Do/Did you ever hate yourself because you're autistic?

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I definitely have times when I hate myself, but it's never for being Autistic, I didn't even know I had it until recent years. Even now that I know, it is one of the few things that I do not blame myself for, although maybe some of the things I blame myself for are in part caused by my autism.

I don't hate myself for being autistic. I have, however, shown vehement hatred towards myself for plenty of other reasons. I've exploded with hatred and anger towards myself for simply missing the bus in the morning and throwing off my schedule. I've hated myself in the past for being transgender and not fitting into gender norms and the gender binary; much of that stems from letting the prejudice and transphobia of others seep into my own thoughts. I've hated myself for all the confusion and frustration of never quite figuring out how to connect with others. I've been frustrated for not knowing why certain environments overwhelm me or why a large group of people is too chaotic to make any sustained effort in socializing. No, learning about autism has given me a new way to look at many of the things I've struggled through life with. So I don't hate it.

Yes indeed, just another special interest of mine, however if you want to learn how the old electro-mechanical bell telephone network worked, ask me or listen to Evan Doorbell's tapes, he (as a young aspie boy in the '70s) recorded tens of thousands of calls going through and knows how the network switched calls. Very fascinating. He narrates them in modern times and explains how it all worked and what click means what. He was also one of the earliest network hackers, called "phone phreaks".

Here is his link. I suggest the long distance series first, or the "How Evan Doorbell Became a Phreak" series, which explains the human side of things. His real name is Johann North, but as a hacker of sorts he developed a psudo-name.

evan-doorbell.com/production

P.S. the second name in my signature is my twitter/youtube username, it is a reference to a tone used for interoffice signaling in the Bell System's N1 type carrier.

Not a day goes by where I don't hate myself.

This Autism thing was dumped into my lap and I didn't have any say about it and that's what I hate most about the situation. Everyday is one excruciating experience after another and I have no control over it.

Once I hated it so much that I fell into deep depression about it and was hospitalised. Afterwards I saw a psychologist who specialised in autism and she helped me come to terms with it somewhat.

Sometimes I still get mighty peeved about it but mostly I grudgingly accept it.

I hated myself before I knew I had ASD.

I blamed myself for all of my failures and shortcomings. I thought that I was just an antisocial, unpleasant, awkward and generally incompetent person who had squandered my potential and become a nobody... an all around waste of air and space. It didn't help that I had these feelings drummed into my head as a child but I continued on with that pattern of destructive thinking myself as an adult. You know, "The beatings will continue until morale improves."

It wasn't until my parents told me at AGE 41(!) when they let it slip during casual conversation that I even knew I was an Aspie. Once I got over the initial shock and dismay I actually felt better about myself. I wasn't just a collection of failures. There were good reasons why I couldn't do some of the most basic things NT people can do and yet excelled in others. Suddenly I understood some of my stranger quirks. I wasn't just weird and I wasn't a snotty person for shying away from human company. Abruptly everything made sense.

Now that I know it's not my personal and moral failure as a human being but rather a neurological disorder it's a huge relief. I can finally stop hating myself.

Four decades is a lot of time to have wasted hating myself when it turns out that it was never my fault to begin with, so I'm not wasting any more time on self-loathing. I wish I had known so much earlier in life. Do I still get frustrated when I can't do things that I think I should be able to do because everyone around me can? You bet. Do I blame myself? Nope, not anymore. That ship has sailed.

I think I get the point with what everyone's been saying.

Moderators, please lock this forum.

Trying to be okay with myself is so hard in a world that I don’t understand. I feel like I’m always saying or doing the wrong thing. I wouldn’t say I hate myself all the time, I just wish I knew how to fit in. And I wish I could go places and talk to people without being constantly afraid of screwing up.