Why do so many of us freak out over criticism?

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I have noticed this, in myself, and in other aspies..why are we so sensitive?

We are people who "give it, but can't take it"..We criticise a lot, but then get upset when we get it.

Not all of it is unreasonable, is it?

I try not to criticise, but invariably do, even if it's in a way I think is kindly. I dread it because it's rejection (I was adopted and always put my rejection issues down to that, though it might not be the case). I hate sensing rejection. I even see HELPFUL criticism as rejection, or rather highlighting something that might lead to it - ie food in the corner of my mouth. I think I largely hide myself away just in order to avoid it.

I think everyone gets upset with it. For me it depends on how you do it. If you sound positive about it and say what is good about it and then say what you think needs changed, I take it well. Of course there will be people out there who won't take any of it well no matter how you do it. I think these sort of people have something going on. A mental issue.

I think most people have trouble receiving criticism, but we seem to have more trouble than others. From my point of view the problem seems to be that a criticism is usually a request to change something, and I tend to feel that my carefully-balanced coping strategies could easily be knocked out of kilter if I were to alter them on the suggestion of somebody unlikely to understand how I function. I'm usually OK with it if it's phrased constructively with a few "I'm not insisting on this, we're just looking at possibilities" things thrown in. I usually get a feeling of reluctance when anybody suggests anything, which I tend to fight by looking beyond it at the actual idea, and trying to anticipate how it could work out well.

I have had trouble with this, but mainly because during my childhood, criticism was accompanied by abuse. Which is probably the same for a lot of people reading this.

I don't like people criticising me about the things I feel happy doing. Or getting on my case just because I'm not doing something that the other person does do.

As humans we are all capable of criticising each other sometimes, but I do try to respect other people's opinions. Also if someone finds a certain thing daunting, I try to sympathise and not judge.
Like if a coworker hates a task that I love, I may say "oh I love doing that", but still put myself into their shoes too. I don't say "oh why don't you like doing that for? It ain't that hard, I find it OK, so it's not bad, so stop your whining". And I wouldn't want that said to me. How that person feels about task A (the task I love) is the same as what I may feel about task B (the task I hate but they love).

Getting upset and freaking out aren't the same thing. Sometimes they go hand in hand, but they aren't the same. Getting upset is getting a feeling that you don't like what the other person said, freaking out is making a scene because of it.

As for me, I do get upset most of the time I'm criticized, especially if it comes out of nowhere when I haven't noticed messing anything up. However, it's very rare for me to freak out about it these days.

I can't say for sure, but from my observations I'd say that on average "normal people" don't handle criticism any better than autistic people do, but they can hide and control their emotions better, so it may seem like this.

Sometimes the best way seems to be not to respond.

Floundering:
I am not a bigot. I just hinted at a particular famous self sufficient community builder, because I couldn't think of any other reason why someone wanting that level of commitment would be so cagey about themselves.
I wasn't asking you to identify yourself but you were asking a lot, and I'm not simply going to trust someone I've never met and know nothing about.
Your reaction kind of vindicates that as well.
I didn't wish to offend, but you seem to get upset easily, and I think you should block me if you feel this way. I am certainly going to do likewise, because you are unwilling to be rational.

I will not respond to you at all, from now.

I'll answer your question with another: How many people here are perfectionists?

Moatsart:
Anyway, I would say, that irrationality is probably a feature of perfectionism. And vice versa.

Maybe we want to be and try to be perfect, and because we can't, we project that dissatisfaction on to the other person.

A person of a sensitive disposition will therefore take any questioning as an attack. And respond in a massively disproportionate fashion.

Such people inevitably will alienate some people. Unfortunate.

Sometimes I don't understand the criticism, because really, it appears from my perspective that I'm doing just fine. And sometimes (often enough) it's the case that I get as good or better results as the other people on the same task, even though I went about it another way. Sometimes, I don't get as good results, and I can look back and see that maybe the feedback that person gave me would have been valuable. But I don't mind so much, just learning that's all. If I learn because someone told me something, that's fine. If I learn because I didn't get the result I wanted, that's fine too. Either way, there is a gain. It bothers me though because you can't tell the difference in the moment. You have to undergo a state of conflict: should I go with my idea or listen to them? It's not an easy decision and can be overwhelming.

I think life experience helps us to know when the feedback will help and when it will not help, so we can listen with more ease.

Sometimes though, people seem to assume that they know more and it can be insulting. In those cases, criticism is much, much worse, and if you choose not to listen, it can feel embarrassing that you chose to ignore the feedback.

In some cases, the person giving the feedback actually does know more, and everyone in the room knows it except you. Those moments aren't that fun to memorize.

Criticism, like rejection, is a form of denial of another -- and, human nature does not like to be denied.


As in case of aspies, there are possible multiple factors why we couldn't take criticism well:

It could be because of we receive emotions and how we handle it.
This part had something to do with social-emotional maturity. And thus why we usually ended up being accused as immature reaction wise, even if this isn't the case.

It could be because since the majority do not understand our cases, they tend to be presumptuous, and many of us had enough with that.
It's a consequence of being different from others, something that most NTs wouldn't understand. And perhaps, an aspie to another since we tend to be very different from one another.

It could be because, it's about how we expect and handle changes.
At this part, it could be a two-way thing -- one's ideals clashes with another and took a firm stance on their opinions.
NTs won't react well if it's outside their culture's safe zone, and aspies won't react well if it's simply different from theirs and outside their own comfort zone. In other words, this part is a human thing. Except, in case of aspies, we're more prone to it since our views are rarely shared and be taken consideration -- unlike NTs' collective views, that sometimes, they don't have to make a change at all since they have this common view for compromise or a social module of some sorts that autistics don't usually have.


I only take criticisms well if facts are more emphasized and the reality stated first, before the subjective and indirect parts. Otherwise, I'd end up taking it as an attempt to insult me by not getting to the point first.

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If you think about it, considering humans aren't a solitary species, rejection usually = death according to our instincts.

I'm ok with criticism , as long as one who criticizes can listen to my explanations and counter arguments . What I really don't like is prejudice , which most NT's are full of .