Seeking Advice: 39 year old w/ recently diagnosed Asperger's

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Aspiesister posted that your brother had a credit card attached to your mothers (guessing as an authorised user of her account). As long as your mother kept the account in good standing then that will also be reflected on his personal credit report. If it was a long standing account in good keeping your brother will actually have a very good credit score and with a job would be able to easily qualify for an apartment rental and connecting utilities etc.

I still believe with time your brother will do fine taking care of himself. To be sure it will be difficult in the beginning and mistakes will be made but that is the only way to learn.

I'm glad to hear that. I always assumed that he sort of "piggybacked" along on her credit card - without building any of his own. Since I've never had a co-owned credit card, etc, I wasn't sure of that.

I tend to agree with you about how to handle him. Unfortunately, if I interceded out of what I perceive to be "good intentions", it would end up being dumped on to me. I doubt that it would be seen as temporary assistance. It's just difficult, because I want to make sure it's done right, and fear there would be dire consequences if it wasn't. But, I'm pretty sure that's how my parents got trapped into the situation and I won't do the same thing.

I've gone through most of the posts in this topic and I'll try and give some input.

What part of California are you in. I am in the Orange County area and I have been working in the special ed field for 8 years. I was also recently diagnosed with AS (even though I suspected it for several years.)

It may be possible to obtain services through RCOC.

There are several support groups in the area and it may help you obtain more resources. Yea, I know, asking an aspie to go to a support group is like giving a cat a bath.

Forums like this are a great way to get connected with others worldwide.

There are several books out that can provide you with more information about AS.

You took the words right out of my mouth.

Have you considered helping him subscribe to an apartment ?
I am not sure how long the waiting list to get housing is there.
But over here it's at the verry least a year but usually A LOT longer.
So if you don't help him arrange this than he wil be out on the streets.
Oh and don't bother getting all defencive.
People here get treated too much like theyr handicapped or something, so they get stepped on theyr toes too easily.
The personal freedom and dignity is obviously a big issue for us, as much as it would be for you.

Oh yes and keep trying to motivate him to start getting more mature.
But don't push him or threaten him too much with visions of doom that might happen if he doesn't do this or that.

And one more thing.
Don't go to a schrink, nothing good would ever come of this.
They pretend to know all, yet theyr judgement is usually way off.

If someone went into my room and took pictures of it and posted it on the internet, let alone threw my stuff out I wouldn't be at liberty of what I might do.

If he is not able to support himself, he would be eligible for an allowance and services. The problem is not you compassion, you problem is your judgement. Don't be a hero. Doesn't mean you don't have a role to play. Have you considered that while your crashing around all bells and whistles that you might be stamping over part of his identity? I think you need to take a step back and try and get as much information as you can. You don't actually have legal guardianship over him he is higher functioning. I'm not really sure what this thread is for, personal affirmation? Are you interested in getting some answers? You should try taking some advice, contact the main autistic society in you country. He may not be aware of what's available. He has just been diagnosed it is early days.


Yes it is called autism


I resent that comment. I didn't have friends until 24. I wasn't interested before 20. If he doesn't want friends, he doesn't have to have them


Not having a credit card is actually quite sensible in many ways. You are not going to get in the red. You are less likely to get you money stolen/ fraudulent charges. We've gone credit mad nowadays. Credit lubricates business. For consumers they often go way overboard. People think they can live beyond their means. Did he ever have a student loan? That should give him a credit rating.



You can help him up to a point. I would have thought all the siblings would have a hand in their father's funeral. Actually he may move out sooner, just try and be considerate. Find out from the autistic society what housing/accommodation options are available if any.



I was going to say he may also be depressed. Depression is an illness in itself. It causes the lack of motivation and self loathing that could compound his problems. Plus often the frustrations of not being able to relate may or may not trigger depression. You should just be supportive. It is something he has to tackle himself ultimately. That's just the way it is. Depression causes far more tragedies than autism. I recon this is priority number 1. He needs to look into treatments and medications with his doctor.


Yep but as far as I'm concerned it is less to do with legal and more to do with understanding that personal space can be very important to aspies.


My friends have social anxiety/depression. I encouraged them gently. I noticed it in myself, I only got better when I stopped trying to get better faster. Often forcing people can have the opposite effect. Your own anxieties might make him worse. I literally say when ever your ready, whether it is a year or a week when the person are definitely sure then don't delay. The critical thing is being sure. If you have any doubts you need to forget about it for the time being. Some therapists, practically cbt, which is at the cutting edge, won't take patents until they are ready. So I would recommend something like psychodynamic for the time being.


You are catastrophizing. Do you have general anxiety? It can be harsh to say this but you need to help him with a cooler, calmer approach otherwise it could rub off on him. I know it does on me. If you think you have anxiety I would recommend you getting treatment for that as well. That could really help.

It is one of the reasons why I often don't mention my decisions to my family. They have a tendency to see the worst. That included not telling them about an operation I had on my head. I wrote a note to them on the day I checked in. It may sound callous to you but it is actually both rational and companionate. It saved them months of worry, which they cannot help as is their temperament. They would have made me more nervous too. After it was done they got over it pretty quick. Even if something had happened, which was unlikely, there would be nothing practical they could have done anyway.


Hopefully I have. Come on now, to be fair it is all part and parcel. You must learn more about autism first. It will give you a better understanding of what you’re dealing with.

Best of luck.

I don't think the consensus here seems to be that he should be left to his own devices. I didn't say that myself, either. I gave real-life examples of how one might cope.

I am frankly quite puzzled over this entire "credit" business and why it seems to be such a big deal. I've never lived in the US so maybe that's why. But why would someone need credit if they weren't planning on buying something big (like a car or a house)? For daily living you could get a perfectly ordinary bank account, and if he really wants some card most of those already come with debit cards attached or it is possible to get one for a small fee. I've lived in 3 different countries (2 in Western Europe) and I've never used credit for my daily expenses (yes I do my own banking, though I find it rather hard at times). Could someone please explain why credit is so important?

Also, your point in showing the photos was to ask whether other people here were that untidy. More than one person said yes. I think you should take down the photos now because they have fulfilled their purpose, and they are potentially very destructive if he comes upon them. (Let's face it, autistic people find this forum if they are interested in reading about autism online. And if he is not, he should be encouraged to do so.) I still think you could have posted it in the locked forum, as while it might not be illegal (if you own the house I guess it probably isn't) it is still an invasion of privacy. And autistic people are especially private individuals.

Very strong disclaimer:
I do not mean to offend or be hostile.

AspieSister:
1. Your brother-in-law reminds me of myself, although his situation is worse. And you remind me of my sister! although she was able to help me more, living closer to me. She was able to let me move in with her -- which eventually became intolerable to her. (You are right not to consider the possibility of his living with you, unless on a temporary emergency basis.) Your brother-in-law is fortunate to have you around.

2. His house as seen in the pictures looks pretty normal to me! Quite seriously, you need to stop thinking or worrying about his cleaning habits. You say you couldn't stand to think of his living that way, but your clean-up efforts, while extremely generous, likely improved his happiness and well-being by not one whit. His lifestyle is a problem insofar as it makes it more difficult for him to move. And once he moves he will likely find himself constantly on the brink of being evicted for messiness, but he will have to deal with that situation when it happens.

3. Your brother-in-law's main problem right now is his depression, not his AS. I am not a psychiatrist but my situation is similar enough to his to say this with absolute, complete assurance. His having suicidal thoughts proves this. Depression makes it impossible for him to take actions that he needs to take -- it is not a matter of "not wanting to help himself". I know of no way to induce him to seek treatment.

4. Your brother-in-law does not need therapy, in the sense of psychotherapy. He needs anti-depressant medication. Keep this in mind, because he may think of "therapy" as stigmatizing in a way that "taking medication" is not. Until his depression lifts it is as physically impossible for him to do certain things as it would be for you to fly. It has nothing to do with his 'not wanting to put forth the effort'.

5. Keep in contact with him on a regular basis, however you do so (phone, e-mail, or letter) even if he never answers your mail. Even if your current communications have not led to his changing his behaviour, making plans, etc., he may feel abandoned if he does not hear from you and your brother frequently.

AspieBrother:

1. I believe you are focussed on the right thing -- the soon forthcoming housing crisis. He will need to move and to keep as many of his important belongings as he can as he does so. His other aspie habits he will alter as he needs to do in order to cope with life. If his depression allows it he will "rise to the occasion". If he needs food and has money he will buy food, etc. But the housing problem will be a crisis because it may overwhelm him. If it not solved he may end up homeless and/or dead by suicide. His other future coping problems pale by comparison as he can learn to deal with them gradually, at his own pace.

2. Your brother-in-law does not need therapy, in the sense of psychotherapy. He needs anti-depressant medication. Keep this in mind, because he may think of "therapy" as stigmatizing in a way that "taking medication" is not. Does he go a doctor (general practitioner)? A GP can prescribe anti-depressant medication. If you can find out who is doctor is and get him to an appointment you might write the doctor and tell him that your brother-in-law urgently needs treatment for depression and that you expect him to provide it. Get the record of his being on depression in his GP's file, so he can't ignore it when he next treats him.

3. You might prepare a lot of plans for action when you are on the scene on the week or two you say you are willing to out and spend with him when your father dies. IMO -- and this is the most difficult piece of advice -- you should see a lawyer near where he lives at that time and examine any possibilities of (1) arranging your father's estate so that your b-i-l doesn't have to move; (2) being appointed a temporary guardian of his affairs solely for the purpose of seeking a place for him to live and moving him there when the time comes. I mean finding an apartment, signing a lease, and arranging for his belongings to be moved. I understand your not wanting to be trapped into a position where you are his parent and have permanent responsibilities and think you are right (in his best interests as well as yours) but a forced move should be looked on as an emergency, critical situation. To be 100% direct (Aspies are often good at this, as you may be able to tell from some of the blunt comments in this thread) if this seems like too much trouble or involvement or too expensive, you need to ask yourself whether you will feel the same way if your b-i-l is unable to arrange a move and ends up jumping off a bridge.
You needn't feel it necessary to assume any 'guardianship' responsibilties in his everyday life after he has moved.

4. A few minor things you can do right now: search the Internet and find his local mental health association and question them about how to encourage someone to get help for depression, about assuming temporary guardianship etc. You may be able to establish a little relationship with someone there that might be helpful in the future.
Buy the book "Feeling Good" (http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-Ther ... 779&sr=8-1) for him and send it to him. Small chance he might see himself in the descriptions of people with depression and realize he needs depression treatment.
Via the Internet look at assisted housing in his area and determine what diagnosis, evidence etc. he needs to acquire it. That his probably his long-term solution. There may be waiting lists years long and he will need evidence of his inability to manage himself. So keep those pictures

God be with you two and your b-i-l.

Hello again... and thank you for the replies.

Ticker ~ You did not come off as insulting

The reason I am concerned about him sitting all alone inside of a cluttered house is because 1) he doesn't like it, but doesn't know how to stay organized and keep up with everything (this is what he told me) 2) it isn't the clutter than concerns me as much as the filth... the house being infested with ants, insects, spiders, etc. the food rotting inside the refrigerator and over and under his bed.



Apply that statement to someone you love, someone you care about. I have no intention to live his life for him... but he does deserve to have someone who cares about him to help encourage him. He deserves to have someone help him help himself. He deserves to be reminded that he is valuable and loved.

AussieGuy ~ His credit card wasn't co-owned... it was in his mother's name and on her credit she had a card for him -- with his name. He was only an authorized user. So, when she passed away and the card was cut off, he was told he needed to re-apply with his own credit (including social security number, etc) and he did not want to.

Still... he will be able to get the apartment, utilities, etc... it will simply mean (due to his lack of credit, not bad credit) that he has to put down bigger deposits in order to give those companies the "backing" that his lack of credit can't give. It can still be done, yes... and when he realizes that is the only way I'm sure he'll do it... he just doesn't understand these thinsg yet and will need someone to help explain it to him.

Rocketv8 ~

What part of California are you in. I am in the Orange County area and I have been working in the special ed field for 8 years. I was also recently diagnosed with AS (even though I suspected it for several years.)

It may be possible to obtain services through RCOC.

There are several support groups in the area and it may help you obtain more resources. Yea, I know, asking an aspie to go to a support group is like giving a cat a bath.

Forums like this are a great way to get connected with others worldwide.

There are several books out that can provide you with more information about AS.

He is in the greater Los Angeles area; I have contacted a group called Communities Actively Living Independent & Free (CALIF) and will also look into RCOC. I'm not looking to force him into anything... I just want to be able to let him know what his options are, so he doesn't feel quite as overwhelmed and alone while facing these changes.

As for a group... You're right -- less like giving a cat a bath and more like tossing into a vat of acid I can suggest it and let him know it is available... but I doubt he'll be enthusiastic about trying that route ~ For now I'm sharing with him some of the things that have been posted here (so he can read what other people are feeling too... and so he'll know he isn't alone). Maybe he'll get onboard here or on some other type of forum...

I have a book by Tony Attwood in Asperger's Syndrome and it has been very helpful in understanding Asperger's as well as offering ideas about how to live with it and how to approach different learning styles... BIL was interested in reading the book when I first got it... on some levels. He was more interested in the fact that there was a "name" for what he had but soon felt discouraged... like, "Yeah -- so now there is a name, how does that help me?"

Bart21 ~

Thank you Living with AS doesn't make a person different in many ways from someone who doesn't -- in the sense of feelings of loss of privacy, the need for respect and self-autonomy, etc... I do understand this. I know he just needs to be reminded as much as possible that he is capable, that he has no need to fear trying, etc... when he shows resistance to doing something... I just ask him why. I ask him what his fears are regarding whatever it is... and we talk about it. In many cases, this helps him not see things as being potentially catastrophic Unfortunately, his mom was the Queen of possible bad outcomes... to the point of paranoia, so it took 39 years to engrain that type of thought process into him (compunded with having AS). It won't vanish overnight... I know this.

I do want to do just what you said -- help him find an apartment of his own, the waiting list here is generally not long at all -- even if he picks a place that has a waiting list it usually isn't more than a month or two. It is just a matter of getting him to want to do this... so far he thinks he's going to wait until the last minute to deal with it... I don't think he understands that when his father passes away -- he's going to be required to move out pretty quick

O_Equals_True ~ will get back to you in a moment.

DVora ~



Well, in the US -- practically everything you want to buy (if it requires either financing or monthy bills) has to be backed up by a percieved financial reputation (credit). Not having any is not nearly as bad as having *bad* credit.

Ex. Buying a car ~ Good credit will allow me to get the car without putting down a large lump sum of money up front. It will also decrease the loan's percentage rate (fee). If I get a percentage rate of 7% due to good credit, I will end up paying FAR less for the same car than I would if my credit were poor and I got a rate of say 13%. The higher rate could end up resulting in my paying literally thousands of dollars MORE for the exact same car. With no credit -- I would have to put down money up front... depending on how much the car costs, usually a few thousand dollars and I would then get a middle of the road percentage rate -- maybe 10% or so... which of course, is more than the 7% I could have had with good credit.

No credit/Bad credit = things costing a lot more.

For BIL buying a car won't be an issue -- he doesn't drive. But it works the same way with securing an apartment, having power turned on, phone, internet, water, gas, etc. In his case, with no credit -- this will simply mean larger deposits. Where a person with good credit might be able to get all of the above with an output of maybe $1000-$2000 -- for him that amount will be doubled or tripled.

Another thing is that he doesn't drive and doesn't like to leave the house -- he still needs to buy things. How can he do this? Well, he will have to either leave the house to go shopping (which he will only do if it is life/death -- maybe to get food) OR he will have to purchase things online -- which will require either a credit card -- or a bank card tied to his account that works like a credit card but takes money from his bank instead of crediting the amount.

Either way -- he will need something, either a credit card or a check card. he doesn't want to have either due to his concerns regarding identity theft and potential criminal scandals. In the past he has relied on his mother -- then he relied on us.

Ex ~ he needed food for the house. He can't drive, he has no valid credit account so he can't order online. If it were just him suffering the consequence, my husband and I would have told him too bad -- he could either take a cab to the grocery store or walked (it is about 1/2 mile away). But his elderly father lived there and after his mom deid, the father lost 40 pounds and was down to almost 100 pounds -- which is close to starvation. In good conscious -- because dad was there too -- we couldn't just say "tough -- figure it out yourself" -- he knows this and uses it as leverage.

As far as the pictures... I removed the ones of his room.

Toral ~

Thank you for your reply

I agree with you that his depression needs to be treated in some way... that would require visiting a psychologist (at least temporarily) though. I have encouraged him to do so... but he doesn't believe he is clinically depressed... he did go with me to a Phsychiatrist, but declined to continue. The Psychiatrist told him the same thing a lot of you are saying, "You do not need my help." BUT -- he DID tell him that he WOULD benefit from a good Psychologist as long as that Psychologist was well experienced regarding Asperger's. A person like that can not only help treat clinical depression, but can also help him sort out (on his own terms) how to function more comfortably... and can also help him work through the loss of mom, dad, the home, the changes, dealing with people socially, and just offer some guidance and ideas about how to organize portions of his life. Not *all* therapy is bad -- i do agree that sometimes a therapist can be a self-absorbed quack -- but many people will tell you that a good therapist is a blessing and of much help -- even if it is only temporary.

As far as staying in touch... yes, I definately do -- and I don't get offended if he doesn't return a call or email -- I know that he knows I'm thinking of him.

He did try very hard to convince my husband and I to move to California and move in with him into that house -- we declined, which pissed him off -- but for many, many reasons that would be unhealthy for all involved. He needs to learn to live on his own -- either completely or inside of an independent living community -- choice is his, but we're not going to live with him.

I will try explain what I think is happening.

The world can be very colloured, enlightened and happy, but can be black and white, dark and sad.

By an aspie point of view, the NT world is absolutely black and white, the same probably can be said for the aspie world seen by NT point of view.

I think your brother is living that grey world, in which there is no atractive.

You wish to signalise him with NT ways, what sounds not only grey but threatening.

If I lived in such a grey world I would probably not think in a direct suicide, but I would probably let my life flow away, feeling no reason to avoid it, I would let me die.

I think it is how your brother feels.

I think what he need are collours, but not NT collours, we can't feel it, we can feel only aspie collours.

I know it is difficult to you to propiciate him aspie collours, you can't feel it.

If he can see some aspie collours he will be atracted for it, and will like to live again, will see a reason to keep alive.

Two practices may help him:

Never eating far from the kitchen.

Avoid making mess and always keeping thehouse as it was previously.

Organizing his house is very probably a way of propiciating him the aspie collours.

One way of feeling all this is to change the point of view; by the NT point of view aspie world is gray, can you imagine being forced to live at an aspie style? to do things aspie like to do?

I hope these words can be of some help.

Neuromancer... your words are of great help -- and thank you for the suggestions and the reply. I agree completely that we (BIL and I) have different ways of looking at things. I can't apply "what would work for me" to him when trying to help.

I notice that when I ask him why he does some of the things he does (not patronizing him, but during discussions) he tells me often "force of habit". So we talk together about the results of different habits and also talk about how to develop new habits. Habits that might lead to less work for him. Like you mentioned -- eating closer to the kitchen, maybe at the dining room table, would lead to less clean up for him -- he wouldn't be leaving dirty food items in his room, etc.

We talk about dividing up his time... setting aside 15 minutes to "straighten up" different areas... so that it isn't overwhelming, he doesn't have to try to clean the whole house (which would be a lot). He just focuses on maybe one room at a time or even one task at a time. As long as whatever he is doing makes sense to him and has an obvious goal -- he feels better doing it. Especially if there is a certain method or pattern he can follow over and over when doing it.

As far as taking his life or letting it slip away... yes, I also agree with what you said, he has actively been letting parts of himself *die* for many years.

I just worry that at some point -- he might just feel bad enough and/or alone enough to take a drastic measure. I don't know if he says these things and means something else or if he is reaching out for attention or if he really means it literally... it is hard to tell and even harder to ignore.

I almost did not reply to you -- because reading your post felt really negative, judgmental, and shortsighted. But since you took the time to offer some thoughts, I will take the time to offer some back.

I don't know what you mean by the above statement that you have no idea what you'd be at liberty to do -- but it certainly doesn't sound like anything good. When we cleaned the house -- BIL was involved the entire time, nothing of value to him was removed -- he had a say in everything that was discarded, donated, reorganized, or packed up and stored. The pictures we took, he was proud of -- he was really happy about the way the place was actually functionable again -- so much so that for the first time in his entire life he wanted to invite people over. He wanted to have some people from his job come over and have a BBQ. In fact -- he intended to show them the "before" pictures. When I talked to his boss, his boss told me that BIL had been coming to work every day reporting on all new changes and had been really excited about it.

So much for your assupmtion that he feels violated or upset by it. The only thing that was hard for him was that removing the mess was almost like removing his mother. So what we did was take some of the things she loved (but had been long buried) and displayed them in different areas -- we made sure her favorite things stayed and were cleaned and organized and her pictures were placed where people could actually see them, etc. This was something we did together and made him feel a lot better. Usually when asked whether or not he enjoyed something he would answer "Its fine" or "its ok" -- he never said he liked or disliked much opf anything at all. he told us he loved his room and felt "better being in there" and was glad he could finally see the floor, sleep comfortably, and work on his computer with all the things he needed organized around him and easy to access.




I'm not going to argue my compassion vs. judgment with you -- I know that he would feel differently about it than you and truthfully, it is he who matters -- not you. No -- I never considered that I stamped out his identity -- I think I'm ne of the few people in his life who has recognized that he does indeed have his own identity and that he should be encouraged to embrace it.

This thread has nothing to do with any kind "self-affirmation" -- I'm not that masochistic.

As I have stated multiple times (and apparently you have failed to read it) -- this thread was about my asking what the best ways are to help encourage someone with AS -- since I do not have AS and can not assume to know what may be a better approach, I thought -- who better to ask? I think that says more for me than it does about the majority of people you come into contact (and complain about) regularly.

Different people need to be encouraged and conversed with in different ways -- many of the people here have been of GREAT help when it comes to understanding the AS in general and what they are doing to cope with, work with, overcome, etc their challenges. I have received a number of very helpful PMs and some very helpful and thoughtful replies -- I have also been brow beaten, belittle, and insulted by a number of people.



No -- actually it isn't. BIL is not Autistic -- he has Asperger's and as you know, there is a world of difference between the two.



Good for you -- my comment about him not having friends wasn't for you to judge or resent. It was a statement of fact. My point is that without friends, when his father dies, he will be terribly alone in every sense of the word. I was not insulting him for not having friends or even suggesting he run out and make some -- that's for him to do when or if he is ready. My point was that I have no intentions of abandoning him and leaving him completely alone. If you resent that -- fine, thank god he doesn't.



I'm not going to encourage paranoid thoughts about what could happen in every scenario -- to do so is nonsense. No -- he has never had a student loan. he has never had anything in his name -- he has no credit. There are secured cerdit cards that lend to credit ratings yet offer no risk of getting in over your head or living beyond your means. Beofre you insult the need for credit -- learn about it.




Sure -- we'll have a hand in it, but we don't live there, he does. In any other case, the closest relative would get the ball rolling and take care of the preliminary arrangements. That's probably not what we should expect in this case though -- my suggesting we leave it up to him was sarcastic... that is not an option. I have seen what happens when things are left up to him -- he doesn't do it, for whatever the reason. He wouldn't qualify for anything offered to those with Autism -- he isn't Autistic.




Which brings me back to the original post -- how exactly do you encourage/communicate this to someone with AS? He doesn't want to address the issue, he has no desire to visit a therapist for any reason. He knows the option is there -- that's all I can do. If he wants to seek help, he will, I took him to a Psychiatrist and he has the guy's card, I helped him work with his insurance company so he knows where that is too.



You don't know what his level of comfort is regarding privacy or personal space -- that is for him to decide and thus far I have not crossed into territory that he feels uncomfortable with -- this I do know for a fact as he's pretty clear on the topic.



My "anxiety" is not expressed to him. It has been expressed here because I have found that in asking the things I have asked -- many people have made general assumptions about my intentions and have in return (instead of asking for further details or clarification) have jumped down my throat and told me in no uncertain terms how terrible I suck. So -- I've felt a little defensive here. As far as him seeking help via a therapist "in his own time" -- I have mentioned before and will say it again -- that will not happen. It was suggested to him by his mother, his father, his brother, his boss, and myself -- and every time he says he isn't in "any condition to need a therapist". Anyone who knows him would argue that point, but the fact is -- he has no desire.

In many ways he is stubborn and self-centered. he is used to being catered to and has often been rather manipulative in ensuring his life is handled the way he wants it handled -- he isn't stupid and he isn't oblivious. It takes time to earn his trust and before he will take to heart what someone else suggests or offers opinion-wise. SInce I have reached that level with him... I'm not pushing. I ask a lot of questions here (so that I can make an effort to understand AS better) but that is not indicative of how I communicate to him.



No -- I'm not, and no, I don't. As mentioned above -- I communicate with him in a way that is not indicative of what you perceive here. I generally don't get treated by him the way I have been here -- I don't feel defensive or insulted or cornered.




To be 100% honest... most of what you said was of very little help. I think you assumed way too much about the situation and applied your own personal history and emotions to my situation -- you also keep mentioning his Autism -- he isn't Autistic. AS is on the lowest end spectrum of Autism and an Autistic person and someone with AS are entirely different. Not only am I working to educate myself on the matter -- I have come directly to the horses mouth -- I think that says a lot more than you're interested in giving credit for.

AspieSister you are very defensive. You need to learn. Asperger's is a form of higher functioning autism. It is understandable that it is confusing, but please don't tell me what isn't autism.

It is good if what you say about the room is true. For a lot of Apies, like me, it is very difficult to allow people in their space. I'm not sure what the percentage is. If he doesn't care about that, maybe having a cleaner is not such a bad idea. BIL should come on here if he wants, it might help him. Especially knowing other people with similar experiences.

Not serious but as you asked I actually put I would take your furniture and put in on the front lawn and set it on fire I deleted it because I didn’t think it would constructive and could be misconstrued.

I do wish you would take in more of the advice, instead of being hostile if people disagree with you. To be objective you mustn’t just take in what you want to hear. It is very important that you understand you can only help people so far. That is the same for a depressed suicidal person or Asperger's. One thing that definitely doesn't help, from personal experience, is people being negative and panicky no matter how good their intentions are. Sometimes the right thing to do at a particular time is to back off. I'm not saying that is the case now. I would recommend, because it helped me, focusing on baby steps (all parties). You need to suspend projecting too far into the future about what bad things could happen. Believe me people's nerves do affect me. Just because I’m Aspie doesn’t mean it doesn’t affect me, if anything when people are being all frantic it can be very overwhelming regardless who it is directed at. Due respect you were catastrophizing. I have read it in many cbt books written by experts on anxiety and been to a seminar by one of them. You have mapped out his fate, when you have no way of knowing. This is a very human thing and in no way was a personal slur against you. It stood out that's why I mentioned it. Focusing just on the individual steps is good because the big picture is daunting and can cause you to panic. I use the wall analogy. The wall represents the problem. It is very tall you cannot climb over it. If you try to push it over it will not budge it is too strong. It seems almost impossible to get to the other side. But if you chip away at individual bricks to loosen and remove them after a while the wall will become unstable and tumble under its own weight. That is in effect what happens. Focusing on these steps one by one and forgetting the bigger picture is much quicker. 'Time bomb syndrome' means it will take longer if you solve the problem at all. Certainly this is true with me. Also aspies are interested in the detail anyway. They are logical. These skills can be used advantageously in almost anything.

It is slightly funny that you don't think I don't know anything about credit. Regardless, the main point for you was to try to get you away from being negative and try to see some of his 'problems' in a positive light.

Therapy is wide ranging. But his suspicion towards it is pretty normal, especially in guys. There is highly practical sorts such as occupational or cbt that doesn’t involve sitting on a couch talking about your feelings. I think the practical aspect is more what he is after anyway. Asperger’s itself is not a mental illness. If you explain depression in a neurological sense, as in the brain chemistry, that will appeal to logically minded people. He is depressed and grieving. I think this will affect his motivation at the moment. AS don’t always express emotions like NT or have difficultly expressing them.

Things that you could do to help:

1. Start with only one thing that is achievable. Maybe you could ask him what he’d be interested in improving in his life right now.
2. Keep unrelated background information to a minimum as this can be distracting.
3. Lists often better than intensive talk.
4. Be as positive as you can.
5. Give him information and options rather than direction. He will probably need help knowing what he can do this is your role.
6. If he expresses difficulty making up his mind assist him with this especially with more subjective stuff.
7. If he expresses complete lack of understanding or what to do on a particular aspect and information does not help it maybe better having this done for him, at least where it would divert from the objective of the task. He can always go back and work on that aspect at a later date if necessary/feasible.
8. It needs to be his initiative, so facilitate this by allowing him to set his own objectives and aims.