Assessment and reluctant parents

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My mom is terrified that I'm going to be diagnosed with autism and is doing everything in her power to prevent it. Admittedly, this is partly my fault. The idea that I'm autistic has been a family joke for years, so I thought bringing it up in seriousness wouldn't be too much of a shock, but she took it badly. In spite of my efforts to reassure her, these anxieties have only built since I told her several months ago.

We saw an occupational therapist last week to talk about sensory therapy, and my mom was the worst she's ever been. She lied about my heart problems causing my issues (which was debunked two years ago by various tests). She also said that I had refused medication for my heart, which is a blatant lie; I was only offered anti-depressants to help with anxiety that triggered SVT attacks. What worries me even more than this, though, is that she's refused to tell any of my doctors about my developmental abnormalities. She's discussed them with me in private. There was a speech delay, severe lack of response, stereotypical stimming, sensory dysfunction, and quite a few others. The list goes on when we're alone, but in front of doctors, she insists that I did everything exactly like my siblings. If she does admit to a trait that can't be ignored, she follows up with "but she was gifted, so..." When I confronted her about this, she became upset and defended herself with things like, "Well, it's not like you were banging your head on walls" and "You just didn't want to speak yet."

The only reason I have hope for an assessment at all is that she's eager to have me officially declared "not autistic." The obvious folly in this hope is the fact that I know she's going to try her best to bias the doctors in her favor. Before we see the GP for a diagnostic referral, I need to convince her both that autism is not a death sentence and that I do need a diagnosis in order to manage as an adult. My past methods have failed, so I'm hoping that others here have some ideas drawn from their own experience.

Tell her that proper evaluation is in both parties interest. And tell her to stop interfering with the examination. Hysterical mothers are a big issue. She might need an evaluation herself; normal people don't lie about their kids medical record. I doubt it will work though.

(If first step doesn't work) I judge from your titel that your dad is reluctant aswell, but if he isn't try to talk it out with him( including your moms interference with the examination). And ask him if he can make an appointment with a psychiatrist, tell him to keep it a secret from your mom. Telling to keep it a secret is the important part, so not to give your mother time to manipulate him.

( if second step doesn't work) Repeat step two but with close friends, siblings, and other family members beside your mom.

( if third step doesn't work) Talk with a psychiatrist yourself. And be honest about your situation and your hystrical mother.

It sounds like she is more worried about the resulting gossip than your well being. Excessive vanity is not good for relationships. She needs to get over herself.

Thank you for your replies. I intend to attempt to see the next doctor alone so as to set the record straight before my mom pitches in her own perspective. It seems to me that such behavior can't be too unusual for parents of undiagnosed Aspies, so I trust that the doctor will sympathize.

I wish I could convince her to accept the idea, though. I don't like the tension it creates, and I want her to be my ally in this. Sometimes it seems as if she genuinely wants to know, but then she acts like she doesn't. She's always followed this pattern of behavior. She acts like she's on my side until the moment comes to stare truth in the face, and then she retreats. When I was a kid, she did ask questions about my abnormalities, but doctors tended to pin it down to phases. When anyone did come along with a label that scared her, she quickly backed down. She seems guilty when she talks about it. She knows that what she's doing is wrong, I think, and she's implied that she does believe that autism is likely. She's just downright terrified of the idea. As she's the only one who can provide an account of my early development, it's all the more important that I convince her to accept this. I don't know how to convince her that her denial is detrimental to us both, though.

I do think a lot of Normal parents think if they ignore their child's autism or other problems eventually they will adapt which is such a harmful belief.

I had my initial appointment with a psychologist and will be assessed in April. You may not need your mom. I haven’t been asked to have my parents involved in the process at least not yet. I would do my best to go to appointments alone.

I was going to have an assessment done in June, but spent the money to go to Europe instead largely because my sister who is a social worker thought it the idea of me being on the spectrum was absurd (I considered it initially because she would call me aspy). We are very close, but I am unable to talk to her about it because she reacts so strongly. I think it’s likely my Mom would react similar and that’s it is/would be difficult for either of them to consider if I have it.

I’ve decided now to get assessed because my counselor thinks I have it and suggested it though I never brought it up.