Being a parent with autism

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I've put this here rather than the women's section because I want to know what men relate to in this as well.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/apr/15/women-autistic-mothers-undiagnosed-children

*tidied up the url link

My son was 6 when I received my diagnosis.

I wonder at the first mother's preparation for her children. The child who has had no expectations enforced I fear will be ill equipped to handle general society. I try to enforce the "illogical" boundaries because I confront them everyday I leave my home and I want him to know they are out there.

I worry about the trouble the third mother had getting a diagnosis for her kid. My son has had a general assessment through his school but that was without autism included. I voiced my concerns midway through that he might be on the spectrum but, since he presents the way girls are said to, they didn't think that was the case. Their assessment didn't match the problems we were being told about in school and I think the teachers and staff downplayed his difficulties to get him through without having to give him special considerations. Instead he has been mistreated and labeled as a naughty kid (he has had OSS three times in kindergarten and 1st grade). Also, they were stressing him so much he began to rely on self-harm stims. Finally, we just pulled him out of school and are homeschooling him. We are going to have him reassessed by a third party at the district's expense.

It is a hard thing, I'm fairly new to my own diagnosis and sometimes I'm scared I don't know what I'm doing on the parenting front. I'm fairly convinced that all three of us are on the spectrum which compounds things even more.

There are good parts to all of this too. My son and I will latch on to shared special interests and we have fun together (I just got him hooked on disc golf). Also, I won't criticise him or restrict his video game interest unless I have to set a boundary for something else. His engineering ability amazes me at times (Minecraft obsession).

The driving force of my parenting philosophy is independence. I want him to be able to take on the world regardless of what might hold him back.

Reading the three stories makes me wonder if they would have had children/made different choices if they knew beforehand that they were on the spectrum.

Had my husband been diagnosed before, we would have not had a child.

It takes triple the amount of energy out of him than me. I don't always feel like I'm working at parenting. He always does. I give him huge, long chunks of time to recoup. I would never do that with an NT guy.

I wanted to be a parent when I first got married and before diagnosis. But post diagnosis and after helping my wife baby sit a friends 2 and 3 yr old girls a couple times, I am glad we did not have kids. I just do not have the patience and tollerance for the noise and constant attention a young child requires. I will stick with my four legged furry little ones, and even they can try my patience, espically when they are puppies. Mike

Thank you for sharing. Like some of the others it wasn't until my oldest sons dx that I found out what Asperger's was, and then four months later being diagnosed myself. Being a parent on the spectrum with two boys on the spectrum is very difficult. My wife has been extremely understanding and supportive as she struggles to manage in a house with three aspies It is a mixed bag of emotions on a daily basis. On the one hand as a parent how can I get upset with behaviors from my children when I understand where they come from. (Even though I do sometimes) Most days I am in a sensory hell, and it is not a life I would have chosen for myself had I known I was autistic before getting married. On the other hand, I feel that my life experiences will be my greatest strength in helping to prepare them for their road ahead. I think those of us that are parents on the spectrum with children on the spectrum can offer a unique perspective to the on-going conversation in how to help the very community we are a part of. Kind Regards Shark

I was diagnosed a little less than a year before my son was. I hate that I am the source of a lot of his anxiety. When I really shut down, he gets scared that I'm going to go into the psych ward again​ and he has a meltdown. I guess that's more of the depression than the Asperger's affecting him. But my wife and I are determined that he have all the advantages that I never had, since we have the benefit of knowing and understanding where his behaviors are coming from. I am like the mother in the article who cannot understand the need to be harsh--ever. He and I are much closer than I was to my father. I don't see any reason to be harsh or critical like my parents were. Granted, they didn't know what they were dealing with, but I don't think it was to my benefit.

I love being a mom and I feel sad that I can't have more unless we do more fertility treatments (that I do not want because of how unstable they make me).

My son has SPD and was diagnosed a full year before I began to suspect that I'm not exactly NT either.

Yeah, being a parent is in ways a lot harder if you're not NT but... there are advantages too.

I never tire of my son's "why" questions.

I never dismiss his questions that are hard. I research and answer him truthfully in age appropriate ways.

I do love cuddling him and do so liberally but he knows there's a "limit" and knows that his needs aren't the only that exist. As a result he is so amazing at setting his own boundaries. I'm outgoing but he's a serious introvert and he doesn't shy away from telling people not to touch him when he needs recharging space and reinforcing that they are not allowed to touch him when he doesn't want them to.

Finally... I can nurture him and help him grow in ways I was never nurtured, loved, and accepted. And it's healing to give that to another human being who marches to the beat of a different drummer. I accept and love my son for everything he is and don't hold against him everything he isn't but supposedly should be. He is who he is and it makes my heart sing in ways I can't describe that I love him and am so proud of him for just being who he is. My life hasn't been peaches but it's been worth living and I like to think he'll feel his is even more so.