Naturally Quiet

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I'm considered shy and quiet by myself and others. I only speak when necessary, and don't care for small talk. I can do it, just doesn't come naturally to me, so i avoid it when possible. Some people on the spectrum talk a lot, and say a lot of awkward things that can sometimes get them into trouble. I was probably more like that at a younger age, which led to some trouble at times, but have become even more introverted with age.

People tell me, "I didn't know that you talk."

yes a lot of people think that i am shy, and that i am really really quiet, it's just that i need to know them better to start talking more freely or i will feel like i am talking to shadows with no names or identity if you get what i am trying to say, and when i get comfortable i and start talking or make a joke their reaction can be annoying as if i am not allowed to make a joke or say my opinion or be sarcastic, because i am supposed to be the quiet, innocent and polite little girl.
also when i say " no " to someone's request - which i often say to strangers- they seem really shocked.
and for some reason my voice is quiet and that makes it harder to talk within a group of people, at first i thought it had something to do with self-confidence, but now i think the reason can be the background noise and that makes it hard to control my voice or something like that.

I'm extremely loud in some situations and extremely quiet in others. If I could have a balance great but since I suck it's not going to go like that lol.

When I don't know people I practically go mute, I whisper a lot and it's both embarrassing and annoying. I can't talk loudly. When I do know people well I talk nonstop, because I constantly feel like I have to. It's severe anxiety.

I also have a problem with volume. I would say it's bad hearing but it's not. Sometimes my voice gets so loud I can't hear what others are saying, and I have to cover my mouth to stop making random loud noises whenever I'm nervous. I know, laugh all you want, its pretty bad to be perfectly honest.

When I stay quiet, people think I'm wise and intelligent. When I have to speak, I feel like an idiot, and I suspect I sound like one too. I've also been told my silence is attractive, which could be bad depending on how you interpret it... this means I can disappoint people who expect me to be a certain way as they spend more time around me.

I never had the urge to talk a lot and be outgoing, unlike my brother. That is until his second grade teacher shamed it out of him. He was never the same after that.

Surviving in retail was made easier by the structured nature of the interaction. I made a script for what to say and an algorithm for what to do and the managers loved me. Same goes for telemarketing (actually research surveys), which I managed for three months - although then people asked me if I was a robot.

I don't remember much of my childhood but I do remember my father often telling me to be quiet a lot, that I talked too much. But now, 65 yrs later, I have re-met a school friend who remembers that they all thought I was shy as school, and even with encouragement I would not join in, but just stand and watch. At some point as I grew older, say High School, I realised that what I said didn't always go down well so I learnt to keep things to myself. Never any good in larger groups of people, especially if I didn't know them well. It would become quite distressing to stay there. Even my current partner will traipse off talking to all and sundry and leave me behind, so shortly afterwards I would get so bothered about it, I would just leave. Until recently, I never knew why, I never knew to think about how the other person thinks. And an earlier writer is right, there wasn't any connection, so I was never aware that other people did think differently. Since finding about about Aspergers, it explains a lot, and helps me learn to be more aware. But I am still no good with inane small talk. I think going to interest groups is a good idea where you have a common theme, it gives you something you can talk about. I am good at accounting, and find being volunteer treasurer for two not-for-profit associations is something I can do well and which other people appreciate. I avoid large parties, like 21st's, weddings, etc. where one is expected to mix around, as it is such a lot to cope with. It isn't being rude, it is just such a daunting thing to have to endure.
So even at my age, I am still affected by it, but at least I now know why. I hope this ramble gives someone some comfort. Thnx.

People tell me, "I didn't know that you talk."
________________________________________________________________________________________

someone asked "what, not talking today?"

someone asked "you don't talk much, do you?"

someone asked "she don't talk?"

someone had the nerve to tell me "shut up". at least one of those idiots told me she was my "friend". and i was just pointing out that it is illegal to tape record someone without written consent. she /they purposely went out of her way to do tape record me illegally. and then tell me "shut up?"

and then when she wanted an e-mail or to talk on the phone, she just demanded it.

some extroverts are way too self-entitled