Why does giving excuses anger people?

Post Reply New Topic

Thanks for clarifying, Incendax. Getting to the reasons behind the info dump seems to be a key concern for bosses. I can also see how the team player's need to be understood might not be top of the list for the leader. Quick answers are important. I suppose it isn't until later, when the leader has to make a judgment about someone, that all of those reasons and intentions truly come into play.

Past a certain threshold people just want the source of their displeasure to go away. By continuing to speak about the problem you breath life into it, thus irritating your parents. At that moment they aren't concerned with what you have to say on the matter. Trust me, at that moment, they really don't care whether you were right or wrong.

To visualize it, imagine your parents were just mugged and they were both stabbed (non fatal) during the incident. You trying to explain is a bit like stabbing them and twisting the knife while saying, "No you got it wrong, this is how he twisted the knife. Now you see how the situation really played out." when all they want to do is rest and go to the hospital.

Your parents are exhausted and need a break. (well, that's a small part of it anyway)

quick answers are not the real issue many times because as soon as something gets left out, then you get slammed for being 'incomplete' in the response.

Look, it's a balancing act. On all parties. The NT who does not understand the nature of the individual (we are all different in profound ways on the spectrum), nor wants to understand.

I have been clipped by bosses for both situations. Sometimes both at the same time.
Me: "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,"
Boss: "Keep it simple."
Me: "Ok..Blah, blah, blah."

Later:

Boss: "Why didn't you tell me this?"
Me: "You told me to keep it simple."
Boss: "Not that simple."
Me: "It's all interrelated and I tried to tell you."
Boss: "Oh, so now you're blaming me?"

So, yeah, it is a mess. But, to blame the Autistic person or something they are probably working on or just not capable of doing or controlling is not understanding the individual. Tell the Tourette's sufferer to not speak foul words or bark at the odd times in a business meeting.

There is a difference between excuse and reason. And, most NTs do not realize that there is a subset of us that are very, very planned out and do nothing without reason. So, when you ask us why we did something, we can actually tell you why we did it. It may not be the correct action, but it is why we did it.

And, quite frankly, most of us are not looking to excuse our actions. You ask, we tell.

Some will make excuses. Most Aspies will not.

In my experience with DV I have found it is NOT that very often. Actually I was the one who was more a Pr**k about accountability. Usually the person who says that is someone guilty of shirking responsibility on a frequency of often.

It was about apologies. People who outright attack you for "x" are the ones most likely to blow up about "making excuses" if a plausible REASON is given. I did not volunteer reasons in most occasions

*** continued later. I have to take mom to dialysis today

I spent some time thinking about how I was going to reply to this post, and I decided to do something a little unorthodox. I'm going to include both pros and cons. The pro section will hopefully be somewhat inspiring, while the con section will be more from a business perspective. I do not know if this will achieve the right balance, but I hope it will be useful to you and other posters.

Pro: The good news is that I know several people on the spectrum who have had some success developing coping mechanism, such as making sure their answers include certain pieces of information (A: Assurance that you will take care of the task. B: Estimated time of completion), or setting a timeframe and making a strong effort to stick to it (this varies, but I've seen 20 seconds for short answers and no more than 2 minutes for longer answers before). Of course, this is going to vary depending on the kind of work you do, and the relationship you have with your employer in the first place.

Con: An employer will certainly make a reasonable effort to accommodate you, and listening to your info dumps can be included as an accommodation (seriously). However, your chance of promotion is going to be considerably lower if you cannot develop methods to control your info dumping and work towards developing some of the coping methods mentioned above (or your own).
Pro: Many bosses or human resource personnel are willing and able to help in a variety of ways. The important thing to remember is that most managers have little or no experience dealing with people on the spectrum, so you will need to explain to them what they can do to assist you. For example, you could say "I'm having some trouble asking people about X. Could we go over some good ways I can say X to our customers? I'll even take notes!"

Con: It's important to seem positive, and eager to learn. Managers and co-workers are going to demonstrate a lot more patience and understanding if you stay positive (even if you are lying). It is also important to "try" whatever course of action that your manager or co-worker suggests (as long as it is not obviously detrimental), and not argue with them. Once you have 'tried' their method, you can approach them again and explain the complications you had with their approach and ask for additional guidance.

Yes, this does mean you might end up jumping through figurative hoops longer than a frank and honest discussion, but you will succeed more often than not with this approach.

My pleasure. Every office or warehouse is going to have slightly different politics, which can make things difficult to figure out. The figurative sweet spot for a boss lies somewhere in the middle between 'being efficient with our time' and 'making our employees feel valuable'.

I've been there. Maybe this alternate approach:
Boss: "Why didn't you tell me this?"

Me: "I was confused. I thought you wanted a simpler answer."

Boss: "Not that simple."

Me: (contritely) "I'm sorry. It's all interrelated, and I didn't know how to tell you and still keep it simple."

This way, the focus is on my inability to do what they wanted, rather than on their instructions. It's harder for them to get defensive this way.

The trick is, through all this contriteness, to view communication as a two-way street, despite the fact that you had trouble sharing exactly what they wanted.

OK...looking at the two responses above:

1.) I will agree on all points that it takes both parties working together. For instance, I finally understand why I do it and am working on the problem.

2.) Letting people know can be dicey. It is a hidden disability if you live in the uncanny valley and causes great deals of confusion for both parties. But, HR is where to begin. Not the boss, not the co-workers. HR can help detail a plan of action.

3.) Yeah, it's a b***h on both parts. But, again, now that I understand things, it is just a matter of corrective measures to the best of my ability.

It is a self-measuring response that I know I have to be trained to do. How to edit any and all responses.

As for excuses: I'm the guy that will always tell you when I screw up. And, usually with great contriteness because I just always tell what happened, whether it puts me in a bad light or not.

Which then leaves you open to being manipulated, which has happened to me before. And, you don't see that coming until too late.