Evam wrote:
It definitely IS an Asperger thing. And many here share the same feeling with you, even if some aspects are more or less important for them. Just give in "younger" into the search function here on Wrongplanet: you will have many hits that come very close to your problem. I would also say that many experience it with the same intensity. And beyond: The most recent thread with another related issue I stumbled on was "I Can't Do This Anymore" by self-annoyed who deeply regrets that he missed the opportunity to go to college, and do the things related to college life, his self-loathing and his hate against college students and graduates are both very intense. Fortunately you seem to be quite far away from the same level of envy and resentment.
I'm glad that it is in a way, although it doesn't seem like something that's really talked about as much. I actually do find that I envy teenage girls quite a bit sometimes; As I've mentioned, I don't really like being out during the school run, and I can't watch anything with characters that age in it. I do feel like I could grow into a deeper bitterness, the more I feel detached from it.
Evam wrote:
It is also for that reason, to avoid envy and resentment against yourself and others, that I strongly recommend you to behave like you feel instead of acting just to get accepted. Many (older) people here say that they lost themselves, because they acted too much according to the expectations of others and in order to "fit in", and many developped psychiatric issues.
I wish I could find the confidence to do so. Not too long ago at all I was a lot more juvenile, in how I dressed and how I behaved. I think I was actually more popular then as well. But I feel like I've now visibly aged quite a bit in the two years or so since, and consequently I don't think I can just flick a switch and go back to how I was. But I was happier in myself, and even though I still worried about acceptance, my sense of self was probably a lot stronger back then.
Evam wrote:
Anxieties and internal panic is very common in people on the spectrum. It is also often as intense as yours or even more intense. I think anorexia in girls and young women or body dismorphia is linked to that, too, and definitely also very common in the ASD population. I would also say that cosmetic surgery (at least the extremer one) is very often sought by ASD people, and for the wrong reasons, e.g. to ease a pain that cannot be eased by cosmetic surgery.
I do know someone that thinks I have body dysmorphia, because my confidence is tied heavily to how I feel I look. I can't just be comfortable in myself. I also don't like being out in wind because my hair will blow around, so I'll hold my head down and hold my fringe. I've never thought it might also affect my perception of age, but I do fear my body ageing, lines around my eyes and stuff. If I had the money, I'd definitely ask a surgeon to do things to my face over time to make me look young.
On the other hand, I find that when people make comments - usually inadvertently - about me being young, mothering me and stuff, it makes me happy. Whereas I feel a bit horrified when people guess my age as older, which has happened.
Evam wrote:
One of the most important sentences in my first post was actually: If you try to behave more authentic, and try out the things you want to try out, you will attract people that are similar to you, and people who dont mind. So the right kind of people, instead of the wrong kind. And this is very important for you personal development.
Yeah, I guess so. It's just very difficult to allow myself to get into that mindset of not caring at all.
01 Oct 2016, 4:35 am
