Is this weird?

Post Reply New Topic

That's the problem. The way I saw things are the things that caused me to implode. When I say I have had spectacular failures along with the everyday failures, you can believe it.

So, I have to learn a new way. Find where I am actually perceptive and just blind. So much blindness that I just now begin to see. Before, just vague notions and blaming he world for my problems.

The one thing I could trust was my memory. It was not flawless as it doesn't present everything and many times, not on command. But it is clear. I now have to review it all to find the flaws and re-evaluate.

It's a part of my coping mechanisms that has been blown up. A huge part. It's where I store the data files that I sort in my if/else statements of social interactions.

It's paralyzing. That's why what I found struck me the way it did. Just one more piece I can now present to people. I've been doing that. Finding concrete examples that I can show to illustrate what I am talking about.

But, the looping is killing me. I am trying to do anything but that. Just need a break. It's like my mind has gone into overdrive trying to process all this new information.

The fan is dying, the core is overclocked, the bus is bottle-necking everything and bollixing up the I/O channels badly.

I think I'd have been better off knowing. It could have made it possible for me to accomplish my goals. But considering my environment growing up, I'd probably still have problems.

I actually don't feel weird about it anymore, I'm just aware of what is causing my problems. I always knew that there was something wrong with me, and that I was different. So now I know why.

It really hasn't made anything better yet, just more confusing. I'm still miserable.

I never thought of that Weird Al song in that way. I don't think I have meltdowns like that.

I understand, I want you to know this, I understand all too well.

I have always known I am autistic and have been around autistic kids in school my whole life.
So I have never had to deal with not knowing what is wrong with me or had to deal with being so different from my peers and fitting in. But at the same time I have never had to face real world problems and learn to overcome them. The old "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" thing. I think in a lot of ways my life has been way too sheltered.

I had a good laugh at the idea of the lyrics of that song tying in with experiencing a meltdown. Good one

I'm glad you found humour? I was being serious. It does, in a way, describe what I feel during meltdown.

As for being too sheltered, I could not say. I have found your words and thoughts here very, very well put and well thought out.

And, you're only 15. You have a lot going for you.

He wasn't joking.

I took the time to put in the words that my mind was putting in:
Rewrite:
What is this life all about?
Can't figure any lyrics out <--------My language skills go out the window at the beginning
How do the words to it go?
I wish you'd tell me, I don't know <----------- at this point, I need someone to tell me things and not just 'calm down'
Don't know, don't know, don't know, oh no
Don't know, don't know, don't know...

Now I'm mumblin' and I'm screamin' <----------yeah, I've gone there and it scares me, deeply
And I don't know what you're thinkin' <---------I NEVER know what you're thinking, stop trying to make me read your mind, especially now
You Cranked the volume, ears are bleedin' <--- senses go on the fritz and it all just makes my head hurt and burn
I still don't know what you're thinkin' <--------I've told you a million times, stop trying to make me into a magician
All so loud and incoherent
Lost all social requirements <-------yeah, this bugged my parents, as in the song, but also everybody in my life
Yeah

It's unintel-ligible <-----yeah, I can't make sense either, and, I won't until you help me calm down
I just can't get it through my skull <-----it's all trapped in a swirl of hell in my head and it can't come out
It's hard when ga mahbuls go xhlouth <--------This is when I go completely off the mark
Now all those marbles in my mouth <-----it's like all the marbles in my head just break free and come out as unintelligent remarks in chunks.
Don't know, don't know, don't know, oh no
Don't know, don't know, don't know...

I don't take offense as it being humourous to another individual. I don;t know if it struck a chord because it is funny, or if it just is not making sense.

How you doing? Getting the hang of it yet?

Nope...LOL Still trying to get to a point where I get personal feedback from people who are actually dealing with me in person. Until I can get a bit of grounding, I'm kinda lost a bit. Not sure how much is just 'tolerated' because I'm in such strange line of work...ie, not corporate, artsy. Not sure how much is keeping me back as a result of it. Recognizing things in hindsight without a way to do things on the fly is very distressing.

I just wish things would get moving. It's frustrating.

Sorry, but I have only met you on here, so I cannot give you feedback on a personal level.

Just be strong and take it one step at a time.

Oh, I know that. But, when you find out your verbal and non-verbal cues are mismatched, I do need that visual feedback. It's those type of things.

And, the subtle things that are probably missing too. It just sort of puts things into a different perspective. And, I'm trying to reach people with concepts I can't explain, so anything, and I mean anything that illustrates, or even comes close as an example is all I can work with.

It's a big problem. I just can't describe things unless I see it, hear it or find it.

Oh I understand what you are going through, I have trouble describing something too unless I can physically show it to the person I am describing it too.

It works in reverse to me as well. The first thing I learned to ask a student was...can you show me? A picture, a sketch? Something? Not a dissertation. LOL

A picture is worth a thousand words to me...literally.

Oh I thought you were going for humor. It does describe in a way what meltdown is like for me too. Sometimes it helps to joke about stuff. To "laugh adversity in the face". Even though of course it really is no laughing matter.



Words are good. Practical experience can come in handy though. Thanks.

I know your posts Ezra. I knew you meant no harm. And, I can see how it could be mistaken. More importantly though, I know your words and you're always thoughtful.

That's how it is for me too! It's much easier to see something than it is to listen to someone describe it. You are not alone.