Conflicted about Faking Friendships

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I am currently faking my way through a few friendships online, because need to have positive interactions with people to remain sane. In flesh life my interactions are full of strife. I don't do anything on purpose to cause it, but it just happens.

There is a saying, with different variations on wording, that fits me really well: it is called "not being on the same page/wavelength/frequency/frame of mind ...". I misinterpret them & they misinterpret me -- is very annoying. These negative interactions lead me to be in a very foul mood. I came up with the idea to gain friendships online & try to be a positive entity for them. However, am having 2 negative thoughts about this.

1. Hate lying to them when I say things that infer their company is enjoyable to me -- it isn't. Their company is a burden on my time & finances. Friendship requires sending gifts. Some of my friends live in other countries. It is expensive to mail things there.

2. Suspect a few of my friends are not really friends. They might be faking their friendship also, but don't know how to figure that out. Don't want to waste my time on people that don't get positive enjoyment from my interactions. Even though I am faking it, the main goal is to be a positive influence rather than the negative one that occurs in the flesh life. Net life needs to be fruitful, not deceptive on both sides. My motives are good, but what if they are just being nice but are actually annoyed by me just like people in my flesh life? All my efforts will be for nothing.

I don't like affecting people in negative ways. It is important my life be used to do good things, be useful, & be seen as valuable -- not a burden or waste of space. If only the misunderstandings could reduce in my flesh life, then I wouldn't have to deceive people online & pretend I like them. It isn't really them I don't like -- it is just very tedious & sucks the energy out of me to socialize. The process is so tiring it makes it difficult to feel any actual bonding.

This part confuses me:

> "Hate lying to them when I say things that infer their company is enjoyable to me -- it isn't. Their company is a burden on my time & finances."

If that's truly the case, then why are you calling this a friendship? I'm hardly an expert, but shouldn't there be some mutual benefit involved to merit that name? I guess I'm not understanding the type of relationship you're describing. Is it like a foreign pen-pal thing, where you're supposed to send each other gifts?

If a “gift” is a requirement for friendship, then I don’t find it to be a true friendship.

I find that an obligatory gift often ruins friendships.

Having positive interactions with people does not mean you’re “friends."

I have liked and enjoyed many people who happen not to be a “friend” in the true sense of the word. I wouldn’t mind being friends with them, though.

Friendship is much more than mere enjoyable interactions.

I have endless acquaintances but not really any friends.

These replies are excellent examples what makes it very difficult for me to positively interact with people. From my perspective (& mine only) everyone focuses on the wrong thing.

In this case, the wrong focus is placed on the meaning of the term friendship. I don't care about the definition. I never termed these people my friends, they did that themselves.

The important issue for me is faking my way through the interactions & them believing they are my friends when I feel no bond with them at all. However, after a few months of them terming themselves as my friends, they expect some sort of extra effort from me other than words on a screen. They want to exchange cards, images in email, sharing their life with me rather than just viewing the things I'm sharing with them. Setting boundaries is difficult because it tends to ruin the previous positive interactions ... or it ends it completely.

I get myself in situations where even after just a few weeks of positive interaction, someone will ask for my email so they can share a photo or a message privately. They get further into my life somehow & it blooms into a friendship I didn't intend or want. They feel bonded to me & express all these sentiments like respecting me, telling me they couldn't have got through a situation without me, saying how much I mean to them.

That makes me feel really bad because I do not feel the same way, but I lie & communicate sentiments I don't really feel. If I don't lie they will feel bad & the positive interaction ends. If I never speak to them again it wouldn't matter to me (except for the fact they will feel bad & that is the part I don't want). It turns into the same real-life situations where I'm not a positive influence anymore. I turn into a negative influence & spreader of negativity.

However, am not completely sure if their positive sentiments are real. They might be lying to me. There isn't any way to know if both sides are burdened or it is just me. My goal is to decrease negative burdens I put on people & increase positive interactions for a longer duration.

To me, friends should be there through thick and thin. Material things shouldn't matter in a friendship. The people you speak of sound like obsessed fans. Don't be afraid to set boundaries.

lol, well, thanks but doubt that there is any real fandom happening. I'm not any more a public figure than someone posting their activities on facebook or this forum. My youtube channel is nothing more than me working on my own property & doing DIY projects. That's it. I help people when they ask questions or they are helped just by watching what I do. Nothing extravagant -- just a plain vlog. It is nice to positively interact with people online. It contrasts with most real life interactions. It feels very good to be seen as a positive role model or help others in a good way. All the real life misunderstandings get so frustrating that I used to feel a bit murderous & suicidal. I need to feel useful. Am not content with living isolated & being bombarded with negativity from my neighbors. Had to reach out to people online to have more positive interactions or would have killed myself a long time ago. The internet saved my life, but they get a little too enthusiastic & overly sentimental.

Most of us don't have YOUR problem so we're not likely to understand it so keenly.

I'm not sure what you are kvetching about.

Honesty is the best policy.

Perhaps the OP is antisocial. Some people are. I ran across that before with this person pretending to be social as our husbands were friends. She asked us not to visit anymore.

"Faking Friendships" you mean people who are friends with 'your façade' and not your 'true self'?
And by means of maintaining it as a personal burden yet your intention is mainly for having social contact and semblance of normalcy -- for simply the sake of being 'social' and 'normal' yet not internalized and left your personal preferences and personality unsaid and unheard?

I never had such relationships myself because I knew the whole thing is supposedly a two-way thing. But I did have one-sided relationships -- it's just that I'm not the one who 'keeps things up' because I still had a long way to go there, social desires or not.


The OP isn't antisocial lol no. Perhaps the inversed of that.

He just blends and mask but never truly fits in -- yet perhaps he do wanna fit in, internally, and want to be belonged yet it isn't felt -- because his means of keeping the relationship he wants to keep is through a façade.
And settled with fitting in, externally. Thus the personal burden.
There's a good, good, chance that if he reveals his true self to others, it'll put his friends off -- this has nothing to do with moral character, but with the 'vibe', impressions', whatever illusion NTs usually enforce to keep the social order that keeps the odd out-out. Hence the façade.


If OP is finding a solution... I don't know how to help him. Unless he doesn't want to play it safe, which is highly unlikely.
But if he wants to feel good about being social for once, maybe without changing his stance, perhaps he had to figure what his current role is at the surface, which role he wants, and to what end or purpose he intends to happen that is beyond the socializing for the sake of being social.
Contemplate about it perhaps, about the end and not just the means. Even if the means are exhausting and a rather heavy work of a burden somehow, it had to be questioned if it's all worth the trouble.

But if he turns out to be alexithymiac, I seriously do not know how to help him at all. And the entire thing would be different.

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