How much do you need to control everything?

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The need of routines and structure is often related to autism, I don't know if it's only a frequent trait or it's even condition-defining.

It's always happened to me, and, as everything, goes much worse when I'm anxious. I don't have strict routines, I don't plan everything either. But I can't stand the uncertainty, not knowing what's going to happen (what I can't control), specially what other people is going to do. My over reaction when there's a change in the plans, or my need of asking very often what the other person is going to do, it's something that other people find difficult to understand. There's many many other situations and examples where I notice this.

Do you have an excessive need to have everything tied up, and to know exactly what's going to happen?
Please specify whether you have OCD in addition or not.

I have always needed to be in control. As a small child I would get very upset if things didn't go the way I wanted it and would get upset if a kid didn't play the way I wanted to play and kids referred to me as being bossy. I get real anxious when I don't know what is going to happen or what to expect and I prefer to not do anything if I feel I am not in control. I don't like unexpected bills or when prices go up because it makes me real anxious and I always had to plan things money wise. I also don't like chaos and when my kids act up or get hyper or when they don't listen so I get really anxious. I realize I need to be in control or I get anxious and start having anxiety. I am also diagnosed with OCD.

Yes, this is something I struggle with very often. I am diagnosed with moderate ASD, but no indication of OCD that I know of. Problems with my executive functioning were identified during my evaluation, which I think may not be a "core" ASD trait, but which I think affects my need for control.

Some features I have identified, in no particular order...

- I find it very difficult to begin a task or activity unless I know exactly what will be involved beforehand (and I mean exactly!) The slightest ambiguity or doubt leads to a great deal of procrastination. I also find it hard to begin a task if the purpose of it is not clear.

- Obsessive route planning when going somewhere new. I often arrive ridiculously early due to anxiety that I might get the wrong place (which is very rare as I have a good sense of direction and map reading ability).

- Scripting. Before socialising or making a phone call, I feel the need to try and have a script prepared in my head for every eventuality (always missing the one that actually happens, of course!) I can spend hours doing this for even the briefest of social contact.

- Decision avoidance. For example, I will always buy the same groceries and other products from stores, eat a somewhat limited diet, and regularly wear a small proportion of the clothes I own. The predictability helps me to feel that I won't make a spontaneous decision that I'll regret later.

- Inflexibility. For example, if a grocery item I intended to buy is out of stock, my shopping trip grinds to a halt, as I find it very hard to think of an alternative once my mind is fixated upon what I originally wanted.

I dont need to CONTROL everything, but i do need to have a grasp on whats going on pretty much all the time. I really need to know Who, What, When, Where, and Why all the time

For things I CAN control, I love being organized and analytical and methodical about it.

With things I can't control, I have to work really hard to not get stressed and anxious. The world outside my mind feels like an unpredictable, nerve-wracking, chaotic place, and... I guess I just avoid it as much as possible.

Control of self without acting against my will is enough for me.

In other words, the environment won't cripple me in any way, with or without any control.
Hence no need for scripting or consciously coping in a middle of chaos or a need of routines and predictability. I'll take it and live through the consequences, then I'll learn and will do better.


And it works for me.

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one reason i'm a hermit is because it is easier for me to deal with a relatively limited set of variables as compared to being out with people.

I needed too alot as a kid & teen but I don't need to as much nowadays because my anxiety & OCD are well treated by meds.

Oh I see, the good thing is that I don't feel so bad for this after reading other people who experiences the same. Thank you all for your stories, all of them sound familiar to me.

Still expecting somebody to come by and write "I have AS and I'm all fine with uncertainty, I love surprises and sudden changes of my plans".

I think I've become more flexible since I'm a teen: I recognize that everything had to be my way (probably as a child I don't remember so much fear to uncertainty, cause I always did the same things and was with the same people). Also until a couple of years ago, I was a bit obsessive with the order of certain things, for instance of my books. I felt a great satisfaction when I was able to find a book in a few seconds cause it had a specific place. Later, my books had to move and the shelf changed, so now they will never be tidy again as they were. It gives me the feeling that they are not my books any more.
I like finding the things as they always were, going to town and find the same stores and the same workers in them.

And in the other hand, I love travelling, I still don't know why. I love visiting new places alone with my back pack, using public transport and sleeping in hostels. I am even quite sociable then. I guess that it's easier when you know that you are not going to see those people again. I do plan very well my routes, but I don't mind going somewhere where everything is new. Anyway, here things are not predictable either, and the problem is that I expect them to be.

I don't like anybody else to control what I do....whatsoever.

Whenever somebody makes the attempt, trouble tends to ensue.

That's the core conflict with my wife.

I have routines I like to follow. She tries to get me into HER routines.

We fight as a result.

Methods of control in my mind extend based on one simple idea.

"You cant control anything but yourself. Anything outside your environment is beyond your own medium of control. But you can control yourself, or you can control what environment you are in."

Beyond that, yes I have to have total control over myself and what little part I play in the environment.