I don't know if I'm Autistic or have Aspergers

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Right let's start...
I don't know if this is what you call a "meltdown",but sometime 2 months ago I was washing up when I started to feel this pit like feeling in my stomach like all my emotion had gathered and concentrated in one spot and I had no idea what to do, I kept pacing back and forth, I wanted to punch something, I felt frustrated because I din't know what to do, I then stood still for a minute or two because I felt this overwhelming sense of emptiness ( just to say I don't have depression ) and then I sat in the corner of the kitchen crying (like a child with no restraint) and rocking back and forth, my brother tried to console me by touching my arm but before he could I told him not to. Also about touching, I never liked people touching me because it made me feel uncomfortable and icky I guess... but now I can hug people, only those i'm close to though like my family and close friends. Recently there's been a few instances e.g. when I was crying and my dad put his hand on my leg to comfort me I felt extremely uncomfortable and when he removed his hand I felt this lingering feeling where his hand had been, the same happened with one of my friends, she sometimes in class puts her head on my shoulder etc and I feel really uncomfortable and I ask her to please get off, she usually says sorry and I feel bad so I just reply "you know I don't like being touched."
I read somewhere that some autistic children may "touch themselves" in odd places (if you know what I mean) in public places too, and there's this instance that I can't forget, when I was in class and my teacher was stood in front of the class I "touched" myself no one else realized but the teacher, and she just looked at me weirdly.
When I was young I would also love collecting stones and seashells and sticks, I would have a whole box full of them, I had this one favourite stone, because it was smooth and it had a swirl of two colours that looked like my two favourite ice cream flavours... chocolate and vanilla, I don't know if this is what you'd call an "obsession." Also I went through an animal "obsession" and I'd non stop watch nat geo wild documentaries, Deadly sixty, watch Steve Irwin, and I'd non stop walk around saying "Did you know-" this and "Did you know-" that. (still love animals) have had other (what I'd call ) "obsessions"
When I was younger (and still do now) I would always count everything i do in my head e.g. the number of steps I take etc and I would always walk nodding my head as I count, this never brought me anxiety (like what OCD would do) but instead it calmed me down, but sometimes I got tired because all I could think about were numbers.
Whenever I get stressed or I am in turmoil I bite my hand and my arm, or I pinch my side, or I claw and scratch at the back of my neck: this started to occur more recently.
As a child I could never fall asleep without my TV, because I needed the volume of my TV to be loud enough to erase all other background noise, because I could not sleep whenever I heard a little noise in the background, it got so bad that whenever my parents tried to take my TV away I started bawling my eyes out, because I could NOT sleep without it. Now instead of a TV I wear ear plugs because the background noise still bothers me to the point that without ear plugs, I start to sweat and my heart beats faster; even with my earplugs in I will sometimes still hear something in the background and I can't fall asleep. So I'm not too sure whether this is sensitivity to noise or not.
Also when I was younger (and now, but not as bad) I couldn't wear any clothes with tags It wasn't that intense for me, but I physically felt like I could not wear the item of clothing if it had the tag, so I had to cut the tag out, and even then there was sometimes the little flimsy bit that I'll call the stump of the tag, that's left over, and that was way worse (I don't know if this is what is know as sensitivity, because it's pretty generic).
when I was younger I didn't really feel it as much as I do now, but I felt different, I couldn't hang out with my (few) friends that much because it took a lot out of me, because i felt the need to copy what they were doing and I didn't really get what they liked, I didn't get what they were playing, so I'd go and hang out with my brother and his friends, or I would go out by myself and play on the field. I've also read that some people with aspergers may start to use sophisticated vocab at a young age, and when I was in year 3 (age 6-7) I was using words like hypocrite and I was one of the best when it came to spelling. Due to this feeling of being different I feel like i'm an outsider; recently I was sat in class and as everyone was laughing and chatting, all I could do was sit quietly in the corner, and I felt a pit in my stomach and I started to scratch the back of my neck and pinch myself. Normally I'm that person in the class who stares out of the window/ doodles... I often feel like I have to work twice as hard as everyone else to seem "normal" 1. fake smile when you didn't hear a word someone said and laugh to make it seem like you're engaged 2. Did what I say/do just then seem weird? I constantly analyse my behaviour to see if I seemed "normal" or not. When I'm at school I feel like I can't be myself, because i'm scared people will reject me or think i'm weird, so I tone myself down, I become more quiet and I speak less, and then as soon as I come back home I feel as if an immense pressure has been lifted and I'm back to myself. I can be very socially awkward (as I have social anxiety) so most of the time I'm either really quiet or really loud, only when I'm with my friends/ family (people I'm comfortable with) I feel like I can be myself. I also read that people on the autistic spectrum don't get social cues/ speech... YES. I'm constantly told by my friends that I'm ditsy/thick/stupid/slow because I don't get sarcasm or jokes, also when I talk about something i'm really passionate about I talk on and on and on, ignoring anyone elses opinions. I can also be very impulsive and hyperactive, always have been since i was little. I also read up on tics, and only then did i realise i do it too when i'm out in public I flap my hands or do a weird hop in my step, or after finishing a sentence i may make a weird noise.
As a child I had a huge collection of teddies and I had to have all of them neatly stacked on my bed, of course after kissing all 30+ on the head because I felt sorry for them if I only did it to some and not the others, I'd do this every night. Even now I have a select few under my bed because I can't bring myself to do that to them. I hate being asked questions, especially ones about my emotions, so I just reply " I don't know." Also on the topic of obsessions I currently have one about Manga and Anime, after a stressful day I go to my room and read it/ watch it because it makes me feel at ease, I do it every day and I think of it as me running away from my reality, like me reading manga is my escape from the troubles of everyday life, sometimes i'll be at school and I can't stop thinking the whole day about being so excited to start reading/watching when I get back home.
I talk to myself A LOT, once when I was younger I was told by someone that I was "weird" because of it, and I started to cry because I just wanted to be normal, I will talk to myself as if I were my best friend or as if I were talking to someone else even in public. That's not everything I wanted to say but hope this helps you make your decision

It does sound like you could be on the spectrum. Don't worry about the precise label; Asperger's doesn't even exist anymore under the DSM 5, and anyone with Asperger's is also autistic.

You might be on the spectrum. Of course only a qualified diagnostician can tell you if you are. But if you are wondering if you are Autistic or Aspergian, Asperger's is no longer a diagnosis. Everyone on the Spectrum is Autistic now. We just have different numbers that go along with the Autism Spectrum Disorder label to differentiate between levels of support needed.

Do you mean autistic as in moderate or severe. If you do, then you have aspergers. Which is level 1 autism, mild. So yeah, aspergers.

Same thing now- doesn't matter.

Thank you all for your replies

The intro post was way too long for me to read (sorry... long walls of text aren't my friend unless they're clearly organised into topics), but I firmly stand by my belief that there is a difference between HFA and AS, just as much as there's a difference between those two and NVLD. Check the PowerPoint below for more information:

https://www.asha.org/Events/convention/ ... eale_Tina/

True about the unorganized stream being hard to read. And definitely people won’t hear you if read aloud something like this.

But it is a useful tool to just allow in free form flow like this, your stream of thoughts. Forgetting about conventions, grammar, or what anyone thinks. We censor ourselves so severely that getting in touch like this is hard work. Sometimes stream of consciousness is the best method.

You did nothing wrong by posting this way. You got it out of your head. Just fewer people will read it. But helped you.

Thank you

Autism and aspergers is the same thing. Aspergers is just another word for highly functioning autism. Psychologists say autism level 1 or highly functioning autism and that's what it says in the papers too.

If you believe you have it I think you should try to get it diagnosed, it can be a pretty big relief especially if you struggle with certain things. You'd get help with those things whereas if you choose to not have it diagnosed you will just be told to suck it up and fight like everybody else does because you will count as an NT regardless of what you believe personally.

However if you suspect this diagnose but don't have any huge problem with anything (such as making friends, finding a job, working fulltime, talking to authority people, getting out of the house etc.) then you could probably go on with your life anyway, unless you feel it would help if you knew. Autistic or not everyone is different and some people will need more help while others need none or very little.