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Roo95
Snowy Owl
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Joined: 7 May 2017
Age: 29
Gender: Male
Posts: 152
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26 Dec 2017, 5:09 am

For me this is one of the biggest problems I have in life, it's been a major cause of my depression and anxiety. Basically I feel like I'm a robot programmed to say yes to everything and do what people want even when I don't want to. My family say they think it's because I like to please people. They say it's because I don't like letting people down but I honestly don't know why I can't say no. But some examples are ever since I got my car at age 18 I have been taken advantage of many times. At my old work, after a long stressful shift of dealing with customers, instead of going home, many of my Co workers would ask me to wait around for up to 2 hours for them to finish so I could take them home when my shift was finished, it was late, they lived further away than I did so I'd have to go out of my way and I just wanted to go home. I would constantly be asked to give people lifts to places when I Was busy but as I can't say no I would do it. Even though I'm never offered fuel money and I have plans. Also I remember my sister waking me up at 3AM so I could take her to a party that was still going on when I had work at 7am. I have a close friend who knows I can't say no and he will often phone me for lifts because he knows I can't say no and too scared to ask for fuel money. My inability to say no has almost landed me in prison once last year when my older brother committed an armed robbery on a jewelry shop and he asked me to dump the evidence which I did even though I didn't want to because I had nothing to do with it and was scared of being caught. Eventually he was found out and went to prison and my dad told the officers that I have autism and they gave me a caution instead of arresting me. My brother knows I can't say no and this is why he got me into doing drugs when I was 11. He would offer me MDNA pills because he knows I can't say no and that im too naive to know what they are. I was 11 years old and snorting pills with him. I still don't know if 11 years on whether it's damaged my mental health. He would also somehow talk me into giving him money all the time leaving me with nothing. Yet he always tells me how much he loves me as his little brother. And once when I was at work I finished all my work and got told I can go home early so I planned on going metal detecting. But one of my co workers came over to me and said he wanted to go home and asked if I could finish his work for him so he could go and me being me messed up my plans and agreed to it even though I could have said no.
My family and 3 close friends know I can't say no and they understand and never use me. If they want a favor off me, they will talk to me to make shure I definitely want to do it though some of my family and friends still use it to their advantage to get things they want from me. No one understands how much stress it causes me. My family and friends are always telling me that I do have the right to say NO to people and I need to stop being so soft and stand up for myself but I just can't do it.

Could this have anything to do with my ASD? And is anyone else like this



Embla
Velociraptor
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Joined: 4 Oct 2017
Gender: Female
Posts: 490

26 Dec 2017, 7:01 am

I'm the same. Am currently working on three different illustration-projects I don't want or need, am taking care of my landlady's horses for 4 hours (was promised it only takes 2) each day for almost no money, taking so many extra shifts at a third job because coworkers "just don't feel like it today". I have a dog that I don't really have the time or energy for because I didn't dare say no when my boyfriend suggested we'd get one. I am stressing out over my family asking me to come visit, but I don't have time or money for it and the dog can't be left alone.
All my time and energy is spent on pleasing others right now. The only time I get to spend on my interest is on the bus back and forth between all the jobs that I don't want.
It's causing so much stress and anxiety. I have no idea how to fix it.
Sometimes I consider just disappearing. Moving away without telling anyone, and start over in solitude. Although I know that wherever I go there will always be someone to push me around.



ASPartOfMe
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26 Dec 2017, 12:14 pm

I need to get better at this.


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DSM 5: Autism Spectrum Disorder, DSM IV: Aspergers Moderate Severity

“My autism is not a superpower. It also isn’t some kind of god-forsaken, endless fountain of suffering inflicted on my family. It’s just part of who I am as a person”. - Sara Luterman


ladyelaine
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26 Dec 2017, 4:45 pm

I have struggled with saying no but I have gotten better at it. It's common for people on the spectrum to have trouble saying no. I said yes a lot because I was just trying not to look like a complete dork and make connections. I got tired of people only contacting me when they need something so I started saying no more often. I was also sick of people not being there when I needed them.



Temeraire
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26 Dec 2017, 5:48 pm

Oh it makes my blood boil when I think of all you lovely people being taken advantage of because you have trouble saying no. These people who take liberties are practically abusing your nature.

You can learn to say no and find ways to do this but you will need to learn be uncomfortable for a while whist you do.

There are assertiveness courses out there including lots of good tips online how to do this.
Or if it is very deeply ingrained then either a counsellor or coach may be able to help you with this.

This is not just about people pleasing but a whole host of other things like avoiding conflict and self-esteem to mention only a few.

There are many ways of saying NO without actually saying the word and getting you point across.
Value yourself and your time - you are worth it.



Raleigh
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26 Dec 2017, 6:11 pm

You don't have to say no if you find it difficult.

Instead, write down a list of things that stress you out and make it your policy not to do those things.

If anyone asks you to do something on the list, say, "Sorry, that goes against my policy."
Then it's not like you're saying "no" directly, you're saying no because it goes against the rules you have written for yourself in order to protect your wellbeing.
Your family can also help you reinforce your policy and add to the list if needed.


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fruitloop42
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
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Joined: 14 Nov 2017
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Posts: 65

26 Dec 2017, 8:37 pm

I am very much like this. I also find it difficult to disagree with people, and to express an opinion before I know what their opinion would be. I'm trying to get better but it takes a lot of effort and makes me feel uncomfortable and anxious. I hope it gets better with time.

One thing that helps is to remind myself that most people would rather I say no if I don't want to do something. It was a therapist who pointed it out to me that most people don't want their family/friends/loved ones etc to be doormats, they want them to be happy. It was a revelation because I'd never thought of it like that before. So now I remind myself - I'm not helping anyone by saying yes all the time.



Roo95
Snowy Owl
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Joined: 7 May 2017
Age: 29
Gender: Male
Posts: 152
Location: UK

30 Dec 2017, 7:12 pm

fruitloop42 wrote:
I am very much like this. I also find it difficult to disagree with people, and to express an opinion before I know what their opinion would be. I'm trying to get better but it takes a lot of effort and makes me feel uncomfortable and anxious. I hope it gets better with time.

One thing that helps is to remind myself that most people would rather I say no if I don't want to do something. It was a therapist who pointed it out to me that most people don't want their family/friends/loved ones etc to be doormats, they want them to be happy. It was a revelation because I'd never thought of it like that before. So now I remind myself - I'm not helping anyone by saying yes all the time.


I'm exactly the same as you. I also find it extremely difficult and sometimes impossible to disagree with other people but I don't know why, I always thought aspies don't have a problem being honest and saying what they think but not me. Also my friends and family say the same that they would rather I say no because they also feel bad when they find out I actually didn't want to do it.