An Open Letter to the Depressed Aspergians

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As if I was reading about myself

Mutual feelings and evident reality

If I even had any friends or loved ones lol

Thanks for this! Really needed to see this because I've lost count of how many times I been told I cant get depressed BC I'm autistic

Thank-you stephenreynolds9663, that was a very powerful article you linked and as someone who suffers from bipolar disorder (one of my many neuroses) I could most definitely relate to the words therein.

I wish I would have had that kind of support in the past. I still struggle with self-harm and severe self-hate because I was ostracized and hated for being different while I was in school and growing up. I have bipolar and every day getting out of bed is extremely hard. I really appreciated this post though because it felt so familiar but without getting assistance until I was 30.

Have helped others, been helped aswell.. much to my dismay have been seriously targeted by , the appearance of quite determined psychopaths . Which have robbed me of alot of my value of life Materially and Emotionally. Extrodinary lengths have been made it appears to wish me into nothingness . These are documentable situations , legally as well as personally . Finding it practically impossible to find help. Social skills and some simple basic ones , seem to be hindering me , aswell . Most unfortunately have found people whom are predators on weakness,In last 10 yrs. Does contribute to ideas of being alone to be safe. My own Empathy seems to be a worst enemy .But TY for kind thoughts

Thank you for the authenticity and sincerity of the article. I have meditated 4 years now. Short meditation but try to do it every day when I can sit still. A psychiatrist began to see me after my mom died then two more close supports died then he (the psychiatrist) died at the start of the Pandemic. A death every year. The self pay psychiatrist diagnosed autism when I lost my profession but his hand written records would be delayed 6 months because of his death.

I had lost my 26 year profession for not meeting deadlines and productivity standards within the industry and went to see a general practitioner. I mentioned the word AUTISM. I couldn't speak in conversation to her but read this account. She told me I was insane, there was no such thing as an undiagnosed adult. She told me and documented in my record I didn't know who I was and if difficult life transitions had me so depressed that meant I was an Axis II. She attempted to increase the conflict with the situation maybe to call a 5150? I had good parents. My dead mother whispered in my ear leave her office now. My mother and father knew I was autistic different by the time I was two. They also knew I was born female but identified as male by the time I was three. I knew god had made an awful biological gender mistake by the time I was 4. I knew by five I would have a gender change when I grew up. I went through the Harry Benjamin Standards over two years of therapy and was approved by not the required 2 PhD's but 3 for hormones and surgery. Ten surgeries and 25 years later I told the general practitioner I had no regrets and I knew who I was. She said I was too lost to be competent and all 3 PhD's were wrong. She, a general practitioner at a major research hospital said she knew autism and nobody with autism could ever go to college. Right around that time a colleague of Dr. Temple Grandin helped me find Autism Speaks. Cavalry began to arrive.

My family got involved and assisted with an outside insurance neuro psychologist. An outside gender specialist got involved. Within 3 months of testing a trauma inventory was sandwiched in all the testing. I unraveled further as a weekly gender psychologist went exploring with too many questions and I couldn't hide the one day someone had threatened my life. The perpetrator recognized me and I wasn't aware I was being tracked until it was too late. Diagnosis by Neuro Psychologist Autism with intellectual impairment, GAD, Depression and finally PTSD trans related. Tired now boss.

Am I glad I survived all that? I had one purpose left on earth only I didn't know it as I was going through all that. I was asked six months ago to speak at a medical school about trans and autism. 270 physicians of the future listened to my experiences and that included the idiot primary care doctor who tried to misdiagnose with an axis II and wrote damaging documentation until my dead psychiatrists records arrived. I always kept good records and disproved the primary care doctors assumption but it took time. My family provided support financially and with the autism diagnosis. Although the insurance realm of mental health slammed me for two years, the insurance realm of neurology did not. Neurology reviewed my records and assisted in accurately diagnosing my movement disorder associated with autism. I took this message into the future with 273 doctors of tomorrow in their mandatory gender health class. There can be a link with autism and gender. It doesn't mean every autistic has gender non conformity but it is more prevalent per research.

I am 54 and have been on almost a dozen TCA's, SSRI's and anti psychotics over my lifetime. Finding the right combination is a roulette wheel spin every time. The wheel has spun three more times recently and may eventually land on bankrupt? Interactions meant changing that which had worked in the past. I was responsible and asserted my advanced directives requesting quality of life and understanding risks vs benefits. It didn't matter.

I have found meditation helpful. From my experience and research all human beings battle with thoughts which can lead to emotions. If you focus all your time in negative bad for you places...it will be expressed in how you experience the world. Emotions influence mood. I have a stubborn case of alexathymia. The best I can do is know if an emotion is good or bad, pleasant or unpleasant. I cannot identify anything especially in the moment and when sensory agitation stacks it leads to aggression, not just anxiety overwhelm. I have a DBT therapists workbook but much of the content is beyond my scope of ability. DBT can be helpful but it is not my answer. Instead, my family helped pay for Tony Robbins Date with Destiny via ZOOM. Again, much of the content was beyond my ability to stretch but I had been using Tony's techniques That Did Work for 26 years. Date with Destiny holds a live suicide intervention every year. Its real life in the moment. It all boils down to this. Do your best to find what you enjoy and brings meaning.
Some days autistics need to skip and recover. Burnout to my nervous system is apparent. If you are autistic, you have restricted self interests. Make that your passion as Tony would say. Tony Robbins team is up on neuro divergence and our hyper focus. His team said we had "super powers." Mother's of autistic son's during Tony's course wrote to me "Why can't my autistic son see something as an opportunity?" Lady, an autistic nervous system cannot be fooled...you are doing great if your child can finally change his speech from the word "impossible" to "challenging." Challenging means at least a remote possibility. I am 54. My dad is too old to provide services since my mom died and although I qualified for state assistance that looks good on paper, those resources don't call back and don't appear to have a human being attached to them? It is a daily struggle as my survival savings continue to deplete and I face homelessness. At this time I am still here. The challenge continues. Thanks to all the pro bono sliding scale therapists and doctors who helped. Thanks to all those friends who provided and continue to support, food and shelter assistance.

I can relate to everything in this article, only I've been hurt more times than you realize. I used to be comfortable with wanting connections in the outside world, until people started treating me like dirt. Since then I've been scared to try to make friends. Hopefully, some day the right people and circumstances will come along, but, in the meantime, I will be a patient.
Thank you for the article. It was very encouraging.

I was given up on. First they listened and proactively kept the contact, and after a few months when I was not feeling well they said I was taking advantage of them to help me in my depression and that I put them in a very tough position which was very selfish and self centered, and proceeded to announce this to our common friends.

Never again am I gonna share with someone when I am depressed, or close to the final solution. I mean. She was right, but why offer help if you don't mean it, and how can you expect the depressed person to be the example of best behavior.

I guess you just cannot trust people mean what they say.

I am fine, but that was a very good lesson, and probably the reason why many people are not getting help, as they are not asking for it, because they know that is the risk. I didn't know, and I burnt myself. I would really be fine without her "help", she just really wanted to feel good about herself I guess.

This came in such a good moment for me. Thank you.

Very true. Exactly why people hesitate to seek help. It can backfire and make things worse. Seeking help itself has its own risks because people that are not depressed have no idea of what it's like to be depressed. It's a kind of contradiction: common advice says to seek help but many people are not ready/willing to help.

I have also seen someone's comment about common advice for dealing with depression. Advice such as "speak to your friends or those that care about you..." made him realize that he really was alone because he had no friend or no one to care about him, and that made him feel like a freak and even more depressed. Such advice assumes that all people have friends/people that care about them. So, such advice disregards those that have no one to care about them, are totally alone and truly need help. I think such advice is very insensitive and cruel to those that have no one to care about them. It's as if saying that you don't qualify for help if you don't have no one to care about you because you are worthless enough to have no friends.

Thank you. I am going through a bad depression now-I’ve decided to leave a verbally abusive relationship where I was constantly called the r-word any time my ex was upset. I’ve never been diagnosed with autism but I’m pretty sure I have it. I have a lot of trouble with social skills and have always felt awkward. I used to want to commit suicide and hurt myself when he spoke to me like that but I finally found it in me to leave instead. I know a lot of people have looked down on me all my life over a condition I have no control over but I can try to protect myself from allowing someone with that view on me to get too close to me. Sometimes it feels like I’ll always be alone but Id rather be alone than to be constantly called that word-it was a nightmare.

"The Depressed Aspergians" sounds like the name of a Surf Rock band

I have to say, this letter is amazing. I could not have said this better, no matter how many words I threw out and rearranged to do so. Recently I have come out of a dark period in my life, only diagnosed a couple of years ago. I bounced around the mental health system for about a decade before I suggested the diagnosis that eventually ended up being my redemption. If it had not been for a fellow Aspergian coming along at just the right moment, I might never have known. Friends who listen are the gems in our society. I still battle with manic depression, but I've learnt how to harness my specific brand of Bipolar Aspergian superpowers for good!