Narcissistic abuse when you're on the spectrum

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This sounds like me except reverse the roles of my mom and dad. I got the life lesson now, I but after I got married. Now I don't know how to get out for fear of custody issues.

Emotional regulation is a hard one for me too.

My inner child feels like vomiting every time I have to deal with child services or my ex. And what I hate about how neurotypicals are with emotion is in essence they shoot the messenger and enable the abuser. Emotional displays are meant to draw attention to the fact that there is danger. So treating people who are emotional the way society treats them is like giving someone a pain killer so they can walk without feeling a fracture that will get bigger as soon as they stand on it. Pain isn't just for cheap emotional displays.

If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, my big advice is consult a lawyer, and get their help getting out while making sure you still have the upper hand with custody. I often think the outcome of our custody battle would have been very different if I was the one to end the relationship, not him.

I haven't found any support groups at all where I am. I really feel like people who shun and isolate me for being abused are often bigger abusers than the original abusers.

Agree.

i wish i can give you some advice but i cant i dont have any sort of experience with such a situations the best advice i can is try to disentangled your selfe from your abuser how you would go about doing that i hae no idea

If it was an easy one to give advice for someone would have figured it out more than a year ago. But yeah, learning how to recognize toxic people and keep your distance might be the most important skill that us who are on the spectrum need to learn, it avoids another situation like mine where it's too late.

Narcissists are good at playing the social game for their own ends. Autistic people are not good at playing the social game. Guess who wins that game?

Touché!

This had me thinking too about something that has been ripping me up for my whole life, that I've always been a target for bullies, even now. Who never get punished for bullying, but I get punished if I react. Would you guys say this is just par for the course if you're on the spectrum? If so, mystery I've been trying to solve for more than 30 years solved, finally!!

And also, if my ex is a narcissist, and my son is on the spectrum, do everything possible to make sure I become the primary caretaker ASAP, before my son ends up in the role of scapegoat and has trauma as a result. This thread has made me realize this, so thank you guys!

I can't speak for anyone else, just myself (and don't know yet if I'm on the spectrum at all), but...

I have a history of being bullied as a kid. At school I think it was because I was an 'odd' kid, and I was slow at learning social lessons that other people just seemed to pick up automatically. I think these things are going to particularly attract bullying for young children.

Also was childminded, and the son used to hit the daughter, run to their Mum and blame me. I think he learnt that I was easily manipulated, because I just didn't really understand what to do in this circumstance. One thing that used to trip me up is his Mum would ask me if my hitting her was intentional to hurt her, and I'd say yes (thinking that then I had said a reason, and the interrogation would end), then nope foiled again (I did this on multiple occasions, despite most definitely not hitting her at all). I don't really understand now why I thought that.

What do you mean by childminded?

When it came to bullying in my case, the really hurtful part was that teachers did nothing about it, and nowadays with the divorce and custody battle I'm going through, I'm being bullied, no one is doing anything about it, but I get crucified if I react.

I think it's a very good idea for anyone not currently in a relationship to read this: https://www.elephantjournal.com/2016/01 ... technique/ My ex did this with a vengeance, and it felt even better than the best drug I had in my life, since before him I could get attention from men who just wanted me for sex but no men who took me seriously, and casual hookups were never what I wanted. And I think love bombing especially works with anyone on the spectrum, since we're more likely to be thirsting for a relationship. I heard from people so often before that "Once you meet them, you'll just know!", aka worst love advice ever.

So nowadays, I don't get involved with anyone I've known for less than a year, and I don't date, I make friends, that's a better foundation for a lasting relationship than hot sex. I figure that way the chance of me having to go through a breakup again is minimal, and my son already has his father and both his grandparents as narcissists in his life, so he definitely doesn't need another one. And using this approach to dating is a great way to filter out narcissists.

Both parents worked full-time, so as a young child I'd be looked after by someone else. Nannying is when someone comes to your house, childminding is when the kid goes to their house, generally with the childminder's own kids and/or other childminded kids. (Childminders are cheaper than nannies!)[/quote]



Why do you think this happens?

I again don't know about anyone else, but I do know a lot of people on the spectrum are victims of bullying. I was bullied almost constantly throughout all of school, and it was exactly as said, someone would wind me up knowing I would get angry I would eventually react and I would get in trouble. My sister used to do the same thing, and run to our parents as soon as I hurt her (after she has spent hours baiting me). I just didn't know how to deal with it. Its so confusing trying to tell someone to stop and they don't listen and you don't understand why and you don't know what to do. It was like my panic reaction.

I agree with your priorities. It sounds very important to get custody for the safety of your son, I hope you manage this <3.

Finally saw your post on love bombing, never heard it called that before but that is defs what happened to me, it messes you up big time. It hurt me when I realised I had been groomed by an older man. There was no other term, I had been groomed so he could get what he wanted. Its terrible what people will take advantage of.

When I was told I had C-PTSD and started researching it, I understood why certain teachers in my primary school targeted me. So many of the symptoms of PTSD in children-difficulty regulating emotions, being prone to violent outbursts, avoidance of social situations and isolating themselves, being reluctant to talk about certain things (or at all), etc are also autistic traits. If a NT child started exhibiting these kind of traits, it'd cause alarm bells to ring. If an autistic child started exhibiting these kind of traits (or rather, exhibiting them more), then a.) it's harder to spot, and b.) it gives the abuser a chance to position themselves in a more sympathetic light and convince people that it's just because their autism is more severe than they had previously thought.
We are targeted because we can be easy targets (being easier to isolate, not being allowed to create boundaries for ourselves from an early age, wanting people to like us), but we are also targeted because our condition makes it harder for the damage to be noticed by outside observers unless they are specifically looking for it and know us well enough to know that something isn't right.
Shatki, my heart goes out to you and your little one.

Cratilla - Ah, that does sound like a nice concept, I didn't know there was a name for it. Though not so nice if you end up stuck with narcs.

AntisocialButterfly, and Wombashkaya - I'm so sorry you experienced that too. It's still such a mystery to me what causes this imbalance of justice when we get bullied (we get punished, they don't). Definitely watch out, as in adulthood men have gotten away with sexually harassing me in this way, for example, the first caseworker I had after my son was taken groped me, and then claimed I was imagining it because of my "mental issues". So he would rather make sure I never get reunited with my son so he can keep his job and access to other women and possibly children to abuse. In fact, that's how my father got away with molesting me, except that wasn't in adulthood.

Love bombing is definitely a big one, I didn't know what it was like until after my breakup! I think the best way to love bomb proof ourselves is to make every prospective boyfriend or girlfriend be friends for at least a few months first without even kissing, from my understanding virtually every narcissist will run if they don't get sex immediately.

Maybe someone else has ideas on how to narcissist proof ourselves. Another skill that's probably one of the most important for anyone on the spectrum to learn is how to stand up for yourself, and to set boundaries. I for one still haven't figured out how to set boundaries with people without seeming outright aggressive, that and it often takes me a while to realize I need to set boundaries with someone, and often when it's too late. Learned helplessness is a big one for me. Anyway, if anyone has any leads on how to fix this, please share!!

And thank you <3

My mother shows narcissistic tendencies in her relationship with me and the family. If anybody does something she doesn't like she insists that the responsible person did it 'just to make [her] upset', or 'to punish [her] for something'. She seems to think that everybody makes decisions to provoke a reaction in her ('you did that because you know I didn't want you to'/'you did that just to make things even harder for me'), and guilt trips me about everything from her taking care of me as a baby to her buying clothing and food for me. My whole life she has been using guilt tripping to try and force me to be 'normal' (i.e. not autistic).

Whilst this environment has left me with some serious problems in self-esteem and forming relationships with others (distinct from the effects of ASD), I have been somewhat saved by my connections with friends and teachers. My amazing teachers have given me guidance and encouragement, and my few friends have helped me to realise that I am not the terrible person my mother makes me think I am.

Long story short, there is hope that your child can grow up feeling worthwhile and wanted, despite any narcissistic abuse, if he finds support in others in his life.
I wish you all the best.

Wow, Fandom, your mother sounds like my mother! That's awesome that you got support though, and I've observed it does make a difference if a child has at least 1 adult in their life they can count on. And my son has me, now I just have to fight against a justice system that my ex has convinced that I'm the bad one in all of this to maximize my time with him!

I know this is an old thread.
I don't know if you are still in contact with your parents, I would advise cutting off contact with them.
Narcissists and their enablers are soul suckers, the enablers often take on the traits of the narcissist.
Some people stay with narcissists because they were brought up by narcissistic parents.
They seem to "content themselves" with being abused, and even deny vehemently that they are being mistreated.
They lose sight of themselves and kid themselves they are happy, often by filling the emptiness with food, drink etc.
If you haven't already, I would cut off contact with them.
I discovered this thread by searching WP for narcissists.
I think AS and narcissism are opposite ends of the spectrum.