Women...

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Yes, you really nailed it... Matching body language to my words. There is a disconnect there. Suppose I expect them to know how I feel. Told her I loved her everyday, did things for her, and spent much time with her. But she always commented on my attitude. Which was incredibly frustrating because I was very happy.

And, yes, she hated my sensory issues. Radio in the car was a huge deal.

Are you saying I'm stating the obvious

She would get furious when I asked her to lower the volume.

Were you the driver?

If she isn't caring enough, she can't be a good partner anyway. The only way such a relationship could be sustainable would be if she were more empathetic, or at least, aspired to be.

Sometimes I was the driver and sometimes she drove. She insisted on the volume being full blast. But, it doesn't matter. Agree with the previous post. Just need to quit picking women who are wrong for me, I suppose.

Dear Guitarsandcameras, I'm a woman - yes, happily married and with children - but since it's information you're after I think you sound like a great guy, really interesting and definitely a person who THE RIGHT women would find attractive. I think you sound attractive, but then, when I watch films I always find the wrong guy irresistable, i.e. not the one you're meant to go for (I generally find him an obnoxious git). I love sensitive, interesting, different, intellectual, retiring - musical or scientific, whatever, but original and non-conformist. And kind, I really really fall for kindness and openness, i mean people who aren't afraid to be their true selves even if it may not show them in the best light, though I know that's not really fashionable..

I'm borderline NT and my husband is seriously NT, like really sociable and can't understand why I gasp for air when we see too many people. When we were on the train going on our wedding trip, two days after getting married (FAR too many people, about 30, for 3 days - aarrgh), I buried my head in my book and when he tried to talk I told him that I was really sorry but I didn't want to speak to anyone, him included.. oh god! I mean, sorry I had to reassure him that I really do love him, BUT..! Then an older couple got into our carriage, they began to chat to him, and directed a couple of remarks at me (can't they SEE when a girl is reading?!), which I smiled inanely at without answering, before going back to my book - they then asked my husband 'doesn't your wife speak German?', and he answered happily 'oh yes, she speaks fantastic German!'..! !! the poor man, when we arrived at destination I was ready to murder him.

Anyway after 12 years we understand one another much better. I have to give him regular guidelines to help him comprehend our ASD son (which I have no trouble with, I understand him better than I do most people). But you see, we manage to stay together and very much in love, all these years, and yet we are so different.

I also have a close friend who I spent time with this summer, she is very much like me, is generally considered sociable and good with people, to the point that often people don't know that she actually also really loves and needs to be alone. She's been for the last few years with a man who's ASD. They live a more secluded life than she'd like, with their two dogs - she's a really beautiful, clever and talented woman - most of her friends have said that they can't understand what she's doing with him, and isn't she 'wasting her life', or unhappy there? Having seen them together, and stayed with them a few times (my children and I being among the exceptions who are allowed to stay), I had a different point of view, and she said she really apprecates that I understand and am not judgemental, and also I know there is a different side to her too (we have known one another since we were 5). I want to see her happy, and I believe she is - happier than I've seen her with some others, who may have seemed more 'suitable'.. and specially since we can also spend some holidays together when he needs some time to himself

The point to all this is, there are many women who find your type attractive - and among them lovely, interesting, attractive women. But you have to find them. Well, one of them

I do have ONE piece of advice (though I do hate advice so, sorry). Don't be someone you aren't. Don't try to be funny, who cares about funny?! Be yourself, and if she's the right one, she'll love it and she'll know you mean it even if you don't do it all by the book (which would be boring, unoriginal and devoid of true feeling, anyway).

Good luck!

Thank you Katy!

Actually you sound fine. And you are having relationships, that's a really good start.

You could try to get a bit of general knowledge - it can become a specialist interest.
Listen to the news in the morning, so you have some general topics to add into the conversation, even keep up a bit on the celebrity news. You don't have to care about it. It can just be a conversation starter "Did you hear about Brad and Angelina breaking up?" Or you could add something to the conversation: "They're saying he was violent, another Johnny Depp?" When they offer some reasons for the break up, you can actually sound interested "Really?" because those bits can be added to your future repertoire. At least until it becomes old news, but the depp divorce went on for a month.

And perhaps, you're allowing her to get a little close to you. Try to be a little more distant. By that I mean, only see her two or three times a week. Then she'll appreciate the time she has with you a bit more.

That lady telling you all the things that were wrong with you, that's probably more of a reflection of her. She is not very empathic towards your personality, she's fickle, not serious. Rather than all the relationship problems being on you.
Women can tire of men easily, especially these days (tinder, many available partners).
Women can see men as their entertainment, they look to the man to create the excitement in their lives. Rather than it being equal responsibility.

I'm sure that you will find someone better, keep at it.
If you stay happy and she sees that, she might regret cutting you short.

Oh, Guitarsandcameras, sweetheart, how awful for you to be issued you with a long list of things they don't like about you. Your self-esteem must be rock bottom. ((((((hugs))))))))

It sounds as though you just need to find the right person. Somebody who will perceive your character in a different light. Rather than seeing you as "too serious" the right person would see you as attractively intense and focussed. Rather than seeing you as "too sensitive" the right person would see your sensitivity as a positive thing. Etc, etc. My advice is to just stay away from people who don't like you and who keep telling you all the things they dislike about you. Wait for that one rare person who just might appreciate you and might think you are marvellous exactly as you are.



Ahem. You are a single individual with your own unique opinions. You do not speak for all NT females (any more than you speak for all NTs / all women / all Americans / all nurses / all women called Angela / insert other characteristic here). That is because all females are unique (whether Aspie or NT) and all males are unique as well.

All people (whether Aspie or NT, male or female) have different things that they want from a relationship. Some people don't even want relationships at all. They only want casual sex. Some people want to be celibate. Other people want monogamy. Some want open relationships. Some want a soulmate. You cannot possibly claim to speak on behalf of all NT women and claim that you are somehow able to announce to the world what all NT women want.

Disclaimer: I am Thumbhole and below are my views on the topic. If no other thumbholes answer this thread, then the views that I am about to put forth are still merely my own views. I do not speak for any other thumbholes in the thumbhole community. Other thumbholes may or may not agree with my views.

I see there's been a lot of argument about things you have said and I think part of the problem is that you are creating a divisive "us vs them" vibe by emphasising all the time that you are NT and giving yourself a self-appointed title of "Miss NT". There are loads of other NT people on this forum. You are not the only one. It makes sense to clarify that you are NT if the thread topic specifically requires you to do so, but at the end of the day, we are all just human beings.

Not all Aspies exhibit all of the stereotypical traits of Aspergers, and not all NTs exhibit all of the stereotypical traits of NTs. There is often a lot of crossover. It is not really helpful if you come onto threads and start sounding off stereotypes about what you claim that all NT women want from men in relationships.




There is no such thing as an ex-Aspie. Aspergers does not go away. We have it for life. Perhaps you mean your "Aspie ex-friend"



This is a load of ignorant sterotypical nonsense and you come across as extremely patronising, as though you think that all the Aspie men on here are stupid and won't realise that a relationship is about spending time together unless you come on here and kindly spell it out for them.

Aspies know that people in relationships watch movies together and spend time together getting to know each other. We're not stupid. Aspies like doing those things, too.

Also, what about NT women learning the needs of Aspie men? Does the same not apply in reverse?

Aspie men do NOT all "hate talking". Some men (whether Aspie or NT) are more naturally talkative than others. Also, some women (whether Aspie or NT) are more naturally talkative than others. Everybody is different. You cannot make an absolute statement about a whole group of individuals and claim that they are all the same. Some people are quiet, while others could talk the hind leg off a donkey. If you think all Aspie people are quiet, you should just hear me. I could talk for England. You simply cannot stereotype an entire gender of Aspies and say "Aspie men hate talking". That's nonsense.

If anything, my personal experience would lead me to the opposite conclusion: in my experience, NTs are the ones who "hate talking". But it depends on what you mean by "talking".

I have had several male friends who were Aspies, and we talked for days and days and days and days on end for hours at a time.

Perhaps you mean talking about meaningless pop trivia. Most Aspies hate that kind of talking, yes. The Aspies I have talked to tend to prefer deep and meaningful conversations that are somewhat philosophical / technical / intellectual in nature, in which both parties actually learn something and get to know one another on a deep level.




You have a very strange definition of "listening". Last time I checked, listening is done with the ears, not the eyes.

Also, you appear to be buying into the stereotype that all Aspies dislike eye contact or have problems with it. That is not true. Asperger's is a SPECTRUM. On one extreme of that spectrum are the Aspies that hate all forms of eye contact. On the opposite end of the spectrum, other Aspies make too much eye contact and make people uncomfortable because they never look away. Somewhere in the middle are those Aspies whose eye contact levels could generally pass for NT, but who generally dislike making too much eye contact with strangers, because they consider "eye looking" to be a very intimate experience that they prefer to save for a romantic partner.



Here we go again. Stereotype, stereotype, stereotype.



There would be nothing wrong with you contributing your own view to this thread if you had made it clear that it was just that: your own view. But you appear to be describing everything that YOU want from a man, while substituting the words "I want" for the words "we want" to conveniently pretend that all NT women want the same as you and that what YOU happen to want in a relationship is what all NT women want.

I notice that you talk a lot about what you claim that all NT women (i.e. you) want, but you don't list anything that NT women (i.e. you) would be giving in return. There doesn't seem to be very much "give" in your ideal relationship. It all seems to be "take".

Not all women (whether Aspie or NT) want the same thing from a relationship. To claim that all NT women want superficial things like cute text messages and for a man to ask how their day went is nonsense. You cannot speak for all women.

Not all NT women call their man "Hunny". Of those who do, most of them would spell it correctly.

Some people cannot stand pet names. My NT sister is married and she is extremely practical and down to earth and absolutely cannot stand any form of soppy talk. In contrast, I am Aspie and I make up the cutest wutest wuvvey dovey names for the object of my affection whenever I am in a relationship. This is not due to my Asperger's. It's just due to my individuality. I am a unique person who just happens to have Aspergers, and my sister is a unique person who just happens to be NT. Some NTs like using pet names. Others don't. Some Aspies like using pet names. Others don't. This is because all humans are different.

With regards to your claim that NT women want to be sent cute text messages: again, you are describing what YOU want. Some women may not even own a phone. Of those who do, not all women want pointless text messages clogging up their phone.

Some women are romantic and soppy and for all I know, they might like to have somebody pointlessly text them "good morning" every morning or "good night" every night. But other women would find that this just gets on their nerves. All people are different. Some people (whether Aspie or NT, male or female) don't like to be texted unless there is an actual point to the text.

Some women may have stressful jobs and when they arrive home, the last thing they want to do is talk about their day. They may want to crash in front of the TV instead, or have a cuddle.

You really need to shake off this "us and them" mentality. It's not all black and white. You simply cannot say "all NTs are like this" because they're not. In the same way, you simply cannot say "all Aspies are like that" because they are not.

We lived together so that was not possible. "Only see her a few times a week". I read the news extensively... am highly informed. But yes, I agree otherwise. Thank you.

I have not been diagnosed but my GF is convinced I have ASD , I'm not convinced but seem to change my mind after every thread I read - Ooh that sounds like me or I don't have that issue thank God. I feel uncomfortable offering certain opinions or advice without full disclosure as I don't want to offer any advice or an opinion that could be damaging to someone with ASD when I could have full blown NT.

^ Your reasons for disclosure make sense. However, I would urge you not to base your conclusions about whether or not you have Asperger's solely on things you read on this forum. The diagnostic criteria is very specific. I see from your other posts that you are currently on the waiting list for a diagnosis.

There are many threads that talk about topics specifically related to Asperger's so I understand your hesitance about posting advice there if you are not yet sure if you have AS or not, but even if you turn out not to have AS it doesn't mean you wouldn't be welcome here. You must have some AS-like traits or else you wouldn't be considering whether or not you have it. Anyway, you don't have to have AS to be a member of this forum. All people are welcome here, as far as I know, as long as they abide by the rules.

Oh I totally get it about conclusions , when I first read about ASD it could explain a lot of issues I have and I would be 100% sure if there was concrete evidence of it in my childhood. Thanks for being welcoming. I actually have a real problem with forums , they become obsessional to me. I also have a real problem with witnessing bullying , injustice and authority figures which is why I'm usually banned from every forum I join. My gut instinct is to try and get involved in a flaming war and try and be diplomatic and diffuse it but this forum means too much to me at the moment so I'll bite my tongue whenever possible. If I don't get diagnosed with ASD it would be probably be best for all if I said thanks and left because there would be no more need for my filter and probably say things I'd regret.