Imagining why you felt different as a kid

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I used to have this idea that my brain was some sort of parasite that acted in opposition to my free will. Turned out to be just a few abnormally developed regions in my brain combined with fast dopamine re-uptake.

I grew up being told I was "gifted", but I also related to the comment about being an adult reincarnated as a kid. I've also always thought I had more of an "animal brain" because of my connection to animals and heightened sense of awareness in my surroundings.

I was the same way as a child. Only I used to daydream about an apocalypse, where all people (except me) vanish, but buildings, roads, plants, and animals remain. I fantasized about going wherever I pleased and doing whatever I wanted: play with stray dogs and cats, loot ice cream and junk food from grocery stores, raid the Toys R Us, walk around in the middle of roads, drink alcohol in empty liquor stores, and burn down my school. Basically, have the whole world as my oyster, with no one to stop me. Like a lot aspie kids---albeit not all---I viewed people in general as a necessary evil.

I, too, had suicidal thoughts. I had my first one at age 5. It was just an idle wish. Actual suicide plans came later.

I had a bit of an ego problem as a kid... I assumed I was the only sane one. (Granted that comes from rejecting mother over her undiagnosed mental health issues, and just extrapolating...)

Until kindergarten, I assumed all children were smarter than adults.

Only when I lost my father in early adulthood did I realize how out of step with the rest of the world I was, but then it was masked in depression.

Being a weak person

Although I joined this board several years ago I haven't really been around here much until the last month or two. The more I learn about Aspergers, the more I realize that this is where I fall.

Having said that, at now 48 years old, I am starting to understand why I perceived the world the way I did when I was so young. I always related to adults and never to people my own age. As I read several other posts in this thread it really hit me that maybe I wasn't the only one. I never was told or diagnosed with anything. I never had any speech or reading impediments, in fact, I was well advanced for my age reading at a 6th grade level when I was 4 years old. But socially, I never fit in and never really have. I was ridiculed from kindergarten through high school daily for various things. Only in college when I could do my own thing did I start to feel like I fit in anywhere, but even that was very limited. I don't think either of my parents knew or understood just how different I was, except for my IQ being exceptionally high as some sort of explanation.

I, too, have been diagnosed with depression as have many others here.

I am also starting to learn about alexithymia and believe that I exhibit many symptoms there too.

This place has taught me quite a bit. Thank you all for sharing.



FF

I had a variation of this too. I used to believe that only children felt a full range of emotions, sadness in particular (which I referred to as "misery"). Adults, on the other hand, could feel only two emotions: happiness and anger (the latter being over my grades and/or behavior). Everything else was a set of choreographed actions and gestures, meant to simulate the emotions children felt for real.

Why did I believe that? In my mind, adults simply forget how to feel sad. After all, they have limitless freedom to do what they want and to buy what they want. And any time a twinge of sadness creeps in or a wish goes unmet, they easily drown it in liquor. So over the years, adult simply forget what bad emotions (other than anger) feel like.

Wow, for an aspie child who allegedly lacked theory of mind, this is pretty damn deep!