I figured out what NT's mean by "smiling"

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Besides slightly squinting along with the lips smiling to mimic what NTs are saying...

try raising your eyebrows and slightly widening your eyes.

This is the FAR easier expression to fake, imo.

It's the face that tend to NTs make automatically when interacting with babies (for reference, so you can observe).
It's also one of the few universal human body language expressions...
not to mention it's used by several species of primate.

It has been theorized that it may be pure instinct (because babies do respond to this better than any other face).

The message is, "I am not threatening. I open myself to you. I am vulnerable to you and okay with that, so you can be, too."

JeanES - i just tried to do what you said and i looked pretty weird, like Sheldon Cooper on one episode of "The Big Bang Theory" when he tried to smile.
WAIT - I think i just started to get the hang of it while typing this, it still looks a bit put on though... like most NT's. Hurray I'm normal!


P.S. i kinda miss being special

I can understand this. For me, it's not really so much of a "making sure i'm smiling" thing as much as it is a "make sure I'm not furrowing my brow" or pinching my forehead together. That typically comes off, at least in my experience, as seeming as if one isn't happy or smiling or interested etc.

William

I used to smile 24/7 because I was told to smile before I realised this was what they meant!
I've given up on trying to look happy, because it just doesn't work for me.

I also suspect that this issue has a gender dimension. Is it the case that "female" people get asked to smile more than "male" people? The OP and first responses were labeled F so maybe; and it fits with my sense of how gender expectations play out . As someone with typically male presentation, I don't get asked to smile much, but people think I'm mad at them or violent if I'm thinking too hard.

I totally agree that NTs use this expression, and I think it can work well. BUT....kind of a tangent, but when I realized that the raised eyebrows and slightly widened eyes were a way of saying, "I'm not threatening, I am vulnerable", etc. it totally put me off. I think this is more dominant now in modern culture than in the past - everyone (NT) seems so obsessed with coming off as harmless and vulnerable in order to portray that they are "nice", to me it's pathetic - like a dog rolling over to show it's not dominant. I'm not arguing with you at all - this is a very effective thing to do. And most people are doing it. But....I just hate it in principle, lol!

LOL!! ! But I picked up on this because I actually didn't want to seem "scary" to people! I had people tell me that I creeped them out and I was just scary looking. (amazing to me what a straight face can do!).
Idk, once I learned that it meant those things to people I realized that I could use them to my advantage, and as a way to communicate.
And sometimes I do want to communicate exactly that- I'm not gonna harm you! I have no ill intentions.
And then sometimes I want to say: "I don't give a f**k about you so leave me the hell alone!!" So, I drop the facial facade works well.
Sometimes, the level of my lack of understanding (and still managing somehow - very poorly?) amazes me. Like- WOW I don't get jack about this or at least didn't, now I'm better at it. Improvement everyday.

I'm pretty sure that people who appear female get told to smile a lot more often. I took a women's studies class in college, and apparently it's a pretty big deal to a lot of people. Like, women get insulted if a random (older) man tells them that they should be smiling. I'm pretty sure it's interpreted as condescending/sexist, like the person who is telling the girl to smile thinks that women should always be smiling. Like in a vintage vacuum advertisement. Which is bizarre. Why would anyone expect that of anyone else? That's ridiculous.

I can't say that it's ever happened to me (that I can remember), but that's probably because I mainly greet people with a big smile (always crinkle your eyes) and make eye contact with their nose. They don't seem to notice.

I had a similar experience to the OP about ten days ago. I was in a home study group with my husband. It was after supper and we were sitting around with the guy with the guitar singing. He was singing songs I didn't know so I was just listening. During dinner the conversation had mostly been about dogs, which I don't like, and I've never had a dog so I had no experience to contribute. So I didn't talk, and I didn't feel engaged in the conversation or happy or interested in a topic I don't care about.

So I sat through a conversation I couldn't participate or pretend to enjoy, then sat listening to songs I don't know. I love to sing but I didn't know the songs. My husband told me to smile. This had the opposite of intended effect, because now in addition to not being part of the conversation and not taking part in the singing I was apparently making people uncomfortable by showing my--disengagement on my face.

So I spent the next ten or fifteen minutes looking at the faces of the others in the room. I don't usually do that, I usually look at the floor while we sing. If I look at the other people at all it's usually at their feet. Sometimes, if the guitarist is singing a song that I know but he syncopates it different from me, I watch his face so I will stay together with him. But this time I kept looking at other faces. I did not see one single fleeting smile. So hubby must have meant that other thing--not to stretch my lips in an obviously plastic grin but to look like I was enjoying myself whether I was or not.

But being told to smile made it harder for me to enjoy the singing even when we switched to music I knew.

It means engaged and attentive and present like you would probably look when you are totally into your special interest. For me the blank "aspie stare" tends to come when I am low on energy and my body is trying to preserve energy by starting to shut down. This would happen in some of my classes too because I was actually pretty drained. In the classes that were more along the lines of my special interests, I was really engaged in them and it would show in my face. I had much more energy in them because the subject interest was energizing to me. Or if I had a teacher that I really clicked with I would be engaged in that class. It's not a conscious thing, you can't force it or "make it happen." If you try than the effort will just drain you more and it won't work.

It is likely that in this particular class, the subject matter or time of day or other things going on the class that you or the teacher might not be aware of, like some sensory things, are zapping your energy and your brain is doing a semi shut down so that you can channel your energy into focusing on the lesson. The teacher, herself, might be overwhelming to you in a sensory way if her voice or movements are too much for you to process. I know a lot of people will overwhelm me to the point of meltdown because of their types of personalities. Sometimes my brain has to shut down just to be in the same room with them.

If this is the case, I would tell the teacher. It is more important that your brain and body do what they need to do for you to absorb the lesson than for you to look or appear a certain way.

I always knew that was what they meant - even though when they say ''smile'' they want you to actually smile that moment.

It's annoying when people tell me to smile. I feel like it's very intrusive. I hate when people say ''cheer up!'' I get tired a lot (maybe because I take antidepressant tablets), and so I tend to go into a trance when I'm tired, plus I have a lot of things on my mind lately, so my face tends to look rather sad.

It's worse when strangers in the street yell out ''cheer up!'' to me. Well, that doesn't happen that often at all, but it happened once before and it embarrassed me. I mean, how can a total stranger tell you to ''cheer up'' when he doesn't know what is going on in your life? What if I had just been to the doctor and been diagnosed with cancer? Or what if I just lost my job that day? He doesn't know. What gives people the right to think they can do that?

I bet if an Aspie did that to an NT, it'd be a different story. The Aspie would be ''lacking empathy'' and ''being rude'' and scolded for doing something so ''thoughtless and socially inappropriate''. Not fair.

I can relate to everything you just said and I agree.

Won't get that from strangers in NYC.

It has improved since I got here though. In 89 there was actually a series of jokes about it here at that time: No matter how it was phrased, the answer was always, "f**k off!" They were gleefully told to me by New Yorkers when I arrived.

NYC isn't like that anymore. It becaem quite the civilized version of itself in the 90s and early 2000s. Been sliding back though for the last few years.

But honestly, when I did need help back then, almost every New Yorker stopped, helped and even told me to walk with them or get off the train with them because they were going there anyway.

The majority of New Yorkers are fantastic people. They just don't always like to show it. Tough on the outside and wonderfully soft and giving on the inside.

Yeah, I get it. You see so many people, just run into so many people, they just tend to get inured to it. And, they seem brusque because of the 'hurry factor' that exists here.

A couple days ago the receptionist at work told a woman who was checking her child in for Dr. appointment said to her, "smile, it's a beautiful sunny day."

The woman's reply was: my mother's in the hospital.

You never know what's going on in a person's life so telling them to smile when you don't know what they're going through seems pretty inconsiderate.

And we ASD people are supposed to be the ones who don't care about others' feelings.