, you get some kind of feedback that tells you to control a certain action/sound, etc. However if they just badmouth you behind your back you can go on doing the thing without realizing it.

Just be yourself unless you're either trying to date someone, or trying to get a job. In which case, no one is themselves. Generally speaking, you don't need to impress anyone.

Yeah, I understand that, but I mean, I really hate sounds and any noise so I never liked it when anyone (near me) made random noises, especially ones I couldn't predict. So, I wouldn't like it, but I have tourettes... and I definitely understand having to contain and/or control yourself. I was at a point when I was younger when I didn't move or really talk at all because every thing i did was to control myself in some way. And then when I was at home I would twitch and spasm and stimm for hours if it was really bad almost non-stop, and I isolated because of it. The few times I was around others... it felt devastating. However, I coped and what not as I got older. It gets better!
I learned what was acceptable trial and error, but also my parents were hell-bent on me being normal so that helped too, they would call me stupid and tell me I wasn't trying hard enough because I didn't get it, but begrudgingly and eventually caved in and explicitely taught me the 1+1=2 of social stuff.
"Don't toe-walk it looks bizarre"
"No one wants to hear you talk about things you like talk about this instead."
"make eye-contact always look people in the eye"
"always make you hair look presentable people look at those sorts of things"
"people are always judging you care about how you look."

They didn't go far beyond the basics and I was kind of just left to drown for the rest of it.
I did learn, but it takes time! In my case I'm still learning everyday. One day it will come.

woah- I understand about the job (which sucks) but dating? That's the one time you want to let your freak flag fly so to speak, show people who you are or else the lie of a relationship that you fall into is worse than the loneliness (in my opinion).

be yourself, everybody else is taken.

being yourself without apologizing is the best way to meet people who aren't as*holes about your quirks.
really hard to do though.

Some of that stuff they said to you sounds really mean, especially calling you stupid, when that's not what the problem was at all.

I think a big part of the problem is with society demonizing behavior that is not harmful to society or to the person themselves. The neurotypicals make things a problem that should not be a problem. Like toe walking for example. How does that hurt other people if you don't walk like a "normal" person? Women do it all the time when they wear super high heels but that's supposed to be "normal" somehow.

One time when I was little I heard the phrase "dance to the beat of your own drummer" and I thought that sounded cool so I would dance around sometimes when there was no music, imagining music, and people would look at me like I was scary or dangerous. It's just dancing... there was no need for alarm or fear, but most people seem to have very bad reactions to anything like that. I don't think such innocent or non-harmful things should cause so many problems socially but they do.

I'm not interested in dating but I am interested in getting a better paying job later. Sometimes I think I'm doing ok and then I run up against a scenario that I haven't had trial and error experience in yet and it causes me problems.