Reinterpreting my past: meltdowns and shutdowns

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I remember a lot of meltdowns in my life. They were always met with serious contempt and I learned to hide them, then I learned to supress them... until my mental health became a total mess. But the contempt of even the closest family because of my "going hysterical over nothing" was so strong that I am still afraid of my meltdowns, making a lot of effort to avoid or supress them.

I wonder about the shutdowns... many teachers in high school believed I used drugs. I didn't but I was brilliant one day and another day I moved slowly, barely aware of my surroundings, and responded very slowly with serious delay. So they probably believed I was drugged, even they tried to talk to my best friend about helping me with it. But he knew for sure I was clean so he just laughed it off.
Were that shutdowns? It usually happened after a bad night so I believed it was my lack of tolerance to sleep deprivation.

Yes, sounds like it. At least I can relate.

Sleep-deprivation has always been commonplace for me due to late-onset insomnia, and it does have a marked effect on my behaviour - exactly the kind of "slowness" you describe, almost feeling as if I am under water, and that only the absolutely essential parts of my brain are actually awake while other parts are snoozing. My Mum, who is also a chronic insomniac describes it similarly. Like you, I have often had people assume that my behaviour is due to alcohol, smoking pot, taking medication, or even that I have a learning disability or impaired hearing.

In my experience, the sleep deprivation effects are quite distinct from when I have a "shutdown". My shutdowns have a quite abrupt onset preceded by rapidly increasing anxiety, and can strike even when I might have been alert beforehand. When shut down, I am not merely slow or distracted, I am absolutely disconnected from the world - unable to decode the sounds around me into people's words, for example, and I will have no memory of events around me until it subsides. Shutting down seems to be my default reaction to unbearable overstimulation - I have had "explosive" meltdowns, but they are extremely rare for me.

However, when I am sleep deprived, sensory and social stimuli can seem very much more intense and distracting. It is also harder to maintain the concentration needed to "pass", and I will get anxious about how my slowness is affecting my performance. These things all make a shutdown much more likely to happen, so I try to avoid all but essential social contact when badly sleep-deprived. I would say that being autistic, especially if you are someone who tries very hard to "pass", might magnify the effects of sleep-deprivation, so that it is more noticeable compared to a non-autistic person who has not slept well.

Thanks.
I'm still trying to figure myself out. Overstimulation is a big issue for me and there are times when I just cut myself off... although I prefer to go to the bathroom if I feel it coming.
For most of my time I wasn't even aware of the overstimulation thing... I was feeling horrible and nobody believed it, so I thought something was wrong with me. Exploded crying for no reason I could explain. And people were making it worse by either persuading I had no reason to cry, or trying to cheer me up.
So I learned to hide my "insanity", even from myself. Now trying to get it all back together.

Maybe I've had no "proper" shutdowns, just slowing down a lot on worse days. No obligation to have them.

Yes, I can certainly understand that. Since being diagnosed a couple of years ago, I have spent a lot of time re-assessing events and behaviours from the past. Although not as extreme as a meltdown or shutdown, the effects of sleep-deprivation are spread over a much wider span of time and activities, so they can be just as debilitating in their own way. If you talk to anyone with a chronic sleep disorder, you usually find that the problems they have with lack of understanding, not being believed, and ineffective or patronising advice are strikingly similar to what many autistic people experience.

I'd have "meltdowns" even in grocery stores. And my mom would yell at me. And she called them "fitsos"...I hate that she said that. I call it "freak outs" because I like the word "freak", it means being different and unique, made different to make a difference in the world. I understand shut downs too...I kind of disassociate with my body and what people are saying and go into my own little world. But I don't think any of it is something to be afraid of.

I was given this link when I asked about shutdowns a while back , you might find it interesting or useful https://everything2.com/user/Zifendorf/ ... s/shutdown

Thanks!

My family just called the meltdowns fits. I've had my mother, siblings, husband, and even my kids says I was insane. They make me feel like a monster because to them I was over reacting to whatever the situation. I never hurt them. I've thrown things around, pushed a chair over, and even hurt myself (hitting myself in the head or digging my nails into my skin. It wasn't that I meant to scare them or make them feel guilty or bad, it was like a volcano inside me that I couldn't stop from erupting. I wasn't diagnosis until I was in my 40's. I've apologized to my kids but they won't forgive me. They continually bring them up. I wish I had known sooner. I try very hard now to be aware of when I'm feeling that way and go somewhere by myself. It works about 95% of the time now but there are times when I haven't slept or I am sick or the stimulus/stress has just built up too fast that I'll have one. The last one I was crying hysterically and trying to fix a closet door while yelling at my 18 yr old who had knocked it down. I hadn't slept much in the past few days trying to fix up my house. I didn't even realize the level of my reaction till I heard her say "get out you crazy Autistic" over and over. I calmed down a little and fixed the door. I apologized for my over reaction but what she said really kicked me in the gut.

@SaveFerris: Thanks for the link, that's really got me looking at some things from a different angle.

Some of the effects that I've always blamed on sleep-deprivation fit the description for a "partial melt down" very closely. Maybe I need to review some explanations that I accepted before discovering I'm autistic (such as described to magz earlier in the thread.)

I had more meltdowns and I didn't try and suppress them when I was sixteen when they got worse. My anxiety got worse so I had more of them and my reactions were stronger. It didn't help when my family would get mad at me for them so that made my anxiety even worse and I had more of them. Now my mom thinks I was trying to be an aspie. To me that comes off as her saying I was faking all of this to get my way. Like I enjoyed having emotional overloads but I faked them all and was such a good actress.

My meltdowns have been called tantrums by my father so I thought that was what I was having whenever I got too upset or anxious. My mom called them pity parties. She does know about meltdowns and has mentioned them to me but then turns around and says I was trying to be Asperger's or calling them pity parties. I never knew she thought I was trying to be an aspie until I was 30 years old. That explains why she would tell me back in high school "Be Beth, not Asperger's" or "don't try to be Asperger's, be Beth" and back then I didn't understand so I thought those were strange comments because that is like telling me "Don't try and have anxiety, be Beth" "Don't try to have brown hair, be Beth."

You're welcome , it was a really useful link for me as well at the time. I need to review it again as I haven't read it since my diagnosis.

^^^^ THIS! I FREAKING DO THIS. OMG. Sorry but this has plagued me most of my life when I get overwhelmed. I can't follow people speaking and everything goes blurry, I can't focus on objects and dissociate I remember when I was really really young all the noises going really really loud like someone turned up the speaker, but I couldn't understand any of it, I remember thinking I just needed to wait and it would pass. I also just completely knock out when stressed like --> to bed, collapses, can't move, sleep. It drives some people insane because I do it in stressful social situations sometimes.

Sorry massive revelation. I have also had my fair share of meltdowns esp as a child, but I have shutdowns far more frequently as an adult than I have meltdowns. I grew up in a not so great household so meltdowns meant I would often get hurt, shutdowns however not as dangerous.

This was super interesting, thanks for the link.

Funny is, my spouse points out there is a state when I stop receiving input. It is often triggered by the kids wanting lots of different things from me at the same time. Then I start lagging more and more until I totally stop responding.
But, using the computer metaphor, it's not a shutdown but rather lag and then freeze.
I'm more immune to it when my need for sleep is satisfied... which happens seldom since I have kids.

I just remembered it was a member called Knofskia who gave me the link , so thanks should go to her.