Does this person have AS?

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Hi,

I am new to the board. I went through a rough 6 months trying to figure out a girl I have been dating. Now that things have ended - quite abruptly, I do want to know whether I have been dating someone who is different from the average Joe out there. I do note though, I never thought or treated her like someone on the spectrum. I just thought she was an extreme introvert and read articles to tackle with introverted people.

A little background info is that she's introverted, conservative and traditional (Asian).


Other people's opinion of her: self centered, cold, lots of pride, isolated, weird.

My observations of her after 4 months of seeing each other:
- Doesn't talk (mechanical or very short answers)
- She appears to have limited facial emotions although I thought that was just part of her manners to not reveal too much
- Not much body language
- Others have commented she doesn't dress her age or dresses weirdly. She's 31 and puts on a Mickey Mouse hoodie, hot pants and leggings when it's still snowing outside (I dont know much about female fashion and thought it was cute at the time)
- Gets very uptight when talking about her past relations (I know she's never had a steady relationship before, and she's been dating different people for a few years now, but I wanted this info to come directly from her)
- Can talk only when I hit particular topics, or if she's in a certain environment (e.g. NBA playoff game) or sees a certain object - then she would ask a lot of questions and become active
- Poor sense of humor, I try to crack jokes but she'd be like...'what's so funny about that? It's stupid'
- Curls her hair and sniffs it fairly often
- Seems very rigid - insists on walking on pavement to go to my car instead of walking on the grass, must schedule dates 1-3 days in advanced
- Extremely protective of herself - thinks biking is too dangerous, will not jay walk on a small 2 lane road with traffic that are 10-15 seconds away from us; one time there was a dog that came out of the water and wanted to play with her, she got scared and hid behind me. She then told me she doesnt dislike dogs but she was afraid to get her dress wet. She looked really nervous and made sounds that indicated fear as the dog tried to get near her while I blocked it. (Maybe she needs a controlled environment?)
- Does not have a lot of friends, maybe 3-4 she hangs out with often but they're all from workplace (one of which is very close)
- Likes solitary activities - swimming, running, painting, movies, reading (fantasy/psychology books), traveling (solo or with that one close friend from her workplace), and at most, card games.
- Somehow when I touched her lightly on the shoulders with both hands from behind to steer her in the right direction while walking to a basketball game, she told me not to push her (I didnt have force)...but she would at the same time let me read her palms
- Likes to eat the same type of food - sushi, wings and burgers
- Eats slow but eats a lot...she's skinny but yet eats WAY more than another guy I know who has a huge appetite
- Queries about my job to a point it gets so technical I don't know what's the point in her knowing more
- Extremely smart, or at least, book smart (lots of designations, one of which I have)
- Must text. Refuses to use or pick up phone. Even if it means Moon is crashing into Earth
- Is drained of energy after a day out (no matter if it's dating or work) and usually have to stay home the next day
- I think she's also a little...suspicious of others. After 4 months of getting to know me she still tells me she is not very clear about my background and personality
- Some weird observations: 1. Obvious strands of white hair was showing and she didn't bother with it; 2. when I showed up to her place unannounced to check up on her, she came out with really dirty glasses; 3. One time I saw 2-3 strands of very obvious leg hairs on her legs...but the rest of her legs were clean.
- Isolated - she would excuse herself from a dinner table full of people to fall asleep or play with her hair/phone; or when people are outside a cottage chatting, she would be the only one inside the cottage until someone drags her out
- Low energy level - must be home by 10pm. One time during a dinner date she literally fell asleep on the couch. It was like 9:45pm only.
- She's 31 but looks as if she's 25. When something excites her she acts like a 15-16 yrs old
- Very unwilling to try new things (although eventually she would try after months of encouragement)
- Takes selfies in environment she likes and was proactive in asking me to take pictures together...and solo pics of me (I didnt respond well as I dont know if I should touch her while taking pics since she's so sensitive and conservative)
- She broke off relations after I threw a fit at her - the trigger was my fault but the underlying reasons was just the lack of communication in general and since I assume she's just like any "NT", I got upset. Initially she apologized but as I cascaded and got emo she then switched and said she cant develop further feelings for me after so many months; and when I asked her whether she it was her wish not to meet again, she paused and replied yes.ALL THIS WAS DONE THROUGH TEXT (while I used voice recording and it contributed to me being edgy since she refuses to talk on the phone - there were so many miscomm. just by texting and I know I don't blow up when I can hear her). But before this all happened....we were scheduled to date on the day before her birthday and spend a little time on her actual bday.

*Her dad, after we cut our relations and when I made a visit to her place, asked me whether I have a lot of friends. Also asked me whether I go to a lot of social gatherings...which I found weird.
*Her mom and dad looks introverted.

What do you all think? I can't really figure out whether she's a schizoid or AS or something else. Schizoids I would think won't bother with trying to meet people on dating websites (she's looking to get into a relationship and to get married - she's quite old for someone of her cultural background and her parents are worried for her).

I'm over it already but it would be nice to have a proper explanation for her behaviours.

Obviously, one cannot diagnose AS on an Internet Board.

I don't really see "autism" or "Aspergers." I see more of an OCD sort of situation. But who knows? It wouldn't hurt to get evaluated if she can afford it, and if she desires it.

You shouldn't have shown up unannounced at somebody's home; that's impolite. She might get a little paranoid, and think you're "checking up on her/stalking" her.

What sort of Asian is she? If she's what people used to call "Oriental," it's "normal" for her to be somewhat reserved; that's the nature of the culture.

The parents of people in that culture are highly protective of their children--even when they are adults.

All in all, she might be a bit quirky--but I don't see autism based upon what you wrote.

shes Chinese

Very traditional and conservative

Dad wouldnt let her go on dates until she was done with her Masters. Came over to N. America at 16 yrs of age.

That would account for many of her "quirks," I believe.

When you marry a Chinese person, you marry the family, too.

I just see her as being somewhat of an uptight person--but I don't sense autism.

I'm actually a very traditional and conservative Chinese as well.

I understand the quirks that were mentioned - infact, while she's been actively dating different people for 5 years I haven't dated anyone in 10.

But that's why I think she might have something beyond introversion. I did ask my introverted female friends (also Chinese) as well and they can only agree its beyond that.

What got me to think whether she's got a PD is because her lack of social circle, doesn't talk at all (she keeps telling people she talks if she's more familiar with the audience) and that everyone thinks she's isolated and weird. Not to mention the fact her dad asking me about my friends and degree of social networking was 'weird'. Traditional parents do not ask that.

I will give it to her she's got a Toastmaster's certificate in the past. Maybe it's selective mutism and social/general anxiety disorder? I actually don't know. It's been hard to find what exactly went wrong.

You're right...a traditional Chinese father probably wouldn't pry like they seem to be prying. And they probably wouldn't ask you; they might investigate themselves, or ask family members who are around her age. I'm wondering if the parents she's promiscuous, based upon the fact that she's "dated five people or more." They seem troubled by her unconventionality.

Some people are just weird LOL. It doesn't mean it's autism.

You never know---maybe she could have autism/Asperger's.

Does she seem to really get upset if there's lots of noise around? Autistic people sometimes go into meltdown/shutdown mode if there's lots of extraneous noise around--noise which other people would just ignore.

Is she able to transition from one activity to another without being frustrated?

I still see OCD tendencies more than autistic tendencies.

Not every autistic person has sensory issues--but most do.

Most autistic people have difficulty transitioning from one activity to another. The response ranges from mild irritation to full-throttle meltdowns.

You should read up on BAP (Broad Autism Phenotype). Maybe she could be in that category.

Maybe she just doesn't like to socialize all the time. Maybe the expectations of socialization exhaust her--like it does many non-autistic people.

By the way, I'm sorry you folks broke up. I know it's painful. I've been through that scene.

Thanks Kraftie.

Haha we cant break up if we were never together.

I cant seem to find info on BAP. I did do a questionnaire based on what i know of her (questions im uncertain about i give benefit of the doubt responses) and she scored high on eccentric and rigid, says it could be BAP or autism.

My mom actually told me, from her experience with some relatives, this girls got mental issues. She also said if she didnt force me to go out to meet people when i was young (like 6 or so...another story) I might have ended up like her. I took like 20 years to develop an outgoing personality although in reality I am very indifferent btn seeing people or doing things myself. Infact, I literally went solitary for 4 years even when I had the choice to socialize.

There are times where I can relate to her and right from the beginning ive always wanted to 'guide' and encourage her. She moved slow, but without her being honest with whats going on...and given its a taboo in chinese culture to identify oneself as having mental issues, it was impossible to get to understand each other.

I kept asking her to solve problems together but she said it will just end up being me trying to tackle problems myself and get frustrated. Its either she herself doesnt know shes eccentric (as with what people think of her) or she just cant tell people 'i have mental issues' (she did tell me shes weak on social skills when we were talking about each others str and weaknesses in the EQ spectrum)

As said, i strongly believe its beyond introversion as I am one myself and have a few extremely introverted friends too. Its just the combination of traits i have listed which makes me think her issue is beyond the extro introversion spectrum can explain.

Nobody wants to tell somebody that they have mental issues. People having mental issues scares many people--especially these days.

Would you want to tell somebody that you have mental issues? It might turn out better for a woman--but it hardly ever turns out well for all genders.

She really could have a variety of disorders, including possibly autism.

I know you have feelings for her--but maybe this is all for the best. Who knows?

Yes, I understand it's hard to acknowledge oneself with such issues. What you said is true.

Its just unfortunate I am not able to help her and given how she's wrapped in bubble sheets by her parents for the past 2 decades, I dont think it's possible for her to adapt but to live in her own world.

Not to be mean, but to me, this might be a blessing in disguise.

I wish I could have a rough idea what PD she's got. There isn't a place I can find where I can ask

She might be autistic, yeah. Afraid that's all anyone can really say though.

Lol, I don't know about this.. What's that 'weird observation' about hairs?? And hairs on her leg? You are strangly observant. And then you find her 'suspicious of others'. Well that makes sense. Someone like you would really creep me out.

Also wondering how she would like it that you are in no contact with her but telling all this personal stuff about her online and trying to diagnose her. Why?

Sorry, but someone had to say it. This is really weird.