I'm stuck. I'm getting the sense that when someone comes to me sad, disappointed, upset, etc. I'm supposed to mirror back their feeling to make them feel heard/connected. Then, I'm supposed to say a bunch of positive stuff and smile, giving them a chance to mirror me, which will make them feel better, see me as the reason they feel better and thereby deepen our relationship.
When people act this way to me I sometimes spot it and it seems fake to me, like they're trying to manipulate me. It's so glaringly obvious to me, especially if I just had a disagreement with the person, that I sometimes call them out on it. This predictably makes them feel bad, even angry and reject me. It just seems when they do it that they do it in a way that makes it all about them (via word choice, perhaps, making it sound like they're doing me a favor or something), and I'm supposed to just accept that shift in focus by flipping my emotions to what they want me to feel. The result of doing it "my way", rejecting the mirroring always ends badly. So I can't defend it and I don't want the same outcome. I just feel so manipulated, maybe because I'm conscious of the shift. Maybe NTs aren't conscious of it and so they don't mind it?
When a person comes to me sad, upset, etc. I just meet them where they are, trying to console them, empathizing and being with them in feeling what they feel until they feel like feeling something different. This doesn't work. I don't end up helping them feel any better and I think that they get the sense that being with me means being sad.
I have a sense that when person A looks to person B to first confirm their initial feelings and then "install" different feelings, it makes person B "responsible" for person A's feelings. By extension, if I"m not successful (which I often am not), I have then failed as a friend. Is emotional manipulation a necessary part of being a friend? It isn't enough to just create space for a friend to share whatever they're feeling, on their terms, in their words? I thought I was supposed to validate their existing feelings, not necessarily take responsibility for initiating their new feeling because, honestly, wouldn't people always want to just feel happy? And if I jump too quickly to trying to cheer someone up I get in trouble for trying to fix the situation when they just want me to listen.
I'm 100% sure that I'm doing this all wrong. And I apologize to all of the people to whom I've been a bad friend. But how do I get good a this?
Is this something that anyone else struggles with?
09 Aug 2018, 7:31 am
