Could really use some help please!

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Hello all. ☺ I am a disabled, retired grandmother. (I have MS) My son, his girlfriend, & their two boys live with me.
I believe both boys are on the spectrum, but I have been unable to convince their mother to get them assessed.
Any suggestions how I can persuade her?
(Why do I think they are on the spectrum? Ok, they are 4 1/2 & 2 1/2, both non-verbal. The older one seemed to progress as usual until about 18 mos, when he kind of did a backslide & quit communicating. He has tried on several occasions to speak to me, but couldn't quite get the word out. He understands language fine I think, he just doesn't use it. He does stim once in a while, & gets very over excited at times. He is such a picky eater, sometimes I wonder how he can even survive on what he eats! I feel the younger one will need more help. He has never tried to speak. He stims almost constantly, & is very much attuned to physical stimuli. Lots of arm flapping! He is the messiest eater I have ever met! At 2, he still will not use silverware or dishes, & ends up wearing much of his food. The more he likes it, the more he smears it on himself. Luckily, unlike his brother, he likes baths. Neither one is ready to be potty trained at all. The older one has developed bad seperation anxiety. When his mom has to leave for work, he freaks out. I feel so bad for him, & I wish his mom would just stay home with them, but only if she gets them help. I am the only one trying to work with them at this point, & I doubt I am helping much.)

You are, definitely, in a very tough situation.

This seems like a situation where it is essential that the mother (and the father) take more action than what is happening at this point. For legal reasons, primarily. Because you're not the legal guardian.

I hate to say it: but if the mother doesn't get them assessed soon, I feel like she should be sued for "motherly malpractice."

They need intervention. And you need respite. You have you own issues to deal with.

I feel for you, Mary.

Stay around. Don't give up. There will be other people here, too----to give you better and more practical advice.

Remember to keep it positive, many people are scared of autism, and can be resistant to the idea that in their head, something could be wrong with their child.

You may very well not be able to get through, and if so just learn what you can about autism and implement strategies on your own.

A few of the things that you could try is get them setup with your local Harbor Regional Center or whatever the equivalent is. They do assessments and will prepare the children for life and help get them taken care of.

Another thing you could try is go to the kids school, if there going to school yet and tell them how you feel. Though schools try to be penny pincers (mine was), it could get the ball rolling. They do order assessments or get the mother to have them looked at.

Even if the schools does assess them, they may just say they may say they have ADHD or say nothing is wrong at all.

In the end I hope you can get them to a Harbor Regional Center.

UPDATE!!

My mom was the one was got me assessments and is telling me what you can do.

Your going to write to school district, write a copy to the principal and copy to the special education department.

You have right to make a request for assessments and special education services. You have the right to request assessments under the IDEA Laws for "Child Find" through the Department of Education. One of the best free services provided to parent and families in this area of special education to go for help are your local TASK which helped my mom and she has been an advocate for and my sister for 18 years, they seem based in California, if you can tell me where you are at I can get more information. Let me know if you need any other help.

Center for Parent Information and Resources
Requesting an Initial Evaluation for Special Education Services
http://www.parentcenterhub.org/evaluation-2/


TASK
http://taskca.org/

Are you sure the grandmother has the right to supersede the parent on this?

Not meant as a criticism of Technically Calm’s research.

Are the boys getting any kind of healthcare? A decent healthcare provider should be letting the mother know that her children are lagging behind developmentally and should be tested.
It might be worthwhile to try to educate your son on what normal development should look like. He may not realize how far his boys are falling behind. Do research online and provide facts, not just your opinion. Find other children to compare them to in your neighborhood and also find out what milestones are required before they can start preschool or kindergarten. Find out what services are available in your area for free. This may help him realize that some intervention would be helpful and how much he can get for free.

Thank you all for your replies & concern. I appreciate it greatly! The boys' mother has FINALLY requested medical insurance through our county. They will be able to be assessed now, & get some help.

Now I will start pushing for her to get the school district involved as well.

Thank you again, you guys (& girls) rock!

You’re doing really good, Mary.