Can't feel "in love." How to fix this?

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What is your value system and why do you believe that you're in a relationship.

My personal belief in this is that everyone has to discover their own definition of what love means, and find someone who more or less accepts that definition.

For the time being, I've decided that good friendship is the closest I get to romantic love, and friendly familiarity for familial love (ach, awkward alliteration!).

As such I've sworn off getting in relationships, since I don't feel I can reciprocate at an appropriate level. I'm actually much happier, since I'm finally approaching things on my own terms and not trying to live up to other people's expectations.

*Your results may vary.

Yeah that's realism.

Anyway I suggest you think about what was different in the cases where you were able to feel some of the love in the way you define it. Compared to cases where you couldn't/didn't feel it.

I have a sense of how you possibly have an assumption that everyone with a problem with not being in love is trying to "fix it", in whatever way you were trying to "fix it" yourself. No, there are more possible reasons than just that one reason for not having experienced being in love.

Also it sounds like you felt like you were in love just fine in some emotional way already before finding what you call "true love". However there is such a thing as not even getting affected enough, not being emotional enough to fall in love, true or not. Do you see now what I meant?

As for control: again, I suspect you are thinking of a different kind of control. For a person whose default is logical thinking, it's not the kind of control you seem to be imagining. It's simply a way of living. You can't ask such a person to throw all that aside and fall in love that way - that will not end well.

I say it cannot end well not because I'd be advocating for being 100% rational all the time but because it would be a judgment made in an unbalanced way. What I instead believe is, a balanced judgment with more of a perspective beyond purely logical thinking - while still keeping common sense - is what's needed.

I value hapiness, health, personal growth, living on my own terms.

I believe I'm in a relationship, because I go out with this woman, we sleep together, we don't fool around with others, we confide in each other and are trying to make things "work."

Btw, I have told her I have Asperger's, and that I have difficulty with emotions - and that I'm working on it.

She has been supportive. She asked me to watch the movie "Mozart and the Whale" together (it's about a couple with Asperger's.).

She also asked me to send her the Alexithymia test, so she can take it herself. She scored 79, I scored 125 (she tends to be very emotional - she's a "feeler"). She jokingly said I beat her.

Good one.1) "Innocence" on my part, because of very young age. I suppose that ain't coming back. "What has been seen cannot be unseen."

2) Real personal chemistry.

3) Common interests. The more the merrier.

4) Liking the girl's physical appearance enough.

Thanks!

So then my suggestion is, keep looking and find someone with these aspects. Which aspect(s) is (are) missing from your current partner?

And, out of curiosity, what is this real personal chemistry like in the way you see it? Can you say more on this?

PS: As for the innocence thing, it's just, you are more mature and can make more balanced decisions, not expecting it all to work out magically just because you got a crush on someone.

I'd say the main missing aspect is she isn't health-conscious enough.

She doesn't really pay that much attention to how she eats, and she doesn't exercise enough. As a result of this, I feel she could afford to lose 30 lbs.

I'm not looking to date a model, but after a point of extra weight, my primal sexual instincts may not be firing properly (in other words, this isn't something I control).

It would also be nice to go together for walks, but this rarely happens. Being able to have a conversation without me having to put on a facade. Being able to chat and feel that we are "on". I don't feel this is an issue with this girl.

Thanks!

So, you must have been Mozart.

I'm sorry, but this problem is not autism-related.

The title of the movie came from a scene where the guy was dressed as a whale, and the girl as Mozart (for Halloween).

Trailer:

Would you really feel much more for her if she lost 30lbs? Hmm, I dunno if that would explain why the difference between her and that other woman a few years ago where you did feel a bit in love.

I don't think there's anything you can do. There are people I care for and even "love" to some extent, but "romantic" love is very short-lived. I just don't maintain those types of feelings long enough to form that type of relationship. I could simulate romantic behavior, but it's all work and one could tell I'm faking it.

If you're not wired for it, there's not much you can do but find someone who can deal with the level of affection you're capable of showing.

That was a fat joke.

The real question is whether you value looks or personality.

And, you seem disappointed, going on personality, alone.

In pop psychology, the sex therapist is supposed to ask whether she is a platonic friend, for sex, or marriageable. See how it categorizes itself? It's based on your own priorities. You might know different people, for different purposes. (or, be a polygamist or cheater.)

I care a huge deal for my bf, when he holds me I feel like, oh, he's holding me. That's nice, he cares for me. That's it. We make out but I never feel that feeling for him, like, passion? Love? He says the same things too. I accidentally told him twice I love you, though. He told me that too once by accident haha. I think love is not that overwhelming feeling that society says, like Romeo and Juliet, but, that calmness you have around a particular person, the safeness, the wanting to serve and protect, I think that's love. So no, I have not been "in love" but I think I am capable of love.

I replied to this earlier, I don't know if you saw that - but let me add this, I suppose by true love you mean something different from other types of emotions associated with romantic relationships? And then you felt those other ones just fine before too. Of course, it's important to differentiate between all these different types of feelings of love if that's what you meant. And then, I would imagine it definitely depends on that as to what kind of control you were talking about. Hope this makes sense, let me know.

Haha, I got the joke now. It was very smart!

I value both looks and personality. Again, I'm not looking for a model. I just need someone who is "passable" by my standards (my personality standards are definitely higher that my looks standards).

I'm not interested in platonic relationships.

Sex is fine.

Being with a "marriageable" woman would be nice. But marriage itself freaks me out. I identify with the above post.I don't really know the answer to that. But I need to start eliminating reasons for not feeling attraction or connection.

Actually, that other woman had even more weight to lose. But she was very open to doing physical things together (walking, tennis, etc). Also, our personal chemistry was through the roof IMHO.

Thanks for all the answers!

So, you have prioritized sex.