Marriage problems

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So after living alone for a few years I got out there (online :p) and got a girlfriend who became my wife. A few years in now and she suspects I have an ASD. She is a mental health professional and has been saying it for over a year. I thought I was just introverted, a highly sensitive person and socially anxious but she sees people like me day in day out and is convinced I have HFA.

The reason it has become more of an issue is that the last few years I either worked from home or was at college a few days a week which I could handle. Since I've gotten a job life has gotten on top of me. I really struggle with the 9-5 office; small talk, social events (I basically don't go), bright lights, too much noise, meetings. By the end of the day I want to (and I do) crawl into bed with the lights off and recharge.

Because of this I have no more to give my wife. I have become withdrawn, she's frequently sad/ angry about my lack of empathy, my lack of help around the house/ baby and my lack of desire to go anywhere. I just feel so burnt out, I feel like I'd totally shut off if I didn't get my rest at home. I basically wear a mask everyday and its exhausting.

She's angry I wasn't like this when we met (I was making a big effort, which lasted about 6-12 months) but I don't think she can handle the true me. But I feel so worn out I can't pretend in the one place I should be able to be myself. We were at least happy when I wasn't working in an office.

I feel like for us to make it I need to quit and get my rest and be a husband like I was, or we need to break up and I can earn money to pay the bills and retreat to my cave to recharge for the next day. The 2nd option sounds horrible to me. I'd rather quit and be a husband but then I am extremely vulnerable if anything happens to us anyway I'm left with no income.

Anyone else had any problems like this?

(ps sorry this should have gone into the love and dating sub forum, if there is an admin to move it?)

Oh dear. Wish I knew something which would help.
What I can is ask if some kind of neurological or endocrine disease such as fibromyalgia or Myalgic Encephalitis/Chronic Fatigue has been ruled out?

How 'bout you get a PART-time job, instead? Maybe, then, you could have time to recharge, before she gets home, from HER job?

Maybe you could find a less social job (maybe in the same organization). Like in the mail room maybe?

I have had this in my previous relationships. I must say however that i have never lived with a girl for some time so i am not quite sure if you find anything that i will write here useful.

That being said -

Imagine that you start everyday with 24 bottles of beer. Every regular task such as taking a shower before work, lunch, coffee break with colleagues, phone calls etc makes 1 of those beers disappear. I am not sure about you, but this is what the average day looks like

-Waking up
-Shower & breakfast, regular morning conversations - 3 bottles
-Driving to work, traffic jam or something else unexpected, -1 bottle
-Before work conversation with colleagues, -1 bottle
-Work time, fun begins! -Daily task & targets stress - 2 bottles
-Unexpected phonecalls, angry customers - 6 bottles
-Another coffee break with colleagues - 1 bottle
-Lunch time with colleagues - 1 bottle
-Unexpected phone call from family - 1 bottle
-Driving home, diner, enjoying time with your lover / wife etc - 6 bottles

Congratulations. You have 2 beers left over.. enjoy your drink.

Well, that is for a neurotypical person. You see, for someone with autism, every social activity costs 50% more 'bottles'. An unexpected phone call / activity you did not see coming in advance costs 300% more.
By the time you get home, you are already out of bottles and there is nothing of 'your bottles' left to spend with your family. All they will experience is a very irritable man who is out of beer.

Spend a bit less energy in the tasks that costs you alot of energy. The energy you save from less important tasks should be spend on keeping your relationship exciting. You are one of the few who has a relationship. From my understanding, it is a everyday investment that can be overwhelming and can trigger meltdowns easely. But it is a very good investment if you have the skills to do so, since none of us deserve to end up alone.

You seem like a well capable man (job, wife..), organize the 'bottles' spend (or perhaps look for a less demanding job? ) and you will be happy.

I'm struggling with something similar myself, and considering options; I may shift to part-time or a less stressful full-time job, or 'retire' to concentrate on the list of stuff we've been meaning to do around the house but never had time/energy for because we both work full-time. Wish I could tell you The Answer[tm], but it's likely to be different for everyone and every situation, so all I can tell you is you're not the only one trying to deal with this.

I agree with the other posters. Take a part time job or get one that is less stressful. Maybe even try therapy.

Could you work from home a couple days a week? Talk to your boss and let them know you are having difficulties. But by all means, save your relationship!!

Another idea is to go out on a special date with her once a week so she feels connected to you and loved. Every day have a routine where you give her 20 minutes of your undivided attention. And have dinner as a family. Try to limit your cuddle up in bed time to maybe 90 minutes a day, or 60 minutes. And be responsible and take care of your part of the housework, childcare. Everyone has difficulty with the work/family balance. You'll figure it out!

There is an observation which needs very careful treatment if it is not to result in discord, and that is that because you work in that job you bring income into your household which helps keep you both housed, fed and warm. By doing this role you put yourself at the mercyvof the blind spots or stress points which go with the autistic profile.

You are, I believe, due some recognition and thanks from your wife that you put yourself through this to bring income into the household and with it shared security and comfort. I observe in your introduction that your wife had some professional knowledge about the Autism Spectrum and identified some of its traits in you, so if she was aware of all the demands, social on top of the professional in your current job her experience might be expected to infirm her that they will have a cost to the marriage in terms of necessary recovery time.

Get some good B vitamins:
- Focus Plus
- Methtl-Guard Plus

Made a significant difference in my mental focus and ability to cope.