Slowly starting to realize we don't feel empathy
RetroGamer87
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Age: 36
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Location: Adelaide, Australia
Afterwards I feel terrible, after I've become aware of my mistake. So I do have empathy in the sense of feeling bad about someone else's suffering after I've become aware of it but I don't have empathy in the sense of being able to tell when someone is suffering without them telling me (unless it's really obvious). I don't think I'm a sociopath because a sociopath wouldn't feel remorse for causing suffering even after they've become aware of the fact.
It can be hard for an aspie guy to get a girlfriend in the first place but if you do get a girlfriend, there's a high probability of her leaving you within the first few weeks or months due to her thinking your unintentional selfish acts were done intentionally.
Ah, but is this really you being selfish, or her being oversensitive?
It's all very easy, it seems, to blame autistic people for being callous or insensitive or selfish, so others can get out of any responsibility for their own actions.
I'm assuming your girlfriend is of a comparative age to you? If so she's a big girl, she can manage to cross a road by herself without you there to hold her hand.
Her rich dad spoils her and handles all her finances so even though she's 27, she has no experience being financially independent. I think she expects me to spoil and coddle her the way her overprotective rich dad does. He treats her like her little girl but I want a woman!
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kokopelli
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Perhaps you're only speaking for yourself in this case. I have had a long time disgust in Sociopaths and would be perfectly fine doing to them what they do to us. They make the mistake of thinking they're needed in our society. That's one crime (sending them all to an island to fight each other to death) the closest I'll get to one. People who lack Empathy are a small minority and a major threat. Even if I could myself, I would not manipulate anyone, except those who do harm to others, because I have a sense of morality and justice. I like to stand up for those who can't, and when I can't stand up for myself I take crap knowing I'm doing it in place of someone else. There are many people who accuse us of being Sociopaths (or people with similar ailments), and some sites are made exclusively from some stupid as*holes who continuously accuse us, so I'm weary to even consider accepting your claims as you could easily be one of "those" people. I'll accept another form of personality disorder like AvPD or even Borderline in some severe Aspergers cases, but I don't think any person I've ever met who has AS shows antisocial traits. Quite the opposite in fact.
Who are you addressing that to?
Perhaps you're only speaking for yourself in this case. I have had a long time disgust in Sociopaths and would be perfectly fine doing to them what they do to us. They make the mistake of thinking they're needed in our society. That's one crime (sending them all to an island to fight each other to death) the closest I'll get to one. People who lack Empathy are a small minority and a major threat. Even if I could myself, I would not manipulate anyone, except those who do harm to others, because I have a sense of morality and justice. I like to stand up for those who can't, and when I can't stand up for myself I take crap knowing I'm doing it in place of someone else. There are many people who accuse us of being Sociopaths (or people with similar ailments), and some sites are made exclusively from some stupid as*holes who continuously accuse us, so I'm weary to even consider accepting your claims as you could easily be one of "those" people. I'll accept another form of personality disorder like AvPD or even Borderline in some severe Aspergers cases, but I don't think any person I've ever met who has AS shows antisocial traits. Quite the opposite in fact.
Who are you addressing that to?
Anyone who thinks they lack empathy or have Sociopathic traits. Someone who lacks empathy is extremely obvious, but someone who doesn't know how to express it isn't.
Well this was a bit of a trip for me. Was gonna spit out half of a novel about my perspective around this but quickly realized I can't really differentiate between empathy/sympathy on the inside; So I read a bit about it in-depth and I can comprehend the difference between the two, however, inwardly they seem to spring forth (so to speak) from the same mechanism... Like I can't have one without the other.
This leads me to believe either one could be absent/lacking and I've sort of just... stretched the one that is present to cover the slack. That or it's something entirely different at work in here (my brain) in which case I can't make any true comparison for that myself. (This bit here is just some self reflection; I don't really have any experience with psychology other than reading about it here and there)
I could possibly break this down even more but It's a pretty intimidating rabbit hole and I've been highly stressed/burning out for several years and it has certainly blunted my ability to connect to others on any level whatsoever. Too much going on in my head to really digest my observation of others instantaneously.
So I could have one of them or none of them. Possibly something else entirely making up for it. I dunno.
I do know that I was just handed some pop-tarts though, gonna munch on these instead of this for now. Best of luck~
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Which direction we are going...
There's no knowing where we're rowing...
Or which way the river's flowing...
Is it raining, is it snowing, is a hurricane a-blowing?
Not a speck of light is showing so the danger must be growing!
All the fires of hell are blowing, is the grizzly reaper mowing?
YES! the danger must be growing, for the rowers keep on rowing, and they're certainly not showing,
ANY SIGNS THAT THEY ARE SLOWING! OOOOAAAAAHHHHHHH!
Well, I have an extremely low EQ and am not infrequently told by people (including my wife) that I demonstrate little emotion. I can talk to people in orders, rather than sentences. I have flat, emotionless diction. I don't care what anyone thinks of me. I am frequently angry. I am not, however, a sociopath. Autistic lack of empathy is different to that of the sociopath. I have no wish to hurt or manipulate people and have never been physically violent in my life. I think autistic people often have rigid standards and morals (I do) and keenly feel what is right and what is wrong. That in itself is a type of empathy. How many people on the spectrum consciously set out to do wrong? Not many, I suspect. We tend to be good people. Just don't expect massive displays of emotion. Modern society confuses emoting with empathy.
I have mostly "learned empathy".
I learned to say, "please", "thank you", "good morning", "how are you", "you look good", "that's tragic" ...to appear to have empathy.
I work very hard at making other people feel like they're appreciated.
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CockneyRebel
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I feel empathy, sometimes a little too much. I feel guilty for many things that happend to people even when I'm not. I try to help and support and comfort people. I struggle to say the right things that will make people feel better, but still I can form very close bonds with like-minded people (I just have trouble bonding with people I don't seem to have anything in common with).
I learned to say, "please", "thank you", "good morning", "how are you", "you look good", "that's tragic" ...to appear to have empathy.
That's about social rules, not necessarily empathy.
Also - this is something I learned here - there's a difference between cognitive empathy and emotional empathy. Aspies will lack cognitive empathy (some more, some less), but many of them have emotional empathy (i.e. they feel sorry for others when they know they are feeling bad). Both kinds of empathy get mixed up very often.
kokopelli
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Gender: Male
Posts: 3,675
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Perhaps you're only speaking for yourself in this case. I have had a long time disgust in Sociopaths and would be perfectly fine doing to them what they do to us. They make the mistake of thinking they're needed in our society. That's one crime (sending them all to an island to fight each other to death) the closest I'll get to one. People who lack Empathy are a small minority and a major threat. Even if I could myself, I would not manipulate anyone, except those who do harm to others, because I have a sense of morality and justice. I like to stand up for those who can't, and when I can't stand up for myself I take crap knowing I'm doing it in place of someone else. There are many people who accuse us of being Sociopaths (or people with similar ailments), and some sites are made exclusively from some stupid as*holes who continuously accuse us, so I'm weary to even consider accepting your claims as you could easily be one of "those" people. I'll accept another form of personality disorder like AvPD or even Borderline in some severe Aspergers cases, but I don't think any person I've ever met who has AS shows antisocial traits. Quite the opposite in fact.
Who are you addressing that to?
Anyone who thinks they lack empathy or have Sociopathic traits. Someone who lacks empathy is extremely obvious, but someone who doesn't know how to express it isn't.
You might be surprised. It's rare granted, but you may have spoken to tonnes of people who lack empathy completely and just have never known it. You'd only have picked up on the ones who were obvious.
Some of the above quotes are confusing psychopathic behaviour with the behaviour of someone who lacks all empathy. They are not the same thing. Many (though not all) pure psychopaths seek power and dominance, have a tendency toward violence, will actively prey on others, interact badly with the law, etc. You mention you abstain from this sort of behaviour because apart from feeling empathy yourself, you have a sense of morality and justice. People who lack any empathy can also have that sense - sometimes, even more strongly than emotionally average peoples, because this is all you do have in many cases. Cognitive ethics.
Are people with no empathy a possible threat? Yes. Because we essentially have no emotional "check" to stop us. But not always. If you have someone with no ability to understand empathy who does have that firm grasp of cognitive ethics, they are actually less likely to be a threat than an emotionally average person. You hint at the mechanics of that yourself - you note that you would be "perfectly fine doing to them what they do to us" - I'm assuming that covers all the above points made? Such as prey on others? Commit acts of violence?
Someone who operates purely on cognitive ethics without any empathy whatsoever would make no such emotional distinction. Ethics is ethics - it doesn't matter what the subject of those ethics is like. It doesn't matter if you like them or not, it does not matter if they "deserve" it because of some form of personal justice. You would behave exactly the same to a "good" person as you would a "bad" person - because you have decided, philosophically, how you believe it is correct to treat other people. You don't have any other option, after all. There is no "crime of passion" for a creature of cognitive ethics. We are much less likely to be swayed into violence on the force of emotion - which is the basis for much of the acts of violence out there.
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Alexithymia - 147 points.
Low-Verbal.
I just wanted to share this. I have a vivid memory of one time when I was 3 at preschool (in the UK children start preschool at as young as 2), my mum had left and I joined some other children sitting on the carpet waiting for a singsong. But I saw a little girl screaming and crying at the door, most probably from severe separation anxiety, and I remember worriedly staring at her thinking "oh my God she sounds really upset", and then I felt her anxiety. I felt it so bad, that I started crying myself a little. I can't remember what happened after that, but I do remember that brief moment of me feeling for another child and knowing what she was going through. I did suffer with separation anxiety when I first started preschool, but after about 6 months I started to accept that my mum will leave me here and come back for me at midday. So perhaps this girl was rather new to it.
I honestly do remember how much this girl's anxiety affected my feels. So that proves that I must have had empathy at a very young age, maybe even younger than some of my NT peers. So that proves that not all of us are socially and emotionally disconnected from the rest of the world.
But I suppose some "all Aspies lack empathy" thinkers here will oppose to this post with a bunch of ifs, buts and maybes, but the rather uneducated OP wanted some proof or examples of how Aspies are able to feel empathy, so here it is.
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Naw - I'd think the "ALL Aspies lack empathy" is just as incorrect as "ALL Aspies feel empathy, just express it differently." Some do, some don't. Because we're individuals, and though we may all be autistic, that doesn't make us all function the same. Generalization is not our friend.
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Alexithymia - 147 points.
Low-Verbal.
I honestly do remember how much this girl's anxiety affected my feels. So that proves that I must have had empathy at a very young age, maybe even younger than some of my NT peers. So that proves that not all of us are socially and emotionally disconnected from the rest of the world.
But I suppose some "all Aspies lack empathy" thinkers here will oppose to this post with a bunch of ifs, buts and maybes, but the rather uneducated OP wanted some proof or examples of how Aspies are able to feel empathy, so here it is.
First of all, I do have HFA. Second, you are literally one of the first people on this arguing that they have empathy to actually know what it is. Other than you, and a few others, the arguments by most of the others who've posted arguing that they do have empathy only prove that they have no idea what it actually is.
When I was filling out my questionnaires for my assessment I got really stuck on the difference between sympathy and compassion. Weirdly, the word empathy wasn't used. Even with the literal definitions in front of me, I couldn't get it. With me, it's wrapped up in my sense of 'Unfairness' I feel sorry and upset for issues of deep injustice but typically I don't feel much for the average persons problems although I can cognitively recognise that they are upset but is only get upset for them if they were vulnerable. It confuses the life out of me this topic
Absolutely my problem, Komodol. I HATE injustice, but really am not bothered by everyday problems of other people. I'm not even sure I know what empathy is, in the sense it is used here.
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