Go into a centre and interact

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"Go into a centre and interact", but what if you don't know how to/you struggle to grasp the rules of social engagement. There's a presumption it's all just about stepping through the door, and hey presto a social network will soon develop.
Reality for some of us: Step through the door. Find chair to sit on. Struggle to approach anyone and initiate a conversation. Spend the time gazing round the room. If someone does approach you you then struggle to make small talk and sustain a conversation.

Agreed, and there's also the factor that when you do actively attempt to establish contact with anyone, they may find you 'strange' and break off the conversation early.

I'm currently part of an anxiety and depression group. They want us to deal with the anxiety head-on by facing the anxiety, or practicing being in those situations.


For me, the social interaction is a big issue and, I suppose it could be classified as an anxiety for me, but the problem is is that I don't necessary feel as though the interaction is anxiety provoking. For others, facing whatever anxieties they have they can come up with reasons as to why it exists "I'll make a fool of myself", "people will laugh at me". I don't fear those things. My 'anxiety' is that I just don't enjoy interacting with people, making small talk because I can't think of what to say. It's not that I'm afraid to say anything, it's that I literally cannot think of what to say. While I've tried to communicate this, it doesn't seem to be entirely understood by the group leaders or others in the group. So now I begin to wonder if it is just me and I'm refusing to accept that it's something that I can simply overcome if I practice enough. Granted I do find the moments of awkward silence to cause anxiety as in "this silence is my fault because I don't know what to say".

Can we reasonably expect that we can overcome our social shortcomings and our social anxiety disorder? Am I just looking to it for an excuse as to why I cannot do my job? (Though that's only one aspect of the job, their treatment of me is huge as well).

Me in a social encounter (e.g., buying milk)

- worry incessantly beforehand
- change the date several times with excuses (including going without milk)
- worry about what to wear
- should i walk and have people stare at me or pay for uber and waste money
- do i really need this?
- when I finally go I stress the whole time and self-analyse: is my gait weird? Am i slouching? Am i standing too stiff like a robot? What do i do with my arms? Do I look sloppy? Why did that person look at me? Jeez I need a new purse. Wow my skin looks awful in natural sunlight so dont look in any windows that might reflect me . I need a haircut. Worry about getting hair cut.
- encounter person at store
- check posture again
- Do I look at them? How long? Omg I'm staring at their eyes. Look away. Look down. Blink. Dont blink. How many times should i blink in this interaction? Omg I'm being rude. I look angry. Relax. Look back. Examine what their face is doing. Dont comment on the weather because that's a clichee. Say something. Don't say something. Smile but dont crinkle eyes or I will look old. I think they said something but i cant remember. Don't smile too long or I will stare. Blink? Make getaway without slouching or walking too stiff
- heart pounding
- omg why didn't I say something? What's wrong with me? That person seemed harmless. They're watching me walk away. They think im a freak. No they dont. Yes they do.
Agggghhhhh
-Get home and lock doors
- ruminate about it for a week
- STIM
- Google what the heck is wrong with me
- Ruminate again
Who needs milk anyway?

Having been forced into most social interactions throughout childhood after I turned 18 I didn't socialize anymore I always considered life and these interaction opportunities a chance at experimenting with these others.

So where I Work and after I turned 21 the Bar became two places where this type of social interaction experimenting is least intrusive and easily escapable in case I get in over my head or start to piss someone off.

My goals have always been to remember each interaction, build a profile of who I'm speaking with, gotta remember their name, occupation, kids, married or not. If they like to hear themselves speak more so than conversate with me, these facts usually put people in some pretty consistent templates I see repeat over time at work and the Bar.

Small talk topics can go heavy into the direction of ignorance on my part of the subject being discussed. Sports, weather, news. All of these are nice low-risk areas. Politics and philosophy are reserved or avoided based on the stance, education and probable outcomes I begin to forecast based on the profile/template generated thus far in our inter-personal interactions as well as the observations made over time.

I hadn't made much effort to pay as much attention to myself until more recently. The best practices over time have made me a fairly charismatic person at least on the exterior. Though it's more likely sociopathic traits if observed objectively. I try and usually succeed at crafting my interactions to lead to expected favorable outcomes. I never do this with personal gain or exploitation in mind, but they are very easily manipulated if you have the social engineering skills and confidence to control or share the flow of a conversation.

A fair background of me is I work in IT and over the past two decades have mastered the ability to assist others in interacting with technology and explaining or teaching each person in an individualized manner. Adjusting the methods as we grow together in knowledge sharing.

Anxiety is always a constant pressure in any interaction I participate in, I'm not an emotional person so much when alone but can get easily untangled and confused when engaging empathetically with others. Over the phone or in person when engaged in active listening in addition to my extensive interaction knowledge base I feel confident yet sweat incessantly, have an uncontrolled need to move my hands as I speak with someone. I've noticed this faster now and try to minimalize my hand gesturing but I know I usually do it because it will help with keeping from the "eye contact" awkwardness.

Something that usually helps is most of these interactions can occur where it is acceptable for me to smoke a ciggerette. This I know helps with the growing sensory overload or lack there of that triggers the feeling to stim and try to ground myself. Ill start to go through these in the weirdest times seemingly random. So grab a ciggerette, pop the menthol crush, take a light puff when lighting the cig and then a calm deep inhale of the cool spearmint air and flavor. With my other hand I'll start to fidget with the lighter. This little ritual allows me to re-orient my train of thought, refocus on music playing in the background or a conversaation going on nearby.

For myself I used to practice going into shopping malls but I think the only reason I can is because it's generally accepted that NTs simply leave you alone so I don't have a problem with it. It's never actually happen to me where somebody walked up to me to start up a conversation in side of them all. It just doesn't happen. And if you walk inside one of the stores the clerks are usually very nice to you in fact almost always. So malls I have no problem with on the whole.

Other more intimate social situations requiring any or excessive interaction are of great difficulty for me for all of the reasons listed above.

_________________
*** High Functioning Autism - Asperger's Syndrome ***

ADHD, OCD, and PTSD.

Keep calm and stim away.

I never understood this piece of advice. I can't imagine being the kind of person who saunters into an event and is able to successfully talk to people. I typically go over my scripts, expressions, and try to predict the situation as best as I can.

Yeah my social worker tried to get me into different group settings. I can do small talk but I hate it and dont understand why people do it. I ended up not joing the groups she wanted me to join because they make me too uncomfortable.