So it looks you're not just wondering about our personal perspectives on our autism, but also about the association between autism and black and white thinking vs. nuanced thinking, and whether you should continue to value your autism. I have some thoughts on all of those things.
This is pretty long but don’t worry, there’s a tl;dr (summary) at the bottom and no one will penalize you if you skim.
I have some of the negative autistic traits you talk about, like anxiety and sensory problems. But those don't dictate my entire perspective on it. There are many aspects of autism I value and consider a part of me, which even bring me joy. There are also aspects that hurt me, that I struggle with or even hate. Thing is, the exact same thing may cause both a trait I love and a trait I hate; a trait I love can contribute to the development of an autistic trait I dislike.
For an example of this, take my tendency towards fixation. I enjoy absorbing myself in my interest. Being a person who is fascinated by and passionate about certain topics is an integral part of me. I’d never want to change that. My repetitive thought patterns are a major part of how I think and understand things. At the same time, I have difficulty pulling myself away from my interests to do what I need to do and think about things to the point I get sick of it.
Furthermore, my tendency toward fixation and repetitive thoughts contributes to huge anxiety problems. Yes, my external experiences with bullying have played a major role. But I do think my underlying autistic cognition plays a big role in making my anxiety more severe and pervasive than it would otherwise be. I can’t stop thinking about things that make me anxious, the strong emotions associated with my autism make anxiety overwhelming. It has led to a pattern of avoidance and difficulty concentrating that has seeped into many aspects of my life, which slows my progress in life. It means I have extra struggles in talking to and approaching others, in getting tasks done. I hate my anxiety, and I wish I could get rid of most or all of it. I’ve been realizing more the problems anxiety has been causing me, so I understand what you mean about re-evaluating my perspective on autism, I’ve had some of that too, though I don’t think I’d ever hate every bit of it like some people do.
There are many other things, good and bad, associated with my autism. My sadness and depression is stronger, but so is my happiness (partially a result of emotional regulation difficulties combined with intense interests and lack of regulation of my emotional reactions. My stims have sometimes alienated others but they amplify my emotions and help me explore my environment (ex. Chewing things, tapping things, and so on.)
(I also wish I hadn’t dealt with bullying and misunderstandings and hostilities. But while I don’t think there will ever be a utopia where autistic people will be perfectly understood and liked and have no social problems, issues like bullying are still strongly related to the social environment. Bullying is far more prevalent in some places than others. With a lot of effort and time from people in communities, this can be improved. So fault can’t solely be put on autism.)
Along with that, I wish I could better emotionally connect with others. My distance from the social environment helped me to become my own person.
I have sensory problems that cause me pain, stress, and sometimes difficulty concentrating. I love how my fixation on detail and absorption in my sensory environment has contributed to my artwork. (Though I haven’t been able to do art as much. The absence of it has underlined how important art is to me, that it’s more important to my happiness than solving how to react in social situations and other core autism-related difficulties.)
Almost all of these things aren’t just assumptions that because I have a trait it’s an autistic trait, these traits have been shown through both research and anecdotal evidence to be associated with autism.
Also, you ask people “whether or not they consider their autism an asset on balance whether or not they consider their autism an asset on balance.”
Is it an “asset on balance?” Well, it depends on what you mean by asset.
If you mean my ability to achieve certain goals, then I suppose it has helped me pursue fulfilling interests. Though at this point in my life I don’t know whether I will go on to a successful career or live on the dole, which concerns me. While optimism is useful, I know that success is never guaranteed and saying it absolutely guaranteed if you do things right can be harmful to people.
But if you mean positive vs. negative overall, I know my opinion’s not objective; anyone’s opinion on being autistic is highly influenced by their personality, values, their perception of who they are and what autism is, not just the actual autistic traits in question. I think that’s important to remember in in discussions like this. But for me, while there’s a lot of both positive and negative aspects overall I’d say positive. It’s not just that there are many benefits, as I’ve described. It’s that I’d rather have a more difficult, possibly unhappier, life as myself than destroy huge chunks of myself to live a happier, easier life as someone else.
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So here's my response to:
“I've also learnt more about other issues associated with it, some of which I never personally identified with: major sensory issues, apparently inflexible behaviour, and anxiety, for example. The experience has been upsetting for me, and I'm not longer so sure whether I should value this central part of myself, though some obvious benefits do remain.“
What do the challenges of others have to do with who you are?
As one person has put it, "[The] separation of autism from autistic people is inaccurate. There is no such thing as autism. There are only autistic people.” They don't mean that autism is somehow “fake.” Rather (as she has described elsewhere) they mean that there is not a standardized brain part called “autism” that gets inserted into people’s brains and makes them autistic. “Autistic” is an abstract concept that describes a set of individuals with a whole plethora of behaviors, and a huge variety of cognitive, personality and sensory differences underlying their behaviors.
Why do I say this? Because your discovery of these challenging or negative characters is challenging your positive perspective on autism generally. But your perception of autism as it applies to all autistic people together shouldn't necessarily impact how you see yourself. The fact that a unique set of autistic characteristics exists in your brain doesn’t somehow cause anyone else to have anxiety and sensory issues. Your own “autism” belongs to you, not someone else. Even if someone else has similar autistic traits to you accompanied by anxiety and such, their own autistic neurology belongs to them, not you. Your own autism is its own thing, so discovering more about experiences of other autistic people that you don't have has changed nothing about who you are.
So you can value those parts of yourself without feeling it’s responsible for other people’s difficulties.
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And as a ridiculously long side note, here are my thoughts on autism and black and white thinking. You said:
“For example, difficulty comprehending nuance was something I always associated with ordinary people. I had always prided myself on my ability to see the grey in situations, compared to many other people I knew (doubt the validity of this if you like, but based on my experience I'd say I have good reasons to believe it). However, I recently discovered that 'black and white thinking' was supposed to be a common characteristic of autism, whether or not it applied to me specifically.”
From what I can see, and from my own experience, autism can contribute to both black and white thinking AND to comprehension of subtle nuance. Autism has contributed to both at different times in my life. Growing up, I had the stereotypical black and white thinking. There wasn’t a middle ground. I was right, other people were wrong. I’m not entirely sure why I was like this. Probably partially to do with having difficulties processing large masses of information and taking for granted that what I read or heard was true.
I still have this in certain cases. But in later life, I have reason to think I actually have very nuanced thinking. Certain aspects of autism can also contribute to a nuanced understanding of things in some cases:
1. Fixation on interests ->more knowledge gathered -> more knowledge to base thoughtful opinions on
2. Lack of attention to social cues/ social isolation/oddities fostering nonconformity-> willingness to come to one’s own opinion rather than tow party line. Also, refusal to ignore facts willfully ignored by a certain group or society in general.
For example, in many times and places, there is strong social pressure against even considering certain points of view. Some decades past, in much of the United States, I believe even considering acceptance of gay people or homosexual behavior would make someone socially ostracized. In some cases, an autistic person may be more willing to ignore social pressure like this.
3. Detail oriented -> Stronger tendency to build opinions bottom up rather than starting from general principle & fitting ideas to it
4. Difficulty with certain kinds of abstraction-> possibly developing opinions based on a sensitive focus on details/circumstances.
Tl;dr: Your autism didn’t cause other people’s struggles with autism so I wouldn't worry about that. Personally, I value my autism despite major difficulties. Both difficulties and positive qualities can be intertwined. Different thinking styles and other things associated with autism can contribute to nuanced thinking.
14 Jun 2017, 10:31 am
